Shiggity Shiggity Shwe...

I got movies this week and that's it.  If you don't like that, getouttaheah.

The Spirit
   Made by the same folks who did "Sin City," "The Spirit" is another comic book made movie, this time following the story of a superhero full of questions.  Why does he have super powers?  Who is his arch enemy?  How are they related?  What the hell is going on here?  He finds out.  He finds out big time.
   I went into this movie expecting another "Sin City," and maybe that was my first mistake.  This movie, while in the same style and with a similar story telling method, is nothing like it's more well-known and more successful predecessor.  The look of this movie was pretty good, but ultimately it came across as a cheap imitator of "Sin City."  That's odd because I think it was prety much all the same people behind the scenes.  "Sin City" was dark, dirty, and not very pleasant.  This movie is dark, but not very dirty and honestly kinda cheesy at times (what's the deal with the bad guy's egg obsession?)
   "The Spirit" is stocked with some pretty big names.  Samuel L Jackson plays a nutjob (kinda reminded me of his character for the second half of "Sphere," which, incidentally, is a great movie).  Scarlett Johansen was meh, at best, and so was just about everyone else.  Oh, the dad from "The Wonder Years" was pretty good, though his role wasn't too far out of context from everything else I've ever seen him act in.
   Overall, "The Spirit" wasn't a bad movie.  I never read the comic so I can't say how close it is to the actual material, but I can say that it at least kept me interested enough to watch the entire thing.  If you liked "Sin City," this one might be right up your alley... just don't go into it expecting the same gritty, feel-bad story.

Extract
   This dude runs an extract factory.  He's loaded but he's not happy.  He makes it very clear that he's not getting laid enough.  Enter this hot chick who is a clepto and decides to take advantage of the situation at the extract company.  Then a dude gets hurt... again at the extract company.  Mix all that together and I guess you've got yourself a movie.
   Fun fact (rumor) about Mike Judge: apparently the guy went to my high school.  Yes, Clements High School.  The sketchy part about this is that apparently one of the coaches is modeled after his classic Hank Hill character.  I forget the coach's name, but the dude DOES sound exactly like Hank Hill.  Whether that's true or not who knows... all I know is that after "Office Space," this guy has done nothing but strike out with his movies.
   "Extract" has a decent storyline.  Guy unhappy with his life?  Check.  Hot chick with faults?  Check.  Stupid buddy in the form of Ben Affleck?  Check Plus.  The problem with "Extract" is that it doesn't go anywhere or do anything.  It spends a ton of time trying to be funny but winds up spinning its wheels and going nowhere.  There were a couple (literally) of funny parts, but most of this movie had me begging it to get to the point.  Or A point at least.
   What was the point of Mila Kunis' character?  Why with the pool guy?  What did Bateman learn through the course of this movie?  As I said it goes nowhere, it's like a string of jokes with no real punchline.  It's a shame too, because there were some really funny people in this movie, all put to waste (seriously, Ben Affleck was the funniest character in this movie -- if that doesn't tell you something then I don't know what will).
   "Office Space" was a hilarious gold mine of a movie.  "Idiocracy" was pretty stupid, but at least it went somewhere.  Even "Beavis and Butthead Do America" had its moments.  "Extract," however, is pretty much a complete waste of time.  Save yourselvesthe trouble, Jason Bateman fans... wait for the "Arrested Development" movie and pray that it's good.

Seven Pounds
   A successful businessman blames himself for a terrible accident that kills 7 people, so he decides to help 7 people out before he kills himself.  But when he meets the woman who could become the next love of his life, will he carry out his plan?  WHO KNOWS?
   Man, I went into this movie expecting some serious shit.  Everyone I've ever talked to who watched "Seven Pounds" said it was amazing, though thouroughly depressing.  Well, whoever it was who told me that, I would like to know exactly what it was that you were referring to.
   Maybe my biggest problem has to do with Will Smith.  I just have a hard time taking the guy seriously.  "The Pursuit of Happyness" was a decent movie, but I didn't care for his role there either.  I guess where I see Will Smith is in roles more like "Men in Black" or "Independence Day," or even "iRobot," where if you gotta be serious, at least you can be kicking some ass.  This movie is basically a series of closeups of Will Smith trying to look tortured, but really he looks more like he has to take a crap.
   Seriously I felt like the best scenes in this movie were the ones that had very little to do with Will Smith.  Woody Harrelson especially was great... he was the highlight of the movie and he's only in it for what, 10 minutes total?  Ridiculous.  Maybe they should have cast someone a little better at acting, like a Denzel Washington or an Ed Harris, I don't know.  Smith just wasn't able to carry this movie.
   So should you see it?  I don't know.  It's predictable, it's sappy, and it's hard to believe at times, but I guess the underlying story is a good and touching one, so take that for what you will.  Just don't come crying to me if you don't like it.

   Okay I'm closing with a shameless plug.  Do me a big favor and check out my station's new facebook page, would ya?  Become a fan, poke around, and let me know what you think.  I'm doing a lot of the desining on this one, and I'd like some honest feedback on what works, what doesn't, what you like and what needs to go away asap.  I appreciate the help... Happy Easter everyone...
  

Don't Touch It

   If you're expecting a big long tirade on the Healthcare decision, go somewhere else.  I've already said my piece on this stuff in the last couple of entries, no point in going back over it again.  I'm just going to let it go for now, and it's probably best you do too.
   There's no sense in getting all riled up, the bill's passed and it's going to happen.  All you can do is hope that there's not too much damage done between now and November, and that everyone has enough patience to wait until election time to let their voices be heard.  The last thing we need right now is for some nutjob to take matters into his own hands and try to make a statement about how much he hates healthcare.  Everyone just relax, we all know how the government works... Barack Obama can't wipe his nose without there being some kind of committee meeting on what type of kleenex he should be using, how many he should use, and who should get a tax break for it.
   For now, let's just move on to more exciting/less repetitive things...

Future's So Bright...
   If you grew up watching such awesome movies as "Back to the Future," "Terminator," "Tron," etc... you're probably pretty disappointed in how the world has turned out.  No holographic shark coming out of the top of a Texaco station (remember Texaco?)...  No living inside of a computer...  Not even a Judgement Day.  Those movies made the 2000s look like they were going to be some pretty awesome years, but if you think about it, most of these futuristic inventions, while cool on paper, actually suck incredibly bad.  Consider:
   Time Travel - How cool would it be to be able to go back in time?  You could find that girlfriend you screwed up with and make things right, or tell yourself when you were a kid to stop eating so much fatty food or you'll grow up to be a lardass.  Well, actually, assuming it were possible, time travel would, without a doubt, bring on destruction the likes of which we can't even imagine.  The Butterfly Effect, though ridiculously named (why not call it something cool like the lightning effect?), is completely true.  Every single thing you do in the past effects every single thing in the future.  And going to the future would screw things up even worse... imagine finding things that are invented in the future and then bringing them back to the present?  The patent wars would cripple our economy and probably cause a lot of explosions.  The fact that we don't see Time Travelers now already tells us that (a) it will never be invented, or (b) it's going to be invented but it will be so secretive and restricted that no one will ever know about it.  Let's hope (a), because if (b) is happening then we're all being maipulated and we're all screwed anyway.
   Flying Cars - I was driving to work the other day, enjoying my daily "watch the morons drive" routine, when I thought o myself "hey, if I had a flying car I could just get over these dumbasses and get to work on time!  Wouldn't that be great?"  Actually, no, no it would not be great at all.  If you think traffic is bad now, think about trying to deal with it in 3 dimensions!  Not only do you have to worry about the idiots in front and behind and to the side of you, now you have to worry about the stupid texting teens, the over-aggressive and stupid soccer moms, and the foreigners who couldn't read the drivers test (yet still passed) above and below you as well!  Traffic would be less of a crawl and more of a clusterfuck.  Just trying to move would be risking your life, since no one would follow road rules (cars right now go on concrete, they have a rough time on most other surfaces... but in the air anything goes).  Even if we could invent flying cars today, it certainly wouldn't be wise.  Unless they just gave one to me, then I could give everyone the middle finger as I fly past them on my way home from work.
   Cure-all or Youth Drug/Pill/Syrum/Whatever - Surely by now people should have figured out a way to cure all diseases or let us live forever, right?  It's very hard to believe that we can send a man to the moon but we can't figure out a way to isolate and kill cancer cells, or create a drug that permanently stops wrinkles from developing.  Picture a world without disease, where everyone looked like they were in their 20s and never got old or died.  I don't know about you, but I can't think of a worse world to live in.  This might sound cruel, but all these diseases and aging and stuff... it's nature's population control.  Humanity is already putting a crazy strain on this world just by living as long as we do now... can you imagine if people lived twice as long, or forever?  There's no way we could sustain ourselves on this planet.  On top of population control, the American Economy makes a shitload of money from people buying cosmetics to keep them looking younger and drugs to keep them from dying a horrible painful death.  If they invented a permanent Botox, for example, then all the cosmetics companies who make anti-aging cream would go out of business.  If they figured out a way to keep bones from breaking, all the radiologists and doctors and nurses and cast people would be out of work.  I don't like people dying any more than any of you do, but it's a necessary part of life and it's something that needs to happen regardless of what kind of incredible scientific advances we make.
   Killer Robot Apocolypse - "The Terminator" was a pretty sweet movie.  The idea that, at some point in the future, computers become self-aware and decide to take out their inferior creators... I mean that's just genius.  And frighteningly, totally believable.  So assuming you survived "Judgement Day," you would at least get to see some pretty awesome shit before the indestructible walking skeleton robots came to harvest your body... right?  Sadly, probably not.  In all likelihood, a real "Judgement Day" would look nothing like Arnold Schwarzenegger with a shotgun.  It's much more likely to be something of a mix between "The Matrix" and the "grey goo theory."  It wouldn't be pleasant, and it would happen so fast and with such a finality that most of us would have no idea what hit us until it's way, way too late and we're really, really dead.
   So I hate to burst all your bubbles with this stuff, but the 80s and 90s envisioning of the future actually sucks pretty hard.  We can still hope, I guess, that something like Star Trek will come true and we'll actually get to travel to different planets and stuff somewhere down the line... though even that has a pretty serious downside (imagine pissing off a superior alien race who then comes to earth and wrecks us?).  Really when you think about it, there's nothing to look forward to at all.

Temporarily Stairs
   I have something very serious to tell you about.  It's a warning that could save your life or the life of one of your loved ones.  Of course, I'm talking about the hidden danger of escalators.
   This is serious.  Well, at least as serious as you can take the "CBS Early Show."  They actually did a story about how the number of injuries on escalators is rising.  Now before I rant about how stupid this is, let me get this on the table: I actually had a pretty serious encounter with an escalator one time.  Actually, it was a moving sidewalk.  It was at the Dallas airport and I was about 10 years old.  Our flight was delayed for a few hours, and it was the middle of the night so the airport was completely empty.  I wasted time by laying on moving sidewalks and looking up at the ceiling.  I had a visual cue on the ceiling to let me know when to get up so I didn't hit the end of the sidewalk, but one time when I tried to stand up I couldn't.  I quickly discovered that one of the shoestrings on my sweat-jacket had gotten caught in the end of the sidewalk.  I pulled and pulled and actually got kinda scared there for a second, but eventually the string broke and I was free.
   That was pretty stupid of me to do, I agree, but it also illustrates my point of just how stupid this story is.  The only way someone can get hurt on an escalator is by not using it correctly, doing something stupid on it, or just being a fool to begin with.  Escalators are slow moving, they don't do anything out of the ordinary, and all you have to do is step on it and stand still until you reach the end, then step off and continue on your way.
   I guess I shouldn't be surprised that people have found some way to hurt themselves on these machines.  What's even better, I'm sure (since I certainly didn't read the article) they blame the escalators for these injuries!  Forget human error, somehow that evil escalator did it!  Forget that you're too fat to fit on an escalator, because it was too narrow you got burns on your stomach from it rubbing along the railing.  Forget that you shouldn't run up the down escalator, because it has sharp edges you fell and busted your ass.  Forget that you weren't paying attention (probly yapping on your cell phone), because the escalator moves so fast, you weren't able to step off without twisting your ankle and hopefully falling down like the assbag you are.
   I've seen a lot of stupid things in my day, but escalators aren't one of them.  People are, however, and I'm sure the guy who invented escalators (just like the guy who invented toasters, the guy who invented sliding doors, and the guy who invented fire extinguishers) is rolling over in his grave.

Medication of the Week
   Are you depressed?  Some days do you feel like less of a person and more like a weird approximation of yourself but as a wind-up doll?  Then fear not, there's a drug out there just for you!  And it's called Pristiq.
   Depression is a serious deal, I'm not denying that.  But depression drugs are also pretty serious... I've seen the side effects myself.  They're not something to be taken lightly, which is precisely why these anti-depressant commercials piss me off.  Have a bad day?  Take this pill!  Hate your job?  Take this pill!  Looking for something to get addicted to?  TAKE THIS PILL!  The fact that these pharmaceutical companies are so soulless that they'll throw around anti-depressants like candy is... well, it's just sick.
   And so is this commerical.  First of all, super closeup?  Not needed, thanks.  Then we go right to the creepy wind-up doll.  Who made that thing?  Is there a company out there that builds replica wind-up dolls?  Is there a replica wind-up doll of you or me out there?  Maybe walking around on some kiosk at a mall somewhere?  Scary thought.  It's also scary that this lady thinks of herself as a wind-up doll.  Maybe she needs to drop the anti-depressants and get on some anti-crazy meds instead.  I love how the music is all happy too, kind of like the scariest horror movie ever.
   The first side effect is my favorite: if depression gets worse, talk to your doctor.  Wait, isn't this an anti-depressant?  So you're telling me there's a decent chance it will do the exact opposuite from what it's meant to do?  Sounds like you may need to do some more research on this one fellas.  There should be another side effect on here: if you see a wind-up doll of yourself, get off that shit IMMEDIATELY.  And just listen to the rest of them... this Pristiq will most likely kill you or at least shorten your life... but hey, you'll be happy in the time you have left!
   I think all medications are overprescribed right now, but I have to admit anti-depressants make me even angrier than usual.  Maybe it's because depression is such a serious deal that it's insulting to just act like another Tylenol will fix the problem.  Maybe it's because I've seen the effects of depression on people that I love, and so I know it takes more than some little pill to really fix the problem.  Or maybe that's it, I know that a pill might make you forget your depressed for a little while, but (in most cases) depression is more than just a chemical imbalance.  You need to find the strength to overcome it once and for all, even if it means getting help.  But don't get dependant on these pills... they might make you happy to be alive, but they're killing you in the process, and that just don't make no sense.

   Sorry to end on a downer like that.  Hey here's something to cheer you up!  You've heard of Chatroullete?  It's ridiculous... people basically sit in front of their computers all day and they get matched up with random other people (also with nothing better to do), and they chat.  When they get bored or grossed out or whatever, they move on.  During the time they're together, the people can do anything.  They can type, talk, show their butt, anything goes.  Sounds like good, wholesome, family fun, right?
   Actually it's a great way to see the scum of the earth.  But I will say this: there are a few people out there doing it right... entertaining the masses of lonely, lame bastards out there who have nothing better to do than sit on their computer with their wang out all day.  These entertainers, like this guy Merton, are kind enough to put their work on youtube, and it's actually quite funny.  Glad to see there are at least a few decent people left on the interwebz...

YeeHawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

   Well, I didn't think it was gonna happen this year, but thanks to my good friend Tiffiny, I got to check out the rodeo this year.  If you've never been to the Houston rodeo, it's one of those things you just have to do.  Even if you don't like animals or the rodeo or carnivals or whatever, it's just impressive to see how far those people go.  From the cookoff (which is an absolute madhouse) to the rodeo itself, it's definitely a site to behold.
   This trip wasn't the full-on day long visit that I usually try to do... I like to check out the animals, see what kind of crazy western stuff they're selling (anyone need a saddle?  They got 'em), and eat a turkey leg or something from the carnival (dining roullete).  Still, we had chute seats, which means you're right up on the action (like literally sitting in a foldout chair in the dirt during the concert), which were pretty awesome.  If you ever get those, a few things to consider: you don't need to eat beforehand becaus they have free food (I recommend the taquitos).  They also have free ice cream (I discovered this very late, but I still managed to eat two drumsticks before they closed it down).  You should try to go to the bathroom before they call you down to the dirt, because it's definitely a long run back up.  Also, if you can, bring a couple of drinks with you to the dirt, and try to keep the lids (there's a lot of dirt flying around down there, gotta keep it clean folks).
   We saw Gary Allan, and while I have no idea who that guy is, I liked his music alright.  And it was also pretty awesome to actually be sitting on the floor at Reliant Stadium.  I tried to picture how it would be during a Texans game, to be a football player out there in the middle of the field (we were seated at about the 40 yard line), looking up and seeing thousands of people watching you wreck people.  How awesome would that be?  Pretty awesome.

You Might Want to Skip This Part...
   I'm sorry guys but I have to get on a soap box for a minute.  Last entry I talked some about how schools are basically wrecking kids for America, but the reality is that there's a lot more going into it than just that.  This might sound apocolyptic or over the top or whatever, but we really are witnessing the downfall of our country.  Seriously.  And that downfall can be attributed to the same thing that was behind the downfall of the worlds only other Superpower: The Soviet Union.  And that downfall can be traced to one word:  Socialism.
   Consider this: America runs on capitalism... yet America is already a good part Socialist.  Before you shrug this off, hear me out.  You hear a lot of "socialist this and that" thrown around right now, I understand that, but it really is happening.  Before we go into detail, let's make sure we're in the right mindset.  When this country was founded, the idea was that the federal government hold very little responsibility.  Maintain an army to protect our borders.  Keep things like highways in good repair and running smoothly.  Hold a few standard laws that carry across the nation.  You get the idea.  The bulk of the specific laws, taxes, etc were to be handled by state governments, which is much easier.  Now of course, the federal government is going to have to grow and change as our country grows and changes, but starting with the Great Depression, our government moved into a whole new world where it just doesn't belong.
   During the depression, the government came up with the idea that to spur the economy, we'll help those in need by throwing some money their direction.  Sure it inflates the dollar a little, but these are hard working honest people, and if we just give them money to spend, they'll spend it.  That should kickstart the economy.  That, with a little help from World War 2, did the trick.  But welfare, which should have ended at that point, stuck around.  Why?  Because people liked it.  It was nice to have that cushion... if you lost your job or fell on hard times, you had a safety net to help get you back on your feet.  Great in concept, but when you factor in human nature, of course it's going to get taken advantage of... and that's just what's happened over the years, culminating in this whole Healthcare mess we're dealing with right now.  But let's set healthcare aside for the moment and go back to the beginning elements:
   Welfare - This is perhaps the biggest socialist move our country ever made.  I'm including any kind of benefit here, like disability or unemployment or even Social Security.  Anything that runs on the idea that those who have stumbled onto hard times deserve a handout from the government.  Like I said before, this safety net sounds great on paper, but the problem is that with Welfare there's no incentive for anyone to return to work.  Just look at "The Dude," a perfect example of someone completely taking advantage of the system.  He makes enough to live on, so he says why should I have to go back to work?  And why should he?  The problem here of course is that we (the people who DO work) are paying for him to be a lazy ass.  That's socialism, and it's not right.  And you ever wonder why poor people or the unemployed often have so many kids?  It's probably because having more kids earns you more money from the government.  I'm sorry for those kids, but that is completely counterintuitive.  The solution?  Put people on TEMPORARY unemployment.  Give them enough to live on for a month, but then cut them off (or at least taper off their benefits).  The goal here is that when you get laid off, you know you have a month to get a new job or else you're gonna be in trouble.  Also, don't provide any more money for families who have children after they've filed for unemployment.  This hurts the kids, who are innocent I agree, but you've got to hope that parents are smart enough to know that when they don't have jobs, they shouldn't be popping out kids.  Finally, get rid of Social Security.  We should not be paying for people to live past retirement.  I think this is the last generation of retirees who deserve unemployment.  They worked hard their entire lives under this system, good for them.  But end it soon, because there's no way (with people living longer and retiring earlier) that we can keep supporting them with this system.  Instead, privatize it.  Set up government 401Ks for anyone who wants to plan for retirement.  Let me pay into my own retirement fund, and then when I'm retired I can live off of what I set aside.  It's my responsibility to make sure me and mine are taken care of.  That responsibility should not fall on anyone else.
   Affirmative Action - I can see where Affirmative Action might have been good, but it needs to stop.  For those of you who don't know what Affirmative Action is, it basically states that companies must hire on an equal basis.  For x number of white employees, there has to be y number of black employees.  For x number of men, there has to be y number of women.  Etc.  Now, back in the old days when there was a lot of discrimination among races and genders, I think this would have been a fantastic law to enact.  But, if you take a snapshot of America's workforce, you see that a lot of that has gone away.  There are plenty of minority and female managers, bosses, ceos, etc, and those numbers are growing.  It's time for America to go back to a "hire based on qualification" system.  Why should I be passed up for a job I'm more qualified for, simply because I'm white or because I'm a man?  Why should a company have to sell itself short just to meet some government quota?  It doesn't make sense, it hampers our economy, and it's socialism in action.
   Income Tax - This is a big one.  Income tax should not be taken away by the federal government.  You work for your money, you should be entitled to every cent of it.  The problem here is that the government depends pretty heavily on your income tax.  The way it's set up right now, the richer you are, the more you pay.  While I personally agree with that, I disagree with how that money is spent.  This is again where the state government comes into play.  The money you earn should wind up helping you, since that's what government's here to do anyway, right?  It shouldn't go to people who don't want to work, it shouldn't go to those who haven't worked as hard as you have to get where you are, and it certainly shouldn't go to a state on the other side of the country from you.  If you're going to do an income tax, it should stay in your city, or at least your state.  The federal government shouldn't have the job of reallocating that money or doing anything with it, but again, it's something they depend on pretty heavily.  Consider how your money is being spent, though.  Ever seen the movie "Dave?"  They did a good job of illustrating just how much money the government wastes on things like PSA ad campaigns and overpaid employees who live a rich life doing almost no work.  There's just no reason the government should be hiring a hollywood production company to do its ad work, and there's no reason a dude whose job it is to survey government buildings should be living in a mansion.
   Policing the World - The US Military has bases all over the world.  Japan, Germany, Poland, Canada, Iraq, the list goes on.  Why?  What business do our soldiers have in other countries?  Can you imagine what would happen if Germany decided they wanted to open a military base on American soil?  It'd be the end of the world!  There's no way America is going to allow anyone to touch us, so what gives us the right to mess with them?  I can understand after World War 2 maybe setting up a TEMPORARY base in Japan and Germany, just to make sure they're not screwing around.  I can understand setting up European bases during the Cold War to make sure the Soviets don't get any ideas.  I can understand setting up a base in Iraq while we're helping them rebuild.  But these are all war or post-war bases.  I don't think Germany's going to attack us, and I don't think Japan's planning building a new empire... it's time for those soldiers to come home.  The benefit here is that by putting our hands into everyone else's cookie jars, we gain leverage.  As long as we're in Iraq, they're going to depend on us to help them, which in turn means we can ask for discounts on their oil and other exports.  Before you know it, they're barely surviving and we're reaping the benefits.  We're like the mafia of the world... we come to your shop (country), break stuff (crush your government), then fix it but on our terms (we get to keep a military presence forever).  If you pay up (give us discounts on your goods) then we'll "protect you," when the reality is we're only protecting you from ourselves.  It's no wonder the people in Afghanistan and Iraq hate us... we're like big bullies.  I don't want to get into an argument about 9/11 here, but I honestly believe if we hadn't been meddling in their business (or helping Israel to do just that) then they might not have gotten angry enough to go nuts and kill a bunch of civillians.  It's too late to ever know if that's true now, but while we're still in the middle east, we need to get out of Germany, Japan, etc and bring our troops home.  You want to secure our borders?  Put those troops down there.  There are so many extra troops we could bring home, we could put one every 50 feet and have complete, solid border protection.
   Government entering the private sector - The government (federal, state, whatever) should never EVER be involved in the private business of America.  This should be as strong or stronger than the separation of Church and State.  It is not government's job to decide which companies should live and which ones don't need to be saved.  Case in point: the GM and bank bailouts.  The government paid out the nose to keep companies like AIG and Chrysler alive, when these companies should have been destroyed.  That's capitalism at work, people.  The companies which provide a better product at a better price, and work on an honest and true system, will survive and thrive.  Those that don't, won't.  Or shouldn't.  Instead, the government has stepped in and used YOUR money to put a bandaid on these failing companies.  Would you ever buy a GM?  If you said no, you should be aware that you just bought one for someone else, because your money is what's keeping those cars on the road right now.  What's really sad is that those companies will still eventually fail, eventually the government will not be able to give them any more money, and because of their stupid practices and miserable products, they'll go under eventually.  Those jobs will still be lost, and the only difference will be that your tax dollars were wasted trying to keep them afloat.  Incidentally, if the government were to take the amount of money they gave to Chrysler, GM, AIG, etc, and instead split it up evenly among all Americans, we'd all be rich!  You want to really kick start the economy?  Put the money in OUR hands... let US decide which companies should live and which ones should die.  THAT'S how capitalism works.
   Now, capitalism does have a dark side, and I think we've all seen plenty of that with these executives giving themselves bonuses while their companies wither and die.  A perfect example of how capitalism can get nasty is with the insurance companies.  You pay insurance companies a premium for 20 years, then your house burns down.  Sure insurance covers it, but then they either jack up your rate or drop you altogether.  Then other insurance companies will turn you away because you're not a "smart investment."  Insurance companies have huge profit margins, and they're an industry that shouldn't have hardly any.  You pay them to protect you, yet when you need them, you're screwed.  That doesn't make sense... they completely contradict their sole purpose.  Government, if it's going to get involved in this stuff at all, should only be there to make sure that corporations aren't taking advantage of you, the little guy.  You don't solve this by forcing every person to have insurance.  This gives all the power to the insurance companies.  If people don't want to have insurance, they shouldn't have to have it.  Though (especially in the case of driver's insurance) they should then be held responsible when there's an accident.  There shouldn't be any handouts for them, they made their choice, now they have to live with it.  You also don't solve this by having the government take over those same insurance companies.  And that's exactly what's going on with healthcare.
   Universal Healthcare (which really should be called Socialized Healthcare) might sound nice on paper: everyone gets insured, medical bills drop considerably, everyone wins... but in reality it's opening the door for huge problems.  You've heard about long lines at emergency rooms, medication shortages, etc... but all of that is already happening under the current system.  You've also heard about the financial nightmare that will come from socializing healthcare... I work hard to make my money, and I get good insurance because of that.  Why does Jimmy, who works at a fast food chain and has no aspirations to do anything else with his life, deserve that same level of care?  And what's more, why should I have to pay so that he gets that level of care?  That doesn't make sense, why should I bust my ass to help those who won't do the same?  But what really scares me about socialized medicine is that down the road, the insurance companies will go away, and you'll be in the government's pocket for medical expenses.  Those "death panels" everyone freaks out about?  That's a reality.  The government could potentially set an age limit for how long they'll take care of you, and after that you're not worth it.  They can also set rules like everyone must take "x" medication or else you won't be treated anymore.  Sure insurance companies can set those kinds of limitations now, but because of capitalism you have a choice to go to another insurance provider or take it on without insurance altogether.  When the government is in control, you have nowhere else to go.  It's their way or the highway.  Now the government promises this transition to universal healthcare will be slow and gradual, but you better never forget that it would be a transition.  Your right to explore your options, to get a second opinion, to go in for elective surgery, etc... it's all going to be taken away and put into the government's hands.
   Now, I'm not asking you to vote Libertarian (even though that's what I'm preaching here... read about it if you like).  I'm not asking you to do anything except consider what I've brought up here.  Do some research on your own... don't listen to me, or Brit Hume, or Wolf Blitzer, or Sean Hannity, or Rush Limbaugh, or Anderson Cooper... listen to yourself.  Look up what this healthcare bill really means for YOU, and then make your decision.  Think about where your money's going (did you get an income tax return?  Congrats, it's not even half of what you SHOULD have gotten) and decide whether that's something you really agree with or not.  I for one believe that now is the time when we tell the government enough is enough.  They've gotten too big for their own britches, and it's time for them to go back to what they're supposed to do: protect us from invasion, make sure the highways stay pretty, and otherwise leave us the hell alone.  Alright that's enough...

Adventureland
   College graduate guy discovers the only way he's going to get into the grad school he wants is to stay home for the summer and get a job.  But because he's a loser and hasn't had to work a day in his life, he sucks at looking for work and no one wants to hire him.  Eventually he breaks down and gets a job at Adventureland, the local theme park and the one job he never, ever wants to have.  However, while he's there he meets great new friends and a girl he likes, and now we've got ourselves a movie.
   When the credits rolled on "Adventureland," I felt tricked.  It was a good movie, but it wasn't the comedy that the trailers suggested.  I saw Bill Hader and Ryan Reynolds telling jokes, acting stupid, and being slap-stick-y... but the movie's atmosphere is completely different.  Think of it like a "Nick and Norah" meets "Superbad," set in the 80s.  Good call on setting it in the 80s, by the way.  Great music, great hair, and people acting stupid.  Works for the timeframe.  The thing about this movie is that it's actually pretty serious.  Sure there's some subdued humor, but we're tackling some very grown-up after school special issues here.  I will say that it was believable, and all the characters made sense in a real-life situation... but it just wasn't what I expected.
   If you've ever had a shitty job where you made great friends, then you will definitely appreciate this movie.  You'll relate to the characters who are all so miserable that they cling to each other, even if in a normal setting they might not.  You'll have a few laughs and you might even feel bad for a few people, but if you're going to watch it don't go in expecting a comedy.  This movie is much more and much less than that.  OOOOOH DEEP!

   Alright folks, Houston Cougars are in March Madness... I'm sure you'll all be watching that.  Go Coogs.  Talk to you later...

Hot and Sticky

   Ahh Spring... the time of year when flowers bloom, trees grow new leaves, and the gentle sound of crickets fill the night.  At least, that's how it is for most of the country.  Here in Houston it's flowers wilting, trees trying to figure out what happened to winter, and the unstoppable buzzing of mosquitos looking for skin to feast on and fill with Malaria/West Nile.
   This is also the time of year when we get a nice little preview of what's to come... Summer.  I have to admit, this past winter things did get a little chilly, to the point where I was like "alright enough..." but never NEVER did I reach a point where I uttered those words that I've heard way too many times this year: "Man I can't wait for Summer."
   Are you kidding me?  You would prefer a Houston Summer over this past winter?  Sure it got cold a few times, but it didn't get as cold as it will get hot in about a month's time!  Last winter should be looked at as a blessing, not something that needs to end quickly.  I can't wait until June, when I can go around to all these same people who were begging for summer... I'll find them sweating their asses off, most likely complaining about how hot it is, and I'll say "I hope you're happy, I hope you're enjoying yourselves, since this is what you wanted and couldn't wait for."  Morons.

The Square Root of All Our Problems
   The country's a mess, the economy is clawing its way out of the dumper, and the rest of the world is chomping at the bit for the downfall of the last-remaining superpower in the world.  Things aren't looking too hot for America right now, but who is really to blame?  Where did these problems come from?  Well, I learned what I think is the best answer the other day when I was talking to a teacher friend of mine.  The sad truth and what I believe to be the root of all of these problems we're facing right now can be found in our schools.
   This starts from early childhood and expands all the way through adulthood.  When I was in elementary school, every day was a war.  There were bullies you had to face, big kids throwing things at you in gym class, and other guys stealing your girlfriend on the playground.  It was tough, but it taught me a lot about how the real world operates.  It taught me you have to fight for everything you want, and you have to fight to keep the things you have.  Look at elementary schools now: kids are taught from the very beginning that competition is bad, that individuality gets you nowhere, and that you should never have to fight for anything.
   Then what happens when these kids grow up?  You get a bunch of corporate office drones singing Kumbaya when they should be fighting to drive their business up and save this country's economy.  I saw an awesome news promo the other day, and the very last line of the spot said "WHO'S LOOKING OUT FOR YOU?"  Newsflash people.  Nobody's looking out for you.  And no one should be, either.  This spot was aimed at the government, and the government of all people should not be looking out for anyone.  You may not remember this, and you may not agree with it, but the government's job is to keep our roads clean and our country safe from invasion.  You wanna know when things start getting screwed up?  When the government pokes around in stuff it has no business being in.  But more on that in a minute, I'm talking about the schools here.
   So here are these young kids who have the mentality that they shouldn't have to work for anything, and everything should just be there for their taking and convenience.  Now I've only heard this, but it should make you want to throw up.  These same kids are allowed to pass classes that they actually fail.  Blame the system (schools having to maintain a certain level of passing students to keep their funding).  Blame the students (for not giving a crap).  Blame whoever you want... this is a serious problem and it needs to be fixed.  Before you know it, you've got kids in Middle School who can barely read and can't do math.  They graduate high school with a rudimentary understanding of the basics, much less a knowledge of how the real world operates, and it's no wonder they can't compete in a capitalistic society.
   You realize where this is going, right?  Communism.  Hear me out.  Our kids are taught that the less they know, the better off they are.  They're taught that everything will be catered to them, and that the harder you work, the less is taken care of for you.  They're taught that the all-powerful American Government will come to the rescue, whether it means giving them money for doing nothing or providing healthcare paid for by those of us who actually work for a living.  What they're being taught is all wrong, and until we get that taken care of, we're never going to get back to where we should be (on top of the world).

America Shrugged
   So I finally finished "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand.  That was the longest book I've ever read.  Seriously I think it's longer than the Bible.  Say what you will about Rand, I mean I think we all know she was a little bit nuts... but the points that she brings up in this book really hit home, especially right now.
   The basic concept behind "Atlas Shrugged" is that government continues to grow to a point where it starts to regulate business, basically kick-starting a communistic society.  In response, the executives and hard-working people of that world fire back, and you (the read) are subjected to more than a thousand pages of watching America fall to pieces.  Sure this book is over the top, and sure you'd be hard pressed to find an executive these days who can think beyond his/her own personal needs, but you have to consider that what Rand is saying does make sense.
   Think back to that whole diddy on schools up there.  Now think about what drives the American economy: competition.  The whole idea of capitalism is that anyone who has a desire to work hard can achieve greatness.  All you have to do is figure out how to make a new product, or improve upon an existing product, or charge less for the same product, and you're set.  At no point did our founding fathers, or their children, or their grandchildren, or really anyone in government up until the Great Depression, have anything to do with business or welfare or social security or any of that nonsense.  Then they started holding our hands, and everything changed.
   Name me one communistic society that works.  Go on... nothing? The only ones that even get any attention anymore or China and Cuba, and you've seen what great shape both of those countries are in.  Sure, China has some rich people and they have a sort of quasi-capitlalistic economy, but have you seen how the majority of people live in China?  The only thing that keeps that country going is that the government says "so what?" and no one on the planet can stand up to them.  There's no way Americans would accept that standard of living, but if we keep doing what we're doing then that's where we're headed.  Mark my words.
   It all comes down to that simple phrase: "You can't have your cake and eat it too."  If you want a government that takes care of everything, you're going to have to sacrifice your freedoms.  You want a government that provides healthcare for everyone?  Well be prepared to pay for everyone who makes less than you.  You want a government that keeps businesses that should go under afloat?  Well be prepared for shitty products that flood the marketplace because there's no competition to improve upon it or drive it out.  We're basically digging our own graves.
   I'll say this and then I'll stop on this whole high-horse, I promise.  Rand is right about a lot of stuff, but there has to be a middle ground here.  We've all seen the dark side of capitalism: when Houston broke up its regulated power supplier (HL&P), the idea was to have several companies competing and driving prices down.  Instead those prices have skyrocketed, and now I'm paying more for electricity than I ever have in any other state in this country.  Look at the bank executifves, or Bernie Madoff... these asshole execs who will sit and watch their companies go under, costing thousands of people their jobs, while they give themselves bonus after bonus.  Government should definitely play some kind of protective role in these situations.  But what government shouldn't be doing is dictating which companies stay open and which ones close.  Punish the executive who gives himself a bonus, but don't keep the company afloat that makes an inferior product.  Keep the insurance companies from tearing us a new one and profiting off our misfortunes, but don't dictate who gets what level of healthcare.  You get the picture.  It can't be that hard... there's got to be a way to make government do what it's meant to do... right?  If not we're all screwed.

Medication of the Week
   Do you like sleeping at night?  Do you like hallucinating and seeing weird trippy shit?  Then Lunesta is for you!  This incredibly ridiculous sleep aid makes this week's Medication of the week simply for it's incredible commercials.  They're basically admitting right off the bat that you're going to see some weird stuff if you take these pills... like a damn butterfly tucking you in at night.  Awesome!  I love how they picture the butterfly like some creepy, bioluminescent Tooth Fairy, silently flying from house to house making sure that everyone's peacefully asleep... because by god if you're not, there's going to be trouble.
   "Of course," the spot says, talk to your doctor before using Lunesta for extended periods.  Why?  Does the butterfly become real?  I once saw a movie where the Tooth Fairy came to life and killed people... that was some creepy shit.  And now this butterfly is going to get angry if I take Lunesta without talking to my doctor?  Thanks, but no thanks.  Side effects include sour taste, which is also known as morning breath, right?  Is it worse than morning breath?  I don't know if I could handle that.  And don't operate any machinery or else you might squish the butterfly... or kill someone.
   These sleep aids are my favorite type of medicine because you just have no idea what they're going to do to you until it's too late.  Do you have an awesome Lunesta story?  Share it here!

I'd like to Not Thank The Academy
   The Oscars suck.  I don't care what you say, I don't care how into movies I am or how big a film buff you think you are, the Oscars are the biggest waste of several hours of your life that you'll ever experience.  Except maybe for watching the "E" channel or "Entertainment Tonight."  Let's set aside the fact that celebrities are WAY too famous, or that people can't seem to move on with their own lives without knowing everything about someone else's life.  Let's just talk about the show itself, and how pathetic you all are for watching it.
   First off, it's all about actors, who (for the most part) are the most ridiculous people on the planet.  Actors are admired more than politicians, more than astronauts, more than scientists... you probably don't know the name of the guy who invented the cell phone you use every day, but you know exactly how to tweet about that jackass from "Twilight" who took a picture with his shirt off.  Before the show we're "treated" to an hour of actors standing around in their ridiculously expensive, ridiculously unwearable dresses, and we're subjected to announcers talking about who has the biggest drug habit (forget that they're illegal, when you're an actor they're COOL!).
   Then the show begins.  I'm sure it's funny, they always get funny people to host these things, and at its core the idea of an awards ceremony for the people who work so hard on films makes sense.  But unfortunately, it's ruined by those same actors who were standing outside for the past hour.  The first mistake is that they get to weigh in on voting for the awards.  These actors, most of whom flunked out or didn't finish school, are now determining who worked harder than anyone and who makes the best movies.  And then there's the politics... the fact that movies so amazing and forward-seeking (like "Avatar" or "Transformers") will be shunned and overshadowed by some movie with a political message... well, that's just ridiculous. 
   James Cameron, why do you even bother showing up for these things?  You should make a statement, which is that the REAL reward for your work is how many people go to your movie and how much money you make.  Screw these idiots who spend hours posturing and playing out their political agendas for the masses.  It really is sad that we've gotten to a point where celebrities control us, it's a classic example of the stupid leading the smart, like a bunch of lemmings right off a cliff.

Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side
   The cast of "Family Guy" embarks on the story of "The Empire Strikes Back," with characters from the Family Guy series filling in the roles of the different actors in the classic Star Wars Sequel.
   I love Family Guy, and I love Star Wars, and I guess all things considered, this is a pretty good pairing.  I saw the "New Hope" spoof that Family Guy did and it was pretty good.  I thought it was a one-off kinda thing, but I see they somehow got the licensing for another one.  In "Darkside," they obviously had a lot more money and time, but in the end it comes across feeling forced and not nearly as funny as the "New Hope" episode or any of their TV episodes, really.
   Did you see when McFarlane did the "almost live comedy show" or whatever?  It was him and the rest of the crew who do voices for Family Guy, singing and dancing and telling jokes.  It was not funny, and don't tell me you thought it was because I won't be your friend anymore.  I'm using this to prove my point, which is that McFarlane and crew are full of comedic genius, but their execution is very hit and miss.
   Look back at the history of Family Guy.  The first few episodes were hilarious.  Then there was a very obvious slump, even to the point where every show had some sort of family values lesson at the end.  Then they got back on track and really hit their stride towards the end of their exclusive run on Cartoon Network.  Then Fox picked them up, and while the shows were still funny, they lacked something that they had before.  Then McFarlane started branching out, creating horrible terrible shows "American Dad" and "The Cleveland Show."  These shows are painful to watch, and what little funny jokes there are are taken away from "Family Guy," which in turn hurts THAT show and lowers the overall quality of the project.  Whew.
   The point is, "Darkside" is one of those forced and ultimately not that funny attempts from McFarlane.  It's "uncensored," which basically means Stewie cusses.  Believe it or not, Stewie cussing isn't as funny as when they bleep him out.  There are a lot of jokes and gags, but while those work in a fast-paced 30-minute show, they linger too long and get stale in the movie format.  It's funny, sure, but it's not worth paying money to see.  Don't even bother with Netflix... just set your DVR and catch it when it inevitably airs on Cartoon Network some night.  It'll probly be funnier censored anyway.

We Are Marshall
   Based on a true story, this movie follows the tragic loss of Marshall's football team in a plane crash back in the early 70s, and the attempt by that school to get their athletic program back on track (and save the surrounding city in the process).
   I tried to not like this movie.  I was sour from the start.  Matthew Mc-what's his face?  Seriously?  How does that guy keep getting roles?  Well, he does, and while his acting was still pretty difficult to watch, I couldn't help but enjoy myself.  The story was told well without getting preachy, the acting was good for the most part, and the football was actually entertaining.  There were some huge hits that looked like they really hurt, which you just don't see a lot of in football movies these days.
   What surprised me about this movie was first that I was able to sit through the whole thing without vomiting once (Mc-Douchaehey has that effect on me).  The second surprise came when I saw that it's directed by McG, who also did "Terminator: Salvation."  I'm not going to get into another argument about that movie (it was awesome), but I will say that it was impressive how McG was able to put together a touching film like this and then follow it up with machines who want to rip your arms off.
   I wish wish wish they hadn't casted Mc-Assbag to star in this movie.  ANYONE else would have been better.  Keanu Reeves!  Nicholas Cage!  Somebody!  If it had been someone else, I would gladly sit here and recommend this movie.  Maybe you love Mc-Can't Act To Save His Life (don't tell me because, again, I couldn't be your friend anymore)... if so you're gonna love this movie.  Otherwise, prepare to hold your breath through those parts and wait for some sweet football action and a story that you'll remember.

   Wow these things are getting longer and longer every week (that's what she said).  How many of you made it all the way to the end here?  Not many I'd be willing to bet.  I gotta get this length thing under control, there's just too much important crap to talk about.  Well, for those of you who did make it this far, here's a treat from me to you: our best scientific minds at work!  Until next time...

That Don't Make No Census

   For those of you who are uninformed, the census is a pretty big deal.  The census is how the American Government counts the population of each state, which is directly related to how much federal money those states receive.  This is a good thing, since the federal money is really your money (hello taxes) and the more of it we get back the better.  The problem is there's a lot of concern that people will try to hide from the census, mostly hispanics with relatives who are illegal immigrants (or illegal immigrants themselves). 
   I guess I can see their point, but really the census is pretty harmless (or at least that's what they tell us).  It's supposed to get a headcount, that's it.  No social security numbers, no residential status checked, etc.  Still, the government has produced a series of commercials to get the message out.  They're helmed by the great crew who made the classic mockumentaries "Spinal Tap," "Waiting for Guffman," etc, and this, sadly, is the worst mistake the government could have made.
   While I'm glad to see the Guffman guys working again, their style is completely counter-productive to what the government is trying to achieve.  I saw the first commercial of their campaign during the superbowl, and it gave me a headache.  Nothing but confusion and contradictory information for the full 30 seconds.  That kind of stuff works great for their movies, which are usually just a bunch of misunderstood people misunderstanding each other... but for this type of scenario, they're actually doing the exact opposite of what they set out to do.  It's hard to tell those commercials are even for the census, and when you finally get it, you have no idea what they're trying to convey.
   So, nice try government.  You were trying to be funny to get your message out, but you've failed.  The spots aren't even that funny, and their message is more confusing than a Lady Gaga music video.  I hate to see good actors/director/producer lose work, but I think the government needs to rethink this one.  Go straight with it... sure it'll be boring, but it will also be more effective.  And you can save the millions you're spending on hiring all these big name actors and instead give it to the states who you're supposed to be helping.


30 for 30
   Folks, I still haven't found anything better to watch in the mornings than the CBS Early Show.  Is there anything else on at that time?  Ah who am I kidding... if I didn't watch the Early Show I wouldn't have anything ridiculous to write about.  So I'm watching the other morning, when Maggie (who has crazy eyes... she does, check 'em out) gets all excited because their next guest is a dude who loves his wife so much, he watched 30 chick flicks with her in 30 days.
   My first thought is "douche."  My second thought is, this guy's working pretty hard to get laid.  But then they brought him out, and he seemed like a decent enough dude.  He said he enjoyed himself, and I think he was genuine.  If he wasn't, then he was doing a really good job of faking it.  Whatever the case may be, I salute this guy, because I can't for the life of me think of 30 good chick flicks.  I can't even think of 10.  The truth is, and ladies you'll disagree with me but it's true, that for every one good chick flick, there are about a billion bad ones.
   And so, for all you guys out there who's girlfriends/wives/hookers saw this story and was all like "Awww that's so sweet!  Why can't you be more like that?"  Tell them "Well I'm not gonna do 30, but I will do a few.  Only if I get something in return though." Then wink.  Then whip out the following chick flicks, which you should actually enjoy as well:
   Sleepless in Seattle - Everyone loves this movie.  Tom Hanks?  Classic.  Meg Ryan?  Classic.  The two of them together on screen is like fireworks.  Chicks like this movie because it's romantic, cheesy, and it's like a dream.  Dudes'll like this movie because Tom Hanks is awesome.  The way he interacts with his kid is great, and there's one scene where they talk about "The Dirty Dozen" that's just awesome.  It's old, so you've got to deal with that, but I think you'll enjoy this movie.
   Forget Paris - Billy Crystal and some chick meet in Paris and embark on the craziest relationship imagineable.  Now before you throw up (because I know how grating Billy Crystal can be), hear me out.  This movie is great for dudes because it actually has a lot of sports laughs in it.  Crystal is a basketball referee, and he's short, so you can imagine the shennanigans.  What really sells me on this movie is the way the story is told.  Everything is narrated in the past tense, complete with backtracks, jokes, interruptsions, etc.  It's really well done, and actually pretty enjoyable.
   City of Angels - Another "wonderful" actor, Nicholas Cage teams up with chick flick staple Meg Ryan for what winds up being kind of a downer of a movie.  What's good about this one though is the atmosphere around it.  Sure it's religious, so maybe you won't like that, and yeah it's kinda mushy, which the chicks will love, but it's definitely survivable for guys, and it tells a decent story.  Use this one to counter your significant other... when she whips out "The Notebook," and after you're done stabbing yourself, bring this movie out and say "let's give this one a try."  Your TV, your soul, and the world will thank you.
   The Money Pit - This one is awesome in so many ways I can't even name them all.  Tom Hanks buys a house that's falling apart, and he barely survives its renovation.  I can't give away more than that, all I can say is that if you haven't already seen this one, you need to go to WalMart and dig it out of the $5 bin asap.  The only downside to this movie is that you might have a hard time selling it as a chick flick, since it's more slapstick comedy than anything else.  But it has chicks.  It has a love affair.  Good luck.
   Love Actually - Whooo man this is a tough sell.  I'm actually a "Love Actually" convert.  I used to shun it like I shun peas, but after being tied down and forced to watch it, I actually kind of enjoyed it.  What dudes should look for in this movie is the male roles (minus Hugh Grant).  Focus on their acting and you'll be alright.  Liam Neeson is badass.  The guy who was Professor Snape is weird, but still a good performance.  Meh, even Hugh's not terrible.  Remember guys, this one's a last resort.  Only say you'll watch this one if she's locked herself in the bathroom with a copy of "The Notebook" and a box of kleenex and won't come out until you prove that you love her by watching that miserable pile of shit they called a movie.
   And no, I haven't seen it.  And no, I won't watch it.  I won't watch Titanic either.  You know why?  Leonardo DiCaprio's a douchebag.  But also because I just know... I JUST KNOW it's going to piss me off at the world.  That's the real problem with chick flicks isn't it?  They're not believable.  They're ridiculous.  They're like those novels you see in line at the grocery store, the ones with Fabio looking like a champ on the cover (probably selling butter or something).  Chicks like that stuff, just like us dudes like seeing shit blow up.
   That is the ultimate challenge.  Guys, you know you've found someone special when she's willing to go 1-for-1 with you.  One chick flick, one dude flick.  Hang on to her like your life depends on it.


The Presidential Habit -- or -- Medication of the Week
   Did you know Obama's a smoker?  Oh yeah, he's a dirty, evil smoker.  I'm surprised he was elected with such a filthy habit.  I mean think of the example he's setting for our children!  Of course this is ridiculous.  How many kids do you think really look up to the President?  Why don't you consider all the bad things rap stars and athletes do?  They set more of an example than any president I can remember.  And so what if Obama smokes?  Leave the guy alone, he's got a country to run.  Surely there are bigger problems than his smoking habit... right?  Like, the economy maybe?  I say if it helps him keep his cool and it doesn't start a nuclear war with Iran or anything, let the guy smoke all he wants.  Still, Obama's terrible, awful, filthy, badass habit has kicked off this weeks "Medication of the week."  This week, folks, we're focusing on "Chantix."
   Chantix claims it will help you kick your smoking habit.  So naturally, for the commercial they found some dude who used Chantix to quit smoking.  The best way to sell a product like this is with testimonials, right?  So he's out gardening, which I guess smokers can't do (fire hazard maybe?) with his wife, who is no doubt glad he stopped smelling like cigarette smoke.  Lovely, right?  Well, it does a nice job of covering up that more than half the friggin' spot is side effects!
   Check it out, before you're even a quarter of the way into this commercial, you're already getting hammered with some pretty crazy side effects.  Suicidal thoughts?  Vivid weird dreams?  Mood changes?  And this is supposed to be a cure?  This thing cause a lot more problems than the one it fixes, which actually brings me to my next point... in all likelihood, this thing could just be a placebo.  Think about it... it reduces the urge to smoke?  How?  Are you swallowing nicotine?  And most, if not all of the side effects they listed are the same exact side effects someone would feel if he were trying to quit smoking without taking anything at all.
   Two lessons to learn here: Chantix is pointless, and if it keeps him sane, I say let Obama smoke his lights out.


Strange Wilderness
   The son of a famous nature show host and his wacky group of friends try to carry on his late father's legacy.  The problem is, none of them have the talent or drive of his father, so their about to lose their show.  Suddenly they stumble upon what could be the greatest find ever, a find that would bring their ratings back and get their show back on the air: the legendary Bigfoot.  Of course, they have to go in search of this beast, and their competition (a bigger, more well-funded nature show) has a head start on them.  Oh, and they're all morons, so of course shennanigans ensue.
   This movie had so much potential.  This movie had the potential to be another "Out Cold," and that's why I rented it.  I thought "here's a movie that flew under the radar, but it's got some really funny people in it so it could be awesome."  Then I saw the killer logo before the movie even began.  This movie is a Happy-Madison production.  "Billy Madison" was a great movie.  "Happy Gilmore" was arguably even better.  But ever since then, I've never seen anything come out of this company that was better than "Meh," and unfortunately that's the best "Strange Wilderness" can muster.
   Don't get me wrong... there were several funny parts in this movie.  Some of them were hilarious (you had to be there).  There are a ton of funny people in this movie, the concept isn't great but it's good enough, and it even has a hot chick.  There's just no way this movie can go wrong, right?  Wrong.  I think.  Yeah, this movie was funny, but it fell just short of greatness.  For every genuinely funny part there was at least one completely useless dead zone with no laughs and nothing to push the story forward.  It's like the writers came in to work every day like "okay, I got a joke," and then after they finished their joke they were like "now what?" and they just kinda meandered until the next day, when they came in with one more great joke... rinse, repeat.
   This is the flaw that plagues all Happy-Madison productions.  Water Boy?  Meh.  Grandma's Boy?  Meh.  Mister Deeds?  I don't know if that was Happy Madison or not, but it was barely "meh."  Strange Wilderness might be worth a rent, if you've got nothing better to do or you actually like the overly-obvious humor and style of a Happy Madison production.  It'd be great if it instant-played on Netflix, because I could watch the funny parts again.  But this definitely isn't one you should go out of your way for.  I guess there's a reason movies like this don't get any publicity.  Except "Out Cold," that movie rocked.


Invincible
   A local Philadelphian and his group of friends are falling on hard times.  Their jobs are getting cut, there's no money anywhere, and their beloved Eagles just finished on of the worst seasons on record.  Luckily, they still have football.  They play football like their lives depend on it, and when the Eagles get a new coach who decides to hold open tryouts, one of the guys goes for it.  Will he make the team, or is he too old and too washed up?  Is heart alone enough to make the team?
   I'm guessing that last sentence or two were somewhere on the box for this movie.  Who knows.  Who writes those things anyway?  Well, "Invincible" is based on a true story.  Loosely based, I should say, because it shoots itself in the foot at the end (don't worry this won't ruin it).  They show real footage of the guy who Mark Wahlberg was playing, and (surprise!) Wahlberg looked and acted nothing like him.  This is another movie that falls just short of greatness, and its casting is its first problem.
   Mark Wahlberg isn't a "bad" actor, per-say, but he is a pretty 2-dimensional actor.  He's the same in all his roles.  Sometimes that works in his favor (like "The Big Hit" or "Shooter"), but sometimes, like this time, it definitely doesn't help.  Pair him up with a group of subpar actors (who nonetheless sport awesome mustaches) including the guy from Fringe, and then add the cherry on top in the form of a director who has no idea what he's actually sitting on.  Then wrap the whole thing up in a sappy Disney Bow and you've got "Invincible."
   What sucks here is that if this movie had been directed by someone who knew what potential they had, this could have been a gem.  The story itself is awesome, tough guys in tough times, one of them tries to achieve the impossible.  It's sort of like a "Cinderella Man" story.  Now THAT was a good movie... and who knows, maybe if you put that group (or at least that director) behind this movie, you would have turned out with something different.  Sadly, what you wind up with on this movie is a guy who's worse at playing a football player than Keanu Reeves(!), a story that wastes time on the boring parts and skips over the most interesting parts, even a forgettable soundtrack.
   I hate to say it, but this movie was a swing and a miss.  It was a nice try, and I'm not sure who needed to go or what needed to change to make this thing work like it should have, but the bottom line is that it didn't work like it should have.  It's an okay movie I guess, but you're not gonna see me pay just to sit there and watch Mark Wahlberg run in slow motion for 2 hours.  You gotta give us a little more than that.


   I leave you this week with a wonderful video MONTAGE of the best "fails" of 2009.  Enjoy.  See you next time...