After Earth
From Netflix: A thousand years in the future, Gen. Cypher Raige and his young son, Kitai, crash-land their crippled ship on the long-abandoned, desolate Earth. With his father near death, Kitai sets out to find a beacon that will save them from certain doom.
My Take: I've heard this movie described as a "good father-son flick." That may be so, I don't have any kids so I can't say for sure. What I can say is that M. Night Schmellyface needs to find a new line of work. You got rich off your first three or four, dude, let it go. Granted, I haven't seen all of his movies. "The Village," for example... or "Lady In The Water..." but the reviews from friends and professionals on those were enough. I did see "The Happening," while I was waiting for a flight to arrive at the airport. I was in Tampa with absolutely nothing to do until that plane got there, and yet I still almost walked out of the theatre. The thought of sitting there in the terminal, trying to figure out which disgusting person I was going to get stuck next to on the flight, was actually more appealing to me than sitting through that horrible, awful, waste of a movie.
And yet, like "The Happening," there is but one redeeming moment in the entire two-plus hours of "After Earth." There is one line from Will Smith where he talks about fear being something we make up, a story we tell ourselves about a future that does not yet exist. Two hours for that one line of dialogue. At least in "The Happening" we had one scene, the scene at the weird old lady's house, that, while weird in the context of that movie, at least was a little scary. Don't get me wrong, M. Night Whatever tried to wedge in a couple of scary scenes like that here, but they were ineffective at best. And at worst, they made absolutely no sense (the weird-faced turn from his sister? VERY dumb).
It's a shame, too... because a movie like this could have been really strong. Instead, it is what it is: a thinly-veiled attempt by Will Smith to launch his son's acting career. Frankly I'm shocked that "The Karate Kid" wasn't enough. Oh wait, no I'm not.
Do not waste your money on this movie. If your curiosity is just itching at you, send me a message and I will divulge enough of the lame plot and terrible dialogue to make you vomit. Or, just wait a few months... if these guys are smart, they will get this pile out of the theatres and onto DVD as quickly as possible, before word-of-mouth can kill it. Of course, these are the guys who green-lit this movie, so maybe they aren't that smart after all.
Dredd
From Netflix: In the future, catastrophic wars have transformed Earth into a barren wasteland with the remaining population crowded into megacities, where all-powerful cops -- including the ultraviolent Judge Dredd -- are on the hunt for drug-dealing terrorists.
My Take: Anytime a Netflix description uses the word "ultraviolent," you know you're in for a treat. Yet, "Dredd" is another movie that sort of disappoints... albeit not nearly as bad as "After Earth." Ugh, I need to just stop thinking about it.
Anyway, "Dredd" is exactly what it says it's going to be... a lot of shooting and killing, coupled with very little dialogue (who needs it!) or story (waste of time!) It has huge guns, impossibly attractive heroes, the lowest version of a "sex scene" you can imagine, and lots and lots of blood. Oh also, it's garbage.
At least the original "Judge Dredd" embraced its campiness. It had Sylvester Stallone, who is just ridiculous no matter HOW you portray him, and Rob Schneider rounding out the "buddy cop" stupidity. Was it dumb? Absolutely. But it was also fun to watch because you knew you were getting into something really, really stupid. Kind of like an old Arnold Schwarzenegger flick. Sorry I just had to watch that entire video.
I did not believe Carl Urban as Judge Dredd. Maybe it's because I've been watching him in Star Trek. Maybe it's because they couldn't even remove his helmet because everyone knew viewers would be like "wait a minute, he's doughey!" Don't get me wrong, I think Carl Urban is a great actor... just not for this role. The girl was hot, but ultimately a complete waste of a character. And the situations were so over-the-top stupid, that if this was a campy dumb movie, they might have been funny. Instead they are just disappointing. Why did the woman judge say "she'll hesitate, I won't," and then go immediately hesitate so that she can get blown away? How is it that every single person on a floor of the tower can get destroyed by chainguns, but somehow Dredd can survive? Again, if you're going for dumb and campy, I get it. But not here. Not now.
I guess movies like this will always have a place. If they keep making terrible Judge Dredd movies, someone will come along and do it justice. Just like Batman, or Superman, or hopefully the X-Men. Eventually a good director sees enough of his childhood being ruined that he decides that it's time to stop and take care of business once and for all. Judge Dredd is a cool concept, that could be turned into a really cool movie. Or, if you're going to stick to cheesy campy, leave it to someone who knows that he's doing. Someone like Luc Besson.
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