Happy BEarth Day

   It's Earth Day.  A day to love your planet, and to feel bad about all the terrible, horrible things you've done to it during your lifetime.  Yes, my friends, we alone are responsible for the destruction of this lovely planet.  Forget the huge corporations that dump TONS of pollutants into the atmosphere.  Forget the scientists who can figure out how to give birth to a baby with three arms, but can't (or won't) figure out how to create a plastic that will biodegrade in 10 years (instead of 10,000).  Forget the vehicle manufacturers who know how to make cars with ZERO emissions, but because they get paid more to pollute they do.  Forget the energy companies who would rather keep things the way they are instead of working with new energy sources that don't pollute.  It's not THEIR fault, after all, it's YOUR fault.
   Earth Day should really be about protesting these assholes who run these corporations, who put the mighty dollar in front of what's best for the planet and for humanity.  The corporate jerks who say "I'm gonna be dead before the landfills overflow, so who cares?"  This day should be about telling them to stop being chumps and start doing the right thing.  And it should also be to protest the people in congress who will sit for days debating a bill about how many times you can legally pick your nose in public, but just let all kinds of regulations and rules about pollution get swept under the rug (while money is being swept into their pockets).  You and I could stop polluting 100% right this second, and we would have a very minor dent on the fate of the planet.  It's the big guys who need to stop, and yet it's the big guys who support Earth Day so much, mostly because it deflects the blame from them and puts it on you.
   Don't stop drinking bottled water.  Write Ozarka and tell them to use plastic that biodegrades after 5 years.  Don't separate your bottles and cans and paper.  We've got millions of prisoners watching cable tv behind bars, who could instead be manning assembly lines assorting the garbage and putting themselves to use.  Don't walk 10 miles to and from work in dress clothes, tell your congressman (who's partly in charge of America's biggest auto maker, don't forget) that you want cars that run on hydrogen and don't pollute, and don't run out of fuel.  THAT'S where the changes need to be made, because THAT'S where the biggest impact will be felt.
   Incidentally, today is also my brother's birthday.  So Happy Birthday, John.

Dogs Rule and Cats Drool
   Everyone with any amount of common sense knows that dogs are better pets than cats.  Listen... did you hear something?  Did it sound like a cat yelling?  That was probably a cat owner who read this and is now mad.  You can yell and scream all you want, cat owners, but the bottom line is that dogs are much better animals in general, and much better friends to mankind.  Some indisputable evidence:
   1.  You've fallen and you can't get up.  You're old and you're in the bathtub and you broke your hip or elbow or spleen or something.
   Dog - Will bark until a neighbor hears and comes to rescue you, or may even bring you the phone to call for an ambulance.
   Cat - Will sit there watching you suffer, and will probably start to get upset when you can't get up off your broken ass to feed him.
   2.  You're lost in the Yukon, hungry and dehydrated, desperately clinging to life and trying to find your way home.
   Dog - Shows up with one of those badass barrells around his neck full of whiskey to keep you warm and optimistic while you hold onto his tail and he guides you back to town.
   Cat - Takes one step into the snow and decides to "screw that."  Sits by the fire and gets upset when you can't get unfrozen enough to come home and feed him.
   3.  You're blind, trying to make your way through downtown during rush hour traffic.
   Dog - Guides you with pure confidence, stopping at crosswalks, making sure you don't bump into anything, and letting you get into places that don't allow pets because he's a seeing eye dog.
   Cat - Guides you to a sewer or another place that smells rancid, because for some reason cats like to eat stuff that smells bad, with no regard for traffic or other people or for your life, really... and will probably get upset when you can't find your way to the can opener to feed him.
   4.  You're walking along minding your own business when suddenly you fall down a flight of stairs, breaking several bones and knocking one of your eyes out of its socket.
   Dog - Will stay with you, trying to comfort you.  May even try to put your eye back in place.  Or will run to the fire station, Lassie-style, and get some firefighters to come help you out.
   Cat - Most likely pushed you down the stairs, especially if that's the direction you need to go to feed him.
   5.  You're a complete asshole who loves to abuse animals and is mean to them at every possible turn.
   Dog - No matter how big a jerk you are, no matter how mean you are to animals, a dog will love you the same every single day.
   Cat - Will kill you in your sleep.  Or after you feed him.
What's that?  You disagree?  Well, prove me wrong.  Show me one instance... just ONE instance, where a cat does something better than a dog does.  And "they're independent" doesn't count, because that's not really the point of having a pet, now is it?  If I wanted something that was independent, I'd get a paperweight or one of those garden gnomes.  Then at least I wouldn't have to clean up after it and feed it.

I Dislike the Like
   Facebook, in its infinite wisdom has decided to make one of the most ridiculous, game-changingly stupid decisions I've ever seen.  You all know what Fan Pages are, right?  Or were, anyway?  Well, Facebook has decided to do away with the whole "Fan Page" concept.  They've replaced the "Become a Fan" button with a "Like" button, much like what you see when someone posts something especially witty on their wall, and while you're too shy or lazy to comment on it, you do agree with it.
   Facebook's theory here is that the "like" button is more acceptable than a "Become a Fan Button," because "Becoming a Fan" of something suggests that you will have to do work.  Becoming a fan means you're going to get posts on your wall, you will need to comment on their wall, it ties you down into all this stuff that you really don't want to be a part of.  By just clicking "Like," you're not committed to anything.  You're just telling the world that you like 11 News, just like you like stepping on crunchy leaves in the fall, or how you like dogs better than cats.
   The flaw here is that people on Facebook aren't stupid.  Well, okay let me clarify.  For the millions of people on Facebook who ARE stupid, there are also quite a few who are not.  And even the ones who are stupid aren't going to fall for this little trick.  It won't take any time at all for people to realize that clicking the "Like" button is exactly the same as clicking the "Become a Fan" button, and because of that, if you weren't going to "Become a Fan," you're not going to be any more likely to "Like" something.  Does that make sense?  My point is that this is a useless change, it will make no difference and it won't encourage any more user interaction than "Become a Fan" ever did.
    On the other hand, this little change by Facebook is making my life a living Hell.  Because they've switched their format, I now have to redo every single promo and every single piece of promo material (web, print, etc) that has anything about "Become a Fan of 11 News" on it.  And if you think I've got it bad, picture working for a company like Coca Cola.  Can you imagine how many Coke bottles, how much packaging is out there with "Become a Fan" plastered on it?  What are you gonna do now, recall all of it?  Repackage it?  You don't "Become a Fan" anymore, so what do you do? 
   The solution?  Well, it should have been to leave well enough alone.  I don't know what genius thought this change would be a good way to do things, but he/she was very wrong.  Actually, I can see why they might have done something like this.  There are so many Fan Pages out there, and so many of them are ridiculous, that having a "Like" clarification probably makes sense.  For example, if you were to "Become a Fan" of eating brownies, what does that do for you?  Does it subscribe you to "Brownie Weekly?"  Will you get status updates on different brownie recipes?  I  doubt it.  But if you want to "LIKE" eating brownies, well now that makes a lot more sense.  Okay, so why not create a separate category of pages?  Set up "Like" pages for the morons who can't sleep at night unless they know other people agree with their tastes.  But leave the Fan Pages alone.  The Fan Page is a different experience, and it should stay that way.
   The worst thing about this is that, knowing Facebook, they will decide that this whole "Like" thing wasn't such a good idea, and a month from now they'll go back to "Become a Fan" or something else entirely. It's easy for them to make changes... they don't advertise anywhere. But for those of us out there who DO advertise, and who basically provide them with FREE advertising, it's a nightmare.

Blandocracy
   I heard a shocking bit of news the other day: the FDA is now looking at regulating the amount of salt that can be in the food you eat.  I say this was shocking because it certainly was to people who I know... but it definitely wasn't a shock to me.  It shouldn't be to you either... but if it was, here's another shock: this is only the beginning.
   I hate to pull healthcare into this, I've been sober from healthcare discussions for a while now, but that's what this all ties back into.  If you want to live in a world with Universal Healthcare, you've got to be willing to put up with the consequences... and this is just one of the many we're going to have to put up with.  You could argue that too much salt is bad for you, just like too much trans-fat is bad for you and smoking is bad for you, and so it was in all likelihood going to be regulated anyway.  Sure you could say that, but you also can't deny the fact that there has been a lot more food regulation now that government is going to be in charge of your healthcare.  First restaurants were told they had to post nutritional information on their menus... now they're telling us how much salt we can eat... it's not TOO big a stretch to say that in the near future, we'll be told how much red meat we can eat or how many vegetables have to be included with every single meal we eat.
   You may or may not know this, but the food you eat is LOADED with salt.  Salt is what gives stuff its flavor.  If they start taking salt out of food, then restaurants are going to be hurting big time.  I promise you wouldn't like your hot wings nearly as much if they didn't have salt in them.  You'd hate your pizza, and you would DEFINITELY hate french fries.  Have you ever eaten french fries that someone forgot to salt?  It's like eating potato vomit.  Too much salt IS bad for you, okay, but it's one thing to say "hey look out there's a lot of salt in this food" and then let you decide whether you want to eat it.  It's another thing entirely to tell me what I can and cannot eat because it doesn't meet your standards for health.  But what's to stop them now?  If you don't eat what they tell you, you don't get healthcare.  Mark my words, that's where we're going.
   So to all you people out there who were surprised about this, stop and think: is this your fault?  Did you vote for this to happen?  If you voted for Obama (and I'm talking because you liked him, not because you didn't want a crotchety old man as president instead), if you voted for a democratic senate, if you supported the healthcare legislation, then yes, you had at least something to do with this decision.  Fine, that's your choice and it's your vote... but then you can't get mad when government starts to poke its nose into your diet.  You asked for it, you got it.  ...Toyota.

Defiance
   A group of Jews living in Russia decide that they've had enough of the Germans pushing them around, so they run into the thick woods near their town, a place where the Germans won't be able to track them.  What they weren't counting on is that there would be a ton of other Jews who followed them.  Now there's an entire community of people trying to survive in the wilderness, and most of these people have no knowledge of how to do this.  Three brothers take over the group and try to keep them alive, while at the same time defending them from German attacks and dealing with their own family problems.  Oh, and it's all based on a true story.
   I won't lie, I became interested in this movie because the publicity photo was Daniel Craig standing next to a tree with a giant gun.  I figured "this oughtta be good."  I had no idea that this was based on a true story, and that's important, because while the movie itself wasn't quite what I expected (or hoped), the story itself is pretty friggin' incredible.  My main problem with this movie was the use of Russian accents.  Some people had them, some people didn't... I get that, a Russian accent isn't easy to do.  But Daniel Craig needed a few more lessons, because try as he might, he just went back and forth between butchering a Russian accent and just giving up on it completely.  Use it or lose it, but don't let it become a distraction, which is what it became here.
   Maybe it's just me, but I sure don't remember learning a lot about the Russian part of World War 2.  I learned that the Germans bit off more than they could chew, and that Russia beat them back and really helped the Allies win the war.  I had no idea that Jews were persecuted in Russia, and I really had no idea they were persecuted to the extent depicted in this movie.  The story behind this movie is much more interesting than the movie itself, and to be honest I would have probably enjoyed it more as a History Channel documentary than in its dramatized version.  These were some insanely brave people up against some incredibly difficult odds... odds that I would bet most Americans can't even begin to understand.  Hell I talk like I get it, but I certainly don't.  None of us can guess how we would have acted in this situation, we can only hope that we would be as bold and courageous as these guys were.
   The one saving grace of this movie, to me, was the cinemetography.  Shooting in the forest, especially one this dense, is no easy task.  And yet they had some incredible shots set up.  Dolly moves, sweeping pans, and some long-distance shots that still looked like they were shot in a heavily wooded area.  And this movie was shot on location in Lithuania, no studio stuff going on here.  My favorite shot of the whole movie was one from overhead, looking down at some perfectly still water.  Suddenly there's a ripple, and then from the bottom of the frame enters several characters trying to flee the Germans.  Beautiful, beautiful stuff.
   So how can I recommend this movie?  It's not enjoyable to watch except for from a technical standpoint.  It's a tough story to swallow, and the film doesn't shy away from the brutality these people faced.  But it's one of those that I think everyone needs to see, not only so you can respect what these people went through to survive, but also so that you can sit back and look around you and think about how good you have it today, partly due to their resiliance.  Their DEFIANCE!  NICE!

Revolutionary Road
   A young couple decides to move to the suburbs in 1950s america, and to live out the stereotypical lives of the average American family.  The one problem is that neither of them was planning on living this lifestyle, so they find themselves unhappy and just going through the motions.  They try to save their marriage, only to find themselves sinking deeper and deeper into misery.
   I ordered this movie on Netflix because of the soundtrack.  Thomas Newman, who is one of my favorite composers, did the music for this film, and it was good enough that it spurred me to check it out.  Lesson learned.  Don't do what I did, don't watch a movie because you liked the music... sure it might be good, but there's a better chance (especially if it's a movie you've never heard of) that it will suck and might even ruin the music you loved.  Luckily this movie didn't ruin the music (I barely recall hearing any of it, actually)... but this movie was certainly not good.
   Kate Winslet and Kathy Bates were both nominated for awards because of their roles in this movie, but I think they were crap compared to Leonardo DiCaprio.  And I'm definitely not a DiCaprio fan, so you can imagine how bad the women's performances must have been.  DiCaprio actually wasn't too bad in this movie... he wasn't "Catch me if you Can" material, but then again he wasn't playing alongside one of Hollywood's greatest (Hanks).  Still, he held his own and he definitely out-acted everyone else in this movie.  Though I guess you gotta hand it to Winslet: she did a nice job of playing someone who is batshit crazy.
   The biggest problem with this movie is that I couldn't figure out what it was about.  Was I supposed to feel bad for Winslet's character?  Because I didn't.  That chick was absolutely insane, and she made life miserable for everyone else.  Was I supposed to feel bad for DiCaprio?  I did, but only in the "you poor wimp" sense... because he couldn't stand up to a crazy person.  The cinematography, while not offensive, wasn't anything to write home about either... and as I said before, the music was almost non-existent.  This was one of those movies where you get to the climax and you're not sure if it's the climax... partly because it happens so late in the movie, and partly because you just don't give a shit anymore.
   Don't waste your time with this movie.  It's not enjoyable, it's not entertaining, it's not even educational.  It's two plus hours of your life that you will never get back.  Buy the soundtrack, that's about the only good thing to come out of this whole fiasco.

   Here comes sweeps... everybody watch Channel 11 okay?  Thanks.

Play On, Playa

   Larry King is a pimp.  An 80-something year old, senior citizen, stone-cold pimp.  How many times has this guy been married?  8 I think?  And if his current, soon to be ex-wife is any indication, they were most likely all smokin' hot.  And now he's going to dump this broad, presumeably for something better.  AND, supposedly, he's had a rumored affair with his wife's sister!  Stone-cold King, stone-cold.

Spin it Larry.  Spin it like there's no tomorrow.

   What I can't get around, is how this dude is able to bag these chicks.  Is he super-rich?  He's certainly not a looker.  Maybe it's his rich, velvety smooth voice on the air, his tenacity in the face of guests who refuse to answer his daunting questions, or the fact that in my entire life I've never seen him change the look of his show.  Not once.  Whether its any combination of those things (or hell, all of them), or just his ability to not look like a complete tool staring into an oversized microphone, Larry King, sir, you have my respect.

Show Me the Money

   Since he was elected President, Mr. Obama has taken heat about the true nature of his citizenship in these here United States of America.  I don't know if it's because this past week was tax week, or because something else has stirred up a new need for controversy, but I've been hearing a lot more people demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate.  The most recent event in this case is that of a soldier who is refusing to deploy until he sees the certificate.

   My question is, why not just show the damn thing?  If you're truly a citizen, you've got nothing to hide.  Produce the goods so that these conservative radio show hosts can shut up and start digging for something else to gripe about.  I've also heard that he said he doesn't know where his birth certificate is.  Well, aside from that being a kind of big deal, surely it's somewhere on record, right?  I mean it would be a pain in the ass for any of us to have to get our birth certificates re-issued, but you would think the freakin' President could bypass some of those long lines and red tape... right?

   The scary thing here is that if he's NOT a natural born citizen, then we're going to have a lot of trouble on our hands.  The constitution states that if he's not born in the United States, he cannot be President, and therefore anything that he has signed or declared or whatever is not legal.  That means the war in Afghanistan, the Healthcare Reform Bills, everything gets tossed right out the window. 

   This is a big deal, folks.  And this is no time to start playing cards like "oh he's great, just let him do his thing and shut up about the details."  Why should Obama, or anyone, be held to a different standard than the rest of us?  Just because he's young, just because he's charismatic, just because he made history by being America's first African American President... that doesn't mean he doesn't have to follow the rules.  I heard (and I don't know if this is true) that the soldier who refused to deploy is now being court-marshalled, and that they're actually going to test him for insanity.  Really?  The guy sounds pretty sane to me in his request, and I think it's a request that we should all have.  You can bet if George Bush's or John McCain's or Al Gore's citizenships were questioned, there would be a full inquiry and investigation into it.  It's time for Barack Obama's honeymoon period to end.  It's time for us to stop treating him like he's invincible, and start treating him like he's accountable... just like we would (or should) with any other President.

   OR... or... we could just renounce the whole citizen thing, and that way AHNOLD SCHWAHZZENNEGGGA could be President.  AHNOLD IN 2012!

Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

   Once upon a time there was an innocent little talk show on NBC Late Night called "The Tonight Show."  Other than the occasional bad-tasting joke, there wasn't any real controversy surrounding it, and it was a good hour of entertainment.  Then NBC, in its infinite wisdom, decided to shake things up and put a man on the show who may or may not have been put there quite so soon.  That man's name was Conan O'Brien.  Now, through no fault of Conan's, and through no fault of his buddy Jay Leno, all kinds of shit hit the fan because of this decision.  In the end, Conan got paid an assload of money and left the show, returning it to Jay where it once belonged (and where many would argue it should have remained in the first place, at least for now).

   You know all of this.  What's new in this story is that Conan O'Brien, who has begun touring the country doing standup comedy, and who's Twitter page is an endless supply of laughs (FINALLY a reason for Twitter!)... is inexplicably moving his Late Night Talk Show to TBS.  That's right folks, instead of going to Fox or ABC (who was stupid not to immediately offer him a job), Conan is going to be standing with the likes of other TV greats, such as... uh, Frank Caliendo.  And uh... George Lopez?

   All joking aside, I believe moving to TBS was the biggest mistake Conan O'Brien could have made.  Oh sure, his followers will watch him there... hell, some people might even buy cable just so they can watch him.  But the bottom line is that TBS is where Talk Shows go to die.  Cable and Satellite might have better market penetration now than they ever have, but they still don't compare to the number of people who get their TV over the air, and who only get the big Networks because of that.  So already, while Conan might be able to hold his own by TBS standards, he won't have the reach that he could have had on a Fox or an ABC (idiots!).  Not only that, but he'll also be competing directly with John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, a much more dynamic duo on a station where Comedy is expected.  TBS is the network that you put on while you're cleaning the house on some random saturday, because more than likely there will be a moderately bad movie on for background noise (hello "Rush Hour 2").  It's definitely not known as the premier network for cutting-edge late-night comedy... and I don't think Conan (or anyone) will be able to change that.

   Will Conan survive this?  I'm sure.  But I'm not so sure his show will last on TBS.  He's a great catch for the network, but I think he's selling himself short by going there.  Really short.  I predict a short run, followed by more Twitter and Live Standup type stuff, before one of the big networks finally wakes up and gives Conan the podium he deserves and has rightfully earned.  Maybe I'll be wrong... I just hope that he doesn't wind up like Tom Green, bouncing around from new talk show to new talk show, each one sold as "the hot new thing for kids!" but really being an hour of suck, and in th meantime he himself is barely hovering above anonymity.  Best of luck to you Conan, and best of luck to your hair.

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder

   Fry, Leela, and friends all embark on another wacky journey into space in this feature-length movie.  This time, Leela joins a group of feminists as they try to stop Mr. Wong from demolishing planets to build a super-sized Mini-golf course, while Fry discovers that due to his brainwaves he is the only one who can save the universe.  It all comes together into one silly conclusion involving Zapp Branigan being an idiot.

   Futurama is back in a big way.  Not only have the producers released several feature-length DVDs such as this one, but the show is going to be renewed on Comedy Central in June.  I for one am decently pumped.  I'm a big fan of the old espisodes, and I think back when Fox cancelled this show, they should have cancelled "The Simpsons" instead... but I'm also a little worried about this show coming back, and a lot of that worry has to do with what I've seen in the DVDs.

   I don't know if it's because the producers have to fill two hours, or because the idea box is just running out of gas, but this movie (along with others that I've seen) just isn't nearly as funny as the 30-minute episodes of "Futurama."  Out of the entire movie, there were maybe two parts that had me actually laughing, and that was only because for a brief moment, I saw a glimmer of what this show once was.  The rest of this movie is over-the-top, way too obvious humor that really is so bottom rung that it's hard to believe these are the same people who created this show to begin with.  What's worse is that this movie effectively ruins what was the subject of a lot of the humor in the series: the whole Fry/Leela relationship.  I won't tell you what happens, I'll just tell you that if you're a Futurama fan, you'll be sad.

   I'm sure if you're a fan of this series, you've already seen this movie.  If you're not, chances are you don't even know what "Futurama" is, and I definitely don't think this is the place to start.  Check out some of the older episodes (I'm sure you can get them on Netflix or probly find them on youtube somewhere).  If you like them, join me and countless others as we cross our fingers and hope that the series re-launch will follow the old show episodes and not these sad excuses for movies.

Hamlet 2

   An out-of-work actor who never made it as far as he wanted to go, decides instead to teach drama class at a high school in Tuscon.  He hates his job, he hates his life, and he's a really screwed up job.  What makes things worse is that they're cutting the arts at his school, so while his theatre class is finally getting more students (since it's the only easy class), his entire program is facing extinction.

   I have to be honest, I thought this movie was going to be very funny.  You've got the "director" guy from "Tropic Thunder," playing a wash-out, and a bunch of ghetto kids in a theatre class cracking jokes.  What's not to like, right?

   Wrong.  This movie was terrible.  It wasn't funny, and I don't know if it was even trying to be.  Wait, I think it was because there were a lot of jokes.  They just weren't funny.  The acting all around was just terrible.  It was stiff, it was un-rehearsed, and whenever it involved students it really came across that these were just kids that the producers drove around picking up off the street.  "Hey kid, you look ghetto.  Wanna be in a movie?"  Doesn't really work as well as it sounds.

   The sad thing is that this movie COULD have been good, if it had just been able to figure out where it was trying to go.  There are inklings of a tragic comedy in here, a-la Will Ferrel or even Napoleon Dynamite.  There are little bits of inspiration, a teacher who hates his life but finds renewal in teaching kids how to respect the arts.  There's even a big production at the end that could have been nice... but it wasn't.  None of these things come to fruition, and so they all suck.  The kids are mean and bitter towards the teacher, but in the next scene they want to help him out.  The inspiration is so awful that it's hard to even feel bad for the teacher.  And the play at the end is so badly written and acted that it's impossible to believe that anyone would give a damn in real life, even if it was their own kids acting in the play.  Throw in a flash of the teachers wang, and you've got yourself one crappy movie.

   The ONLY good thing in this movie, it's saving grace, is that it has a few parts with Elizabeth Shue, who I must say is looking pretty damn good these days.  I think she's my new favorite hot actress, but even she is kinda weird and awkward in this movie.  At first I thought it was because she didn't want to do it, but no, I think she really was trying.  I mean she kissed the teacher guy, and she used her tongue.  My respect for her is dropping pretty quickly so I'm just going to move on.

   Don't waste your time/money/life by watching this movie.  I guarantee you won't like it.  If you do, you're not my friend anymore.

   Before I go I just want to touch on something that really irked me and that should stir you up real nice as you continue with the rest of your day.  There's a movie coming out called "Death at a Funeral," maybe you've heard of it?  The previews are everywhere right now.  It honestly looks hilarious, but it also really bothers me, and that's because I believe this movie is racist.

   First of all, there's already a movie called "Death at a Funeral."  It came out in 2007.  So is this a remake?  And was it remade so that it could have an almost entirely African American cast?  Granted the 2007 version is mostly white, but it just seems to me a little odd to now come out with this version just a few years later.  While that is debateable, I also don't agree with the stereotypes in this movie.  The white people in this movie, or at least in the preview, look absolutely stupid.  I would say that that's a stab at white people, but the thing is, again at least in the preview, the black people are also very stereotypical.  So now we're stereotyping everybody?  Still, in all honesty, I didn't even feel any kind of racial tension watching this preview until the very end, when it's exposed that the guy who died had a secret love affair with a white midget.  I think it was Chris Rock who says "wait, our father had a secret love affair with a dwarf, and you're mad because he's white?"

   How is that okay?  How is it okay that Chris Rock can make a joke like that, but if it were Dane Cook or Ryan Reynolds, there would be all kinds of uproar about it?  This is the double standard which I've talked about before, and which I believe HAS to go away or this country will NEVER move beyond its current state of racism.  We could sit here and argue about racism in movies all day, and I won't disagree that there's plenty of anti-african american racism in movies out there... but why does that make it okay for this type of thing to blatantly come out?  Why is that funny, while the other thing is offensive?  Help me out here people.

   Like I said, I'm sure "Death at a Funeral" is going to be hilarious... it has some of the funniest people around in it.  And maybe I'm blowing this thing out of proportion, I guess I won't really know until I see the whole movie.  All I'm saying is that I think we all now have to be careful about this kind of stuff.  If it's not okay for white people to make fun of anyone else (it's not okay, by the way), then it shouldn't be okay for those minorities to make fun of white people... or other minorities either.  Come on, can't we all just get along?

Dadadat-doo-dat-dat... doop

   As I'm sure you could all tell, that's the first few notes to Super Mario Bros/Twins, one of the best video games of all time.  I wouldn't consider myself a "gamer..." like I don't own any shirts with Sonic the Hedgehog on them, and I don't have a World of Warcraft account (actually I've only played that game once and it was only for about 5 minutes... meh).  But video games have played an integral part of my life.  I've played them since I was a kid and without them I certainly wouldn't be as awesome as I am today.  Almost, but not quite.  And so, without further ado, here are the best videogames in the world.  You may have additions or changes to this list, and you may disagree with some of my choices... if you do, you're wrong.
   Battle - The first game system I ever had was an Atari.  It had the usuals: Pac-Man, frogger, Pitfall... but there was one game that stood out above the rest: BATTLE.  Battle was better than any game on the system for the simple reason that you could play against each other and actually kill each other on like, 30 different battlefields.  Sure they were mostly repeats of the same thing (planes in clear skies, planes in cloudy skies, THREE PLANES EACH), but for its day, this game was incredibly badass.  And I was pretty good at it too.
   Super Mario Bros - I'm going to lump all these games into one category, because for the most part they're all amazing.  I never really played the RPGs or Paper Marios, and the Party/Cart games are kind of in their own category (still pretty good though)... I'm mostly talking about the Mario and Luigi adventures where they ran around punching blocks and stomping bad guys.  I haven't tried the new "Galaxy Games" yet (though I hear they're great), so I will just say that the best ones I've played have to be Super Mario 3 (NES) and Super Mario World (SNES).  Super Mario 64 was also good, but it doesn't have the timeless fun that 3 and World have.  Still, screw Sonic... Nintendo got it right with Mario, and he's still moving systems for them today.
   Tiger Heli - This game rocked because of its music and because of its incredible difficulty.  It never ends (thank you Game Genie)!  This game was awesome because you got to blow a lot of stuff up, and you could pick up powerups in the form of little helpercopters that would either shoot forward or sideways.  Sidenote: when I was a kid I HATED the sideways shooting helicopters, but now I realize they are awesome because you can really wreak havoc on a level shooting in all directions.
   Bubble Bobble - Hands down, the BEST co-op game on Nintendo... Bubble Bobble is incredible because you really can't beat it for real without a second player helping you out.  Sure you can get to the last level, but it's not the REAL last level.  I can't tell you how many people have "beaten" this game but never seen the true ending... that was a pretty sly move by the Japanese.  I can see them all sitting back sipping Sake, laughing at us as we try to figure out why we can't get to "Happy End."  Well, me and my brother got it, so all of you can just suck it.  Great level design, and a ton of them, interesting bad guys and a TON of great powerups (whuddup Umbrella?) make this still one of the most fun games I've ever played.
   Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game, and Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time - There have been a lot of Ninja Turtles games on the systems I grew up with, but these two are without question the best ones out of the bunch.  "The Arcade Game" came out on NES and it was the closest thing you could get to the actual arcade (one of the best arcade games ever, by the way).  It was hard as a mofo, and the mechanics weren't nearly as good, but for a Nintendo game it was a lot of fun.  "Turtles in Time" on the SNES (don't waste my time, Sega), was also incredible.  They got everything right on this one... hell I like it even better than the arcade.  It's a very satisfying game, GREAT sound effects and music, and awesome bad guys to fight.  Now if they could just figure out how to get a Ninja Turtles game to not suck, we'd be in great shape.
   Zelda - Another one that I'm going to lump together, though there have certainly been a fair share of awful, awful Zelda games.  Windwaker?  Ridiculous.  Majora's Mask?  More like Majora's waste of time.  But Ocarina of time, Link to the Past, and Twilight Princess were all very impressive, very enjoyable games.  And don't even think of bringing up some Final Fantasy bullshit... everyone knows these games are better.  Real-time combat, fun levels that don't act like Soap Operas and don't get ridiculous... the only thing Zelda doesn't do better is character design (N'avi made me want to kill myself in Ocarina)... but the people behind these games have a formula that works, and when they stick to it, their games are awesome.
   Contra - Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start.  If you don't know that code you've never played videogames or you're a fool.  That code is what let me (and countless others) beat this punishing Nintendo game.  This game is great because it's one of the VERY rare cases where the Nintendo version is actually BETTER than the arcade.  The graphics are simple, the levels are fairly bland, and yet I cannot put this game down.  Why?  One word: Spread.  The Spread Gun on this game might just be the best powerup in any game ever.  When you get the Spread Gun, it's like you're a god on thin ice... you have a badass weapon, but it still only takes on hit to kill you.  More often than not when I have the spread gun, my nerves get the best of me and I wind up dying just because I'm too scared to try to jump or too busy trying to make sure that tank won't kill me and I get blasted by the foot soldier instead.
   Mega Man 3 - I'm only talking about Mega Man 3 because I never really played any of the other ones.  Mega Man 3 is the best Mega Man simply because of its soundtrack.  Sure Mega Man 2 has some gems, but Mega Man 3 is like the perfected version.  The bad guys were awesome (with the except of Hard Man), and the power ups were great too.  My favorite part of this game on the original Nintendo was the cheat where player 2 holds Select and Down, granting Player 1 invulnerability (you die, but you don't die).  It really glitched out the game, but it was a lot of fun.  I finally beat this game for the first time a few weeks ago, one of the most satisfying moments of my entire life.
   XMen/Jurassic Park (Sega) - There are only two good Sega games that the Super Nintendo didn't do better: "XMen," and "Jurassic Park."  Xmen was fantastic because it was a side-scrolling beat-em-up.  It didn't have Collossus (who was the best X-Man ever), and it was hard as hell (I never beat it), but it had classic characters and decent level design.  Plus you could make Wolverines claws go in and out.  "Jurrasic Park" was great because it followed the movie and actually had surprisingly good graphics.  There was nothing scarier than the last level where Velociraptors were chasing you and unless you had the cheat on, you only had a certain number of rockets to down them with.  Otherwise they would keep getting you up, hunt you down, and eat your SOUL.  I was never a big Sega guy, but these two games were friggin' sweet.
   Top Gear - All you fans of "Burnout" or "Gran Tourismo?"  Yeah, you wouldn't be ANYWHERE if it weren't for the Top Gear games.  Kemco (are they even around anymore?) created a brilliant series here.  The first game was like nothing I'd ever played before: beautiful graphics, and excellent soundtrack, and challenging courses.  The second one upped the ante by giving you upgradeable cars, though it sacrificed some of the great visuals and music.  The third one put it all together though, and those dudes created what is still in my mind one of the best racers of all time.  Excellent cars, excellent graphics, incredible power-ups, and an ingenious refueling/repair mechanism make this game near the top of my "all time greatest" list.
   Tomb Raider - I'm only talking about the first one here.  I used to go to Blockbuster and rent a playstation (10 bucks biatch!) just so I could play this game in all of its pixellated glory.  Looking at it now, it's pretty ugly, but back then having an entire 3-d world to explore was just insane.  It was HUGE, and even though you couldn't really make out bad guys on top of the ugly-ass brownish color pallete, it was still a blast to play.  To this day I've never beaten this game, I got to this part with a huge cliff and I just stopped.  To be honest, I don't think I'd want to take it any further than that, it might spoil the memory.
   Colony Wars - "The Earth Empire Saw Everything... Knew everything... PUNISHED everything."  James Earl Jones, ladies and gentleman, in a game that was way ahead of its time and way awesome.  Fully 3-d ships flying around blowing the crap out of each other, this game was like "X-Wing" on steroids.  This was the best game I ever owned on Playstation.  The best part about this game, a part that frustrated the hell out of me at the time and that I've only recently learned to appreciate, is that there was no such thing as replaying a mission.  If you failed, you moved on, licking your wounds and hoping for the best.  This game had something like 10 endings, and depending on how far you got successfully was how well things wound up for your Rebellion.  If you beat every mission, you had outright victory and shut the Empire down.  If you lost the last mission, you struck up a truce with the Empire and you both went your separate ways.  Brilliant I tell you!
   Killer Instinct - There were some pretty badass fighting games on consoles growing up.  I was always more of a "Street Fighter" fan than a "Mortal Kombat" guy, but the game that really changed everything for me was "Killer Instinct."  I wasn't ever any good, I always played as Fulgore and even though I could beat the game, I could never get much more than a 5 or 6 hit combo.  I honestly liked watching this game more than playing it, I just thought it was awesome how fast everything went, and how nuts it got when two very good players went up against each other.  ULTRAA  ULTRAAA ULTRAAA ULTRAAA!
   Command and Conquer - I know, I know, "Starcraft" is much better than Command and Conquer.  There are a million strategy games out there, and most of them are as good or better than Command and Conquer, but the C&C series was my first taste of real-time strategy and so it holds a special place in my heart.  I'll never forget the day my friend Jacob brought this game over and loaded it up for the first time.  The thought of amassing a gigantic army and trampling bad guys with it was unheard of... and awesome.  These games have gone down in quality over the years, unfortunately, but I still play the first one every now and then just to feel the satisfaction of building about 20 GDI tanks and leveling everything in sight.
   Goldeneye/Perfect Dark - Don't get me wrong, I could easily write for days on either of these groundbreaking games.  These were hands down the best games on the Nintendo 64.  Each one has it's perks, even though they're essentially the same game with different skins.  My favorite part of Goldeneye was putting on the invisibility cheat and blowing up Soviets with the rocket launcher.  It was like the 64's physics could ALMOST handle it, but not quite.  And Perfect Dark's multiplayer should be a template of the absolute best way to do things ever.  Bots?  Challenges?  Awesome character and level/weapon customization?  This game had it all.  They just re-released Perfect Dark on XBox Live Arcade, and I've been playing it like there's no tomorrow.
   Super Smash Bros - I'm not any good at this game... in fact, I rarely play it because I get so frustrated it makes me want to bang my head into a wall... but I think this has to be one of the most brilliant ideas for a game design ever.  Combine all of your best characters from all of your games, and some from other license-friendly competitors, into one huge mosh pit and duke it out.  How can you go wrong with that?  I'll tell you: Pokemon.  Pokemon ruin "Super Smash Bros."  They invade the entire damn game, clogging it with their stupid powerups and stuff.  Give them their own game for the idiotic kids to play... when I'm beating the crap out of Starfox as Samus Aran, I don't want a damn Pokeball getting in my way.
   WCW Vs NWO - There was a time when I was really into wrestling, and it was because of this video game.  Still the best wrestling game out there, WCW was ugly, hard to control, and overall pretty slow... but we played it for HOURS at a time.  This game had such an influence on our lives that we actually used parts of it in the movies we were making at the time.
   Rainbow Six/Ghost Recon - I've never read a Tom Clancy book in my life, but if I saw that guy I would shake his hand (assuming I was still alive).  I can't speak for his writing, but his ability to inspire Ubisoft employees to create great games earns my gratitude.  The original Rainbow Six on Xbox was one of the most addictive games I've ever played.  Forget the story, it was all about multiplayer.  I actually still talk to some of the friends I made playing this game (whuddup BigKev).  My buddy Paul used to come over and set up in my brother's room, with me in the living room, and we would host huge rooms of people and just wail on them.  We even had "plan alpha," where we would turn on friendly fire without telling anyone, and then drop grenades right at the spawn point before booting everyone out of the server and turning off our xboxes.  Classic!  Oh and just a quick comment on Rainbow's little brother "Ghost Recon..." what happened to those games?  The first two were incredible, sneaking around and sniping off bad guys from afar... but in the more recent ones, as soon as you fire a shot (even a silenced shot), EVERYONE knows EXACTLY where you are and comes running like mad.  Kinda takes the fun out of it don't you think?
   Crimson Skies - I've always wanted to be a pilot, and while Crimson Skies is no simulator, it certainly gives the illusion of flying.  Playing this now on my big-screen, even with its outdated XBox graphics, is awesome.  I keep waiting for these guys to put out a sequel to this game, but so far all I've seen from them is the sub-par "Dark Void."  Why?  WWWHHHYYYYYY???
   Halo - Alright, we all knew this one was coming.  Halo is by far the best, most influential video game series I've ever played.  Hell it might just be the most influential on any console ever.  It's certainly sold enough copies to claim that title.  I knew almost nothing about Halo when it came out, which is probably good because I was in college and I know I would have failed out.  The first time I ever played Halo was at a CompUSA in Sugar Land.  They had a demo set up with the old "Duke" controller (the giant monkey-hands one).  I picked up the controller and wandered through some hallways on what I now know was Blood Gulch, and I distinctly remember looking out of one of the doors and thinking "man if only they would make a game where you could go out there... that would be incredible."  I didn't even try to go out the door.  If I had, I would have opened my eyes to one of the greatest games of all time.  Luckily, my buddy Patrick brought it over one night, and the next day I went out and bought an XBox and a copy of the game.  Halo was groundbreaking because you could actually link up to 4 xboxes together and play via system link, on four different TVs, in four different rooms!  That meant no more looking at each other's screens, no more cheating... now you could make plans with your team in complete secrecy, spring ambushes, and plan out detailed "Capture the flag" assaults.  This game held its own for years, and even today firing it up and driving the old Warthog around brings back some great memories.  The sequels to this game have also been groundbreaking and fun... I still play Halo 3 sometimes, and I'm pretty pumped for the Reach Beta coming up... but there was just something about the first Halo.  Something about throwing a grenade under the front wheel of an oncoming Hog, only to send it flying overhead and shotgunning the driver out as he flew past.  Something about spending hours trying to get out of the level and into areas that weren't designed and would make the game crash.  Hours of "BOBBY'S SOMEWHERE!" and then running around the corner to give someon a shotgun shampoo.  This game changed gaming for me forever, and no matter what the haters say, it's been a HUGE part of why gaming is so popular and so widely accepted today.
   There's more.  There are oh so many more games that I played growing up.  These are just the cream of the crop, or at least the cream of the part of the crop that I can remember offhand.  I'm sure there are also a lot of good games out there that I missed out on, but I don't care.  I'm not a gamer, as that list of 20 some odd games will prove.  Right?

iCrap
   Oh you stupid, stupid, chumps.  I've seen a lot of stupidity in my day, but this whole ipad craze has to be some of the worst.  For the 2 of you on the planet who haven't heard, the "ipad" is Apple's latest gizmo, the latest thing that people will wait hours in line for, a device that, despite it not really serving any purpose, everyone HAS to have.  And it's also Apple's latest way of making fools out of every single last one of you.  Oh I could sit here and tell you what's wrong with the ipad.  I could try to explain to you that you're dropping hundreds of dollars on something that any netbook or laptop could do better for a fraction of the cost.  I could try to show you that it's awkward, large, glarey, etc.  But I won't, because there are already plenty of articles from smarter and better writers than myself out there doing a fine job of that.  No, instead I'm going to try to show you why you're a complete toolbox for even THINKING about buying one of these overpriced paperweights.  That way when you're out hundreds of dollars, looking at your ipad sitting there on the table turned off, thinking "now what," you'll have my voice in the back of your head shouting "I TOLD YOU SO!"
   There's a great skit in an episode of Family Guy where this dude is writing on his laptop at the coffee shop.  Another dude is sitting there and he says "getting some writing done?"  The first guy says "yeah, the only way I can feel like I"m getting anything accomplished is if people are watching me!"  The skit goes on to explain why the idiots you see at the coffee shop working so dilligently on their laptops are there.  Sure there might be one or two people actually trying to get stuff done, but the bulk of those people are updating facebook or twittering about how their extra hot foamy latte burned their tongue.  My point here is that if you buy an ipad, you're essentially telling the world that you're one of those people.  Do you really care what the ipad does, or is it more that you feel better about yourself walking into a room with one of those tucked awkwardly under your arm?  Do you feel cooler trying to type on it even though the back is slightly rounded so it wavers on the table?  Do you feel like a champ knowing that you paid upwards of 500 dollars for the book your reading, and I paid 5 dollars for the same book in paperback?  Let's hope you do, because otherwise you just completely wasted your money.
    Apple is smart.  They've fashioned their devices on the premise that they're trendy, they're cool.  I've said repeatedly that I have no need for an iphone, and you know what the unanimous response has been?  "I said that too until I got one, now I don't know what I'd do without it."  I'll tell you what you'd do: go on living your life like the rest of us.  But the iphone, while I still have complaints, is at least acceptable because it serves a purpose.  It is a smart phone that does a lot of convenient things for you and fits nicely in the palm of your hand or in your pocket.  I get it.  The ipad, however, I don't get.  A glorified iphone, blown up 10 times, though not much faster or better in any way, and hundreds of dollars more expensive. 
   As I said, the people at Apple are smart, they must have known what they were doing.  I figure they were probably sitting at a board meeting trying to brainstorm on how to wow people once again, when someone says "hey, this isn't original, and really it's kind of embarassing, but what if we just made a bigger iphone?"  "Hey yeah, you're onto something there I think."  "Well, what will it do?"  "Not much, we really can't get it to do much without turning it into a netbook."  "Yeah but that's okay, because we're Apple, and as long as we sell it right people will flock to it no matter HOW shitty it is!"  "Yeah you're right!  Hey let's charge a lot for it just to really stick it to these morons!"  Good meeting guys.  It worked.  These things are selling out left and right, Apple is rolling in the dough, and you're a chump.
   Bottom Line: Apple is Microsoft, only on a smaller scale.  If Apple had as much money and if they had won the PC wars, they would be exactly like Microsoft, and chances are, Microsoft would be just like Apple.  People like to help out the little guy, it makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside, and Apple did a good job of selling themselves as that for years.  Now they're selling themselves as the underdog who grew up, and it's working.  But, just like the fashion Gurus in "Zoolander" who had people wearing GARBAGE, the people at Apple are basically poking fun at you, trying to show you just how foolish you are by cramming a basically useless, worthless object down your throat, knowing that you'll buy it because it has an Apple logo on it.  You think you're sticking it to the man, but really you're just making a fool out of yourself.  How's THAT for counterculture?
   So do you own an ipad?  Tell me why.  I dare you to give me one good reason why I or anyone else should drop that huge amount of money on such a shitty device.  Show me one thing it does that a laptiop can't, or even a cheap netbook can't.  And at least look in the mirror so you can see yourself: walking around with your iphone in one hand, ipod in the other, earbuds in tight, listening to some anti-establishment punk rock, golfer's hat on backwards, wearing three shirts that don't really go together or fit at all, super-tight girly jeans, loafers, hemp bracelt, and tucking a very, very expensive book under your arm.  CHUMP.

Rendition
   An egyptian born dude is at a meeting in South Africa, when on his flight home, he is abducted by the CIA and taken to a secret prison somewhere.  In the meantime his wife and son are left at the airport with now information or knowledge of his abduction.  Meanwhile there's an attempted attack on some official in the same country where this secret prison is located.  Meanwhile Jake Gyllenhal and his new friend are driving along when suddenly Jake's buddy is killed by shrapnel from said explosion.  So Jake is now promoted to the position that leaves him watching this Egyptian Born guy get tortured while he swears up and down that he had nothing to do with the attack.  But can he stomach it?  Guess you'll have to watch and find out.  Or not.
   Here's a movie that would actually be very interesting if it weren't so overtly political in its statement.  Okay we get it, you don't agree with torture, no need to ram it down our throats for two hours.  There are some good performances here, considering that one guy had to actually be water-boarded... I don't know if you could pay me to do that.  And I have to admit, while they were pretty anti-torture, anti-bush, they also didn't try to make you feel sorry for the terrorists either.  Sure there was some pity toward the ignorant kid who had no idea what he was getting into or why he was getting into it, but the terrorists certainly weren't painted as saints.
   Two things killed this movie for me: the fact that you are (unknowingly) time-travelling through the entire story, and Reese Witherspoon.  The time travel thing was very confusing, especially because there are no cues to tell you you've been travelling through time until the very, very end.  I remember the exact scene when I was liek "WTF?"  I actually went and googled it and found a lot of other frustrated people who didn't like that either.  And Reese Witherspoon can't really be blamed for her role, I think it was just poorly written.  You've got so many political statements flying around in this movie, there's no need to throw in another one about the strength of a pregnant woman and women's rights too.
   I cannot recommend this movie.  It wasn't bad, don't get me wrong, but it certainly wasn't as good as it could have been.  Compelling story idea on paper, not great execution.  There are some big names in this one too, but I guess it just goes to show you that no amount of great acting or great actors can save a movie if it sucks at its core.  You can polish a turd, but in the end it's still a turd.

   And while I'm on Netflix, get this: they've signed a deal with the movie studios to DELAY THE RELEASE OF NEW MOVIES 28 DAYS!  28 days people!  Can you believe it?  How much money could they have possibly been paid to risk pissing off their entire customer base?   Keep an eye on this one people, we might just bear witness to one of the greatest companies and business models the world has ever seen, shoot itself in the foot and bleed out right before our eyes.  Until next time...