Never Again (Until Next Year)

   I've eaten a lot in my day, but Christmas is by far the best/worst/most.  We do an Italian Christmas in our family, which any of you who've ever eaten my family's Italian food know, is very dangerous.  Lasagne.  Spinach Artichoke Dip.  Antipasto.  Cream Puffs.  Cafe.  All of these things (and more) went into my stomach.  The problem is, most of that stuff decided to stay there.
   I actually had to pull out my old-school pre-diet pants to wear to work this week, since my usual work pants just wouldn't fit.  I would think that's embarassing, but I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean who do you know that can grow their gut and waist by that much in just one week's time?  It's cool, I know.
   So I hope all of you had a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hannukah, or whatever it is you celebrate (or don't celebrate) this time of year.  And now it's time for the new year's resolutions.  Not that I need any, since I'm pretty awesome as-is.  But just so the rest of you chumps don't feel bad, here are a few of the things I may try to do in 2010:
   Lose This Weight - I figure the whole reason they created New Years was so that we would feel guilty about all the fat we put on during the holidays.  I also figure New Years Resolutions were invented by gyms, because any of you who work out regularly know that you might as well not even try the first few weeks of the year.  Every gym is packed with people who say "This year it's gonna be different!"  "This year I'm gonna stick to it and lose that weight!"  Good luck butterballs.  I don't even bother, I know I'm not going to stick to working out, so why even set myself up for the let down?  But I will lose this weight, one way or another.  I spent way too much money on those work pants for them to not fit anymore.
   Stop Getting So Angry at Stupid People - This is gonna be a hard one, especially since there are so many stupid people out there to constantly remind me how angry I get at them... but I'm going to try.  I think behind the wheel will prove to be the most difficult time following this resolution, since that's where stupid people's stupidity is amplified the most.  Take, for example, the other day, when some jackass in a little Honda was sitting in the far right lane at a red light (and at a freeway intersection).  When the light turned green, Mr. Retard decided he actually needed to turn left, so being the brilliant (and caring) driver that he was, he nonchalantely cut across 4 lanes of traffic to get into the turning lane and be on his merry way.  Forget that there were cars in all 4 of those lanes, cars who had to slam on their brakes because he was an idiot, and almost caused accidents all over the place.  Seriously, how hard would it have been to pull into a parking lot, make a U-Turn, and then try again?  Are you really that selfish?  Deep breaths.  Deeep breeatthhs.  This is not off to a good start.
   Try to be Not As Awesome: Who am I kidding?  Awesomeness is not something you do... it's something you are.  Write that one down, folks.
   Now, some of you may have some ideas for New Years Resolutions that you think I should try, but my final new years resolution is to ignore your suggestions.  So you might as well just keep them to yourself... or you can leave me a comment if you like... I'm always up for a good laugh.  Alright let's get down to business, I'm a busy man and I've got places to be.

Stupid Attack
   I think we all know the biggest news these past couple weeks has been this Nigerian terror ass who tried to blow up an airplane.  The most interesting thing to me is that now everyone's trying to point the finger.  Who's at fault for letting this guy get on a plane with an explosive device?  Who's to blame for the attack attempt that could have killed all those innocent people?  Can I make one suggestion?  STOP LOOKING AT THE PAST AND START LOOKING AT THE FUTURE.
   Look, it's obvious the security systems for air travel are broken.  But trying to patch the system that failed us on 9/11 is not the right answer.  Instead we should have started over from scratch with how we institute air security.  Fortunately, we can still do this today.  The metal detectors are nice, but they don't catch everything.  You tell us to stop carrying on liquids, so they use a powder.  Every single rule you make, they're going to find a way to fix it.  They will always be one step ahead because we're always taking the first steps and just sitting here waiting for them to respond.  And no matter how many rules we make, there's nothing controlling the airports in other countries.  I'm sorry, that just doesn't sound like a good system to me.
   But while a new system is needed, I don't really know what that system would be.  I'm sure someone out there would love to get paid to figure that out.  Maybe the ultimate solution is that everyone flies naked, "Exit to Eden" style.  Did anyone ever see that movie?  Terrible, and I'll tell you why: Rosie O'Donnell.  Ugh.  Whatever it is, by scrambling around like we are, pointing fingers at each other and crying like little babies, we're doing nothing but giving more power to the idiots who try to do this stuff.  Don't do that.

What's on your mind?
   Facebook was huge this year.  Facebook was such a big deal this year that it even got bigger than Twitter.  While I consider this a victory for Facebook (or for anyone who can slow down the stupid-machine that is Twitter), it's also really pissed me off.  And I know I'm not alone.
   Remember the earlier days of Myspace?  When it first started getting big, there were all kinds of problems.  I can't tell you how many blogs I've lost because "Sorry, an unknown error has occurred.  This problem has been forwarded to our technical group."  Did you forward my blog to the technical group?  That took some time, you know.  Myspace used to be a huge pain in the ass, but over time they've corrected most of their glitches and bugs.  Too bad no one cares about them anymore.  Through all of Myspace's issues, Facebook quietly marketed itself as the sleek, streamlined version of the same Social Networking Service.  And it obviously worked, because people started signing up by the millions.  I honestly use Facebook now more than my email for sending messages to friends.
   But despite this incredible growth, a deep dark secret has been lurking: Facebook is really just like Myspace, and Twitter, and all those other guys.  Sure they were awesome when they were the underdog, but now they're the main game in town, and they've become a joke.  I don't WANT to have a fucking farm on farmville.  I don't give a shit if someone killed me in Mafia Wars.  Who cares if you want me to become a knight in your castle?  It's stupid!  And don't even get me started on the ads.  There's so much garbage in the right column now that it gives me a headache.  What if I don't want to say hello to this person who's really not my friend?  And if two of my friends are fans of Tony Romo, who gives a shit?  Not me, and I'm not going to become a fan just because they are.  It's ridiculous!  Add on top of all that the fact that most pages don't load correctly, and most of the applications don't load at all on the first try (I had to hit "reload" about 10 times before the damn thing worked), and we're quickly on our way to Myspace-ville.
   There's a lesson here, and I think it's that the bigger a company gets, the sloppier it gets.  Some of this is unavoidable, I mean there are so many different Operating Systems and web browsers and plug-ins out there, it's impossible to keep up with it all.  But some of it is also laziness and greed.  Look at Google.  Have you ever had a problem with Google?  I would bet not.  And why?  Look how simple their interface is.  Sure there's some minor advertising in the search results, but it doesn't hamper what you're trying to do.  Companies like Facebook and Myspace and Twitter, in their neverending quest for money (the sites themselves don't earn shit since it's all free), will cram ads down our throats as much as we'll take them.  So eventually, I have to assume that people will have enough of "pay 2 dollars to send a roll of toilet paper to your buddy" bullshit... but then again, I have underestimated the stupidity of people on these sites before...

Punisher: Warzone
   Did anyone see the first Punisher movie?  No?  Well, I did, and it was awful.  The only redeeming quality I can remember is that one bad guy was wearing one of those funny red-and-white striped shirts like the gondola dudes wear in Venice.  And he beat the crap out of the Punisher too, which made me happy because it was a stupid movie.  Anyway, there have been a ton of stupid Super Hero movies, and the excuse from Marvel has always been that it's the studios' faults for not giving them (Marvel) enough creative control.  Want an example?  Look at the first Hulk compared to the new one.  Sure the new one's got problems, but it's a million times better than that old piece of crap.
   I say all this, and I'm not even sure if "Warzone" was created under Marvel's new studio.  I sure hope it wasn't though, because it completely weakens their argument about creative control.  "Punisher: Warzone" was easily one of the stupidist movies I've ever seen.  Ever.  It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be.  It's part original Batman (stupid kooky villains), part Halo (the main character almost never speaks), and all stupid.  The writing is awful, the acting is painful, and even though the chick in it is semi-hot, she's not in it nearly enough to redeem anything worth watching out of this movie.  "Punisher: Warzone" reminds me a lot of the movies I used to make with my brothers and friends.   IN EIGHTH GRADE.  My favorite part is at the end when all the (racist) gangs get together to try to stop the punisher, and he goes in and completely (impossibly) kicks all of their asses.  Hilarious!
   I should have turned this movie off less than halfway through, but I didn't.  The original Batman worked because Tim Burton fully believed in his vision of crazy colorful bad guys and over-the-top one-liners.  Halo worked because you're in a war and being the strong silent type means you get to shoot more stuff.  But "Punisher: Warzone" pulls neither off.  In fact, it doesn't pull anything off, except for wasting two hours of your life that you can never, ever, get back.

City of Lost Children
   Did someone recommend this movie to me?  If you did, let me know so I can slap you in the face.  I honestly don't know how I came across this movie, but after sitting through it, I wish I never had.
   The first strike this movie faces is that it's French.  The French are very weird when it comes to their movies, and if you want an example of that just watch the first 5 minutes of this badboy.  Seriously, I'll give you the opening scene: a little kid is sitting there on Christmas night, when suddenly Santa Claus comes down through the chimney.  Nice, right?  WRONG.  Now another Santa Claus comes down, and another.  Pretty soon the room is full of Santa Clauses, the kid is crying, and there's this weird bulge effect on the film.  Suddenly we cut to one of the weirdest looking people I've ever seen wearing an even weirder helmet, screaming his lungs out for a full minute and a half.  That's the beginning of the movie!  Throw Ron Perlman in there (yeah, the Hellboy Guy), speaking French no less, and you've got yourself one helluva movie.  I'm sorry, one helluva TERRIBLE movie.
   Nothing is right about this movie.  The production value is crap (it looks like it was all shot on a sound-stage), the acting is crap (like a bad off-broadway play, everything's overdone and stupid), and the story is crap (who are these one-eyed people, what are they doing in this city?  What role do the children play?  I don't understand!)  If you're looking for an artsy type conspiracy movie, might I recommend "Dark City," or even "City of Ember."  Neither one is a "Great" movie by any stretch (Ember was actually pretty lame), but their still better than this drivel.

Transporter 3
   Boy, this has been a bad week for movies.  Though I have to say, the third installment of the surface-level-at-best "Transporter" series was actually almost a good flick.  Almost.
   Let's just get this out right away: I could watch Jason Statham kick people's asses all day long.  You could make a movie where all he does is beat the shit out of people, and I think I would prefer that over something with a slapped-on story that you have to suffer through.  The first Transporter movie, while not good, was at least entertaining because of its over-the-top beatdowns and good cinematography (whuddup Luc Besson?)  The second one was a joke.  Bad acting, stupid story, and the fight scenes weren't even that great.  Needless to say, I didn't have very high hopes coming into the third installment... but I was pleasantly surprised to find that it's much closer to the first movie than the second.  The story, while kind of shallow, at least makes sense, and the fight scenes are awesome (except for the fact that somehow Statham's shirt winds up off in every scene... I don't get it).  The chick is also kinda hot, if you're into freckly foreigners, and who knew the villain from "Heroes" ever acted in anything else?  I guess everyone's gotta start somewhere.
   This (sadly) was by far the best movie I saw this week.  If you like Jason Statham, here's more of the same.  If you liked the first two "Transporter" movies, then I think you'll appreciate this one.  But when it comes down to it, there are so many better movies out right now, why bother with this one?  I'm kinda wondering why I did.

   Alright fellas, I hope you all have a happy new year.  Get ready, I have a feeling 2010 is gonna get crazy...

ChestNogs

   Do they really roast chestnuts on an open fire? Does that even taste good? What the hell are chestnuts anyway? I'm a nog man myself. I've already had quite a big of nog, and the fact that I can barely button my jeans is a testament to my devotion to that wonderful drink. I prefer my nog plain, with no booze, though I will also drink it with booze if that's what's available. It's gotta be really cold though... I can't do it like where it's been sitting out in someone's living room for the past few hours. When you really think about it, drinking Nog is serious business.
   The best Nog is made by Promised Land. It's also the most expensive. High class comes with a high price tag. Promised Land comes in a glass bottle, and I prefer to drink it straight from the bottle... though that's not always socially acceptable. My go-to nog, however, is Schepps. It's got a good consistency and flavor, and the bottle/jug/whatever that it comes in is probably the most festive. In a pinch, I've also been known to hit up HEB brand eggnog, though I have to say it pales in comparison to the other two. I avoid all other brands like the plague, because to me they're not real eggnog. Borden tastes like you're chewing eggnog gum, and southern comfort acts like they're counting on you adding booze (because without it the flavor is way off).


   In case you haven't noticed, this is going to be the "holiday edition" of this whole thing. I've been pretty busy with work so I haven't been checking up on cool stuff that's going on on the interwebz.... not that anyone cares about that anyway. I DO have a couple of movie reviews, so hooray for that I guess. But first, some very important, even crucial, holiday information: here are the movies that you HAVE to see during the holidays. I you don't, you're just a jerk.
   A Christmas Story: The classic, though it's really not the best. A Christmas story follows the traditional story of a kid who wants something so bad he might pee a little, and his quest to be the best boy ever in the hopes that santa will bring him the toy he wants. Even though he'll probably wind up shooting his eye out with it. You're in luck with this one, because TBS airs it non-stop starting on Christmas Eve. Even if you're passed out on the couch from eating too much ham and drinking too much nog, you'll eventually take in this whole flick.
   National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: This one's the REAL classic. Chevy Chase and his clan try to survive the holidays and their weird families. I'm not going to go into great detail with this one, because if you've seen it you know exactly what I'm talking about. All I'm going to say is that if you HAVEN'T seen this movie, you haven't experienced Christmas. This movie has some of the best lines and the most hilarious situations I've ever seen. Go get it right now.
   The Snowman: A personal favorite, I grew up on the Snowman. You can catch this entire movie (in pieces) on youtube, but it would be best to get it on DVD. Try to find the version narrated by the british guy, not David Bowie (what the hell is he doing up in an attic anyway? Weird). This movie's cool because there are no spoken lines. It's all done musically. It's short, but it's really nicely animated and it tells a great (if kind of sad) christmas story.
   Bad Santa: Here's a good one for when the kids go to bed, unless you're a sick bastard, then I guess you can let them watch. Billy Bob does a great job playing a sleazeball, and it's a story that's all too real and sad at the same time. One of the Cohn Brothers' better movies, if you ask me. It's dark, it's demented, but it's hilarious. And I dare you to not go walking around saying "Santa?" constantly after you've watched it.
   Jingle All The Way: I was actually concerned I was going to miss this one this year, but I caught a glimpse of it yesterday. Arnold Schwarzenegger (yeah, he did a holiday movie) vs Sinbad... I can't think of any greater challenge for the manw ho has defeated terminators and predators. This movie is cliche and really quite stupid, but it's just one of those things you gotta see. And make sure you're paying attention during the parade, because this movie has one of the best lines in any movie ever. You gotta pay attention though, it goes by quick.
   The Charlie Brown Christmas: Classic. Total Classic. If you haven't seen this one, go slap your parents in the face for not raising you right.  The story isn't even really what's important about this movie, so much as the atmosphere.  The droll delivery of Charlie Brown and friends as they go through all the cliches of the Peanuts world, but this time with Christmas instead of Thanksgiving or Easter or (insert holiday here).
   Rudolph/Frosty/Etc: There are a number of good, old-school Christmas movies that I'll just lump together here.  Most of them will be shown on TV at some point before Christmas, but I think I actually saw a set of them released on blu-ray.  I don't know if I want to see the Abomidable Snowman in HD,  but I guess whatever tickles your fancy...
   So did I miss some?  Sure.  But it's more likely that I've heard of the Christmas movie you think I glazed over, when in reality I'm all too aware of it but I just know it's stupid.  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.  Oh, and happy holidays.


Angels and Demons
   I guess this is fitting for the time of year too, right?  Angels vs. Demons, I mean isn't that kinda what this is all about?  Anyway, here's the sequel to the ever-so-popular book and not-nearly-as-popular movie, "The Da Vinci Code."  I never read either of the books, but I did enjoy the first movie, and I have to say that while this second one didn't quite captivate me in the same way, it was also pretty entertaining.
   I'd watch Tom Hanks in anything.  Except porn.  But regular movies, anything.  Well, except "Lady Killers," that movie was justg awful.  In fact, there are some other movies with Tom Hanks that I'm really not inerested in either.  Okay I completely retract my first statement there.  But he's good in these movies... I think he must completely agree with the stance his character takes (science before, though not necessarily above, religion).  Regardless, he's good in these movies.  There were a lot of good actors in this movie, actually, and I think it helped the story in the end.  The story itself isn't quite so mysterious or I guess typical of what I expected coming off the Davinci Code, but it's still entertaining.  It's much more thriller to me and less religious controversy.  I wasn't wowed by any of the information that was divulged, and I really wasn't surprised by any of the twists.  That said, it was still fun to watch and had some cool locations as well.
   If you liked Da Vinci code, I think you should give this movie a shot.  If you didn't, or you don't like Mr. Hanks (what kind of person are you?), or you think the books are better (riiiiiight), well, then you don't have to be a detective to know you probably shouldn't waste your time with this one.  Why don't you go re-read the book instead?  It shouldn't take more than two hours, right?  And it'll be loaded with beautiful images and touching music too, right?  Isn't that how books are?  Right.


The Wrestler
   If there's one thing I learned from this movie, it's that Mickey Rourke is an ugly dude.  I think he frightened me more than anything the Wrestler could have thrown at me.  But this movie, while not bad I guess, was also nothing like I expected.
   Let's just get this out of the way right off the bat: I get the gimmick they were going for here.  There were some very long shots that followed Rourke through several different locations.  The most impressive was probably the grocery store, where the dude somehow managed to follow Rourke down a flight of very narrow stairs.  Just picturing someone trying to do that with a steady cam is funny, yet also impressive.  But this movie's biggest feat is also its hugest flaw.  Who gives a shit that you can follow some guy around?  All that hard work results in several minutes of me staring at the back of this guy's head.  It does nothing to advance the plot, it doesn't even look that cool, and it completely takes me (the viewer) out of the movie.  I hate that.  Soderbergh, who I despise as a director, is famous for that (racking focus during the middle of shots for no reason at all, etc).  I'm here to  be entertained, not look at your skill as a movie maker.
   The story of this movie is also just not that impressive.  It's hard for me to feel bad for a guy when he's a huge dick all the time.  It'd be different if he were trying his best but he continually had bad luck or got sold out or something, but this guy's a jerk and he definitely deserves everything he got.  I'm not sure if feeling sorry for this guy was the point, but it sure did seem like that's what they were trying to do.  I guess.  Maybe instead they were more interested in seeing where they could follow this guy ("hey, let's have him get into a car, then drive for awhile, then go to the library and walk up and down some rows of books, then we'll have him climb a ladder and see if the camera can follow him through all of that.  Now THAT'S movie making!")  Maybe these guys should have watched "Cinderella Man" for some pointers on how to drive up sympathy for a guy.
   This movie got a lot of praise, and I can't tell you how many people came up to me like "oh man you've GOT to see this movie, it's gonna blow your mind!"  Why?  Would someone please enlighten me as to what exactly this movie had that was so incredible?  I wanted to like it, I really did.  Instead I wanted to fall asleep.


   Alright folks, I'm not gonna post until after the holidays (believe it or not, I do have better things to do)... so have a happy one, and I hope Santa brings you everything you asked for...

OMFG LOL!

   I live in a weird city.  It's Houston, I suppose... but it's also Bellaire, which is kind of its own little town surrounded by Houston.  We have our own police force and fire fighters, and we have the ability to make some of our own laws.  Last week, Bellaire/West U (I think they're all the same, someone correct me on this if I'm wrong please) passed a law that said we can no longer text while driving.  While I completely agree with this law and the whole idea of stopping people from texting behind the wheel, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that anyone will (or can) pass a law to that effect.
   I've seen first-hand the stupidity of people who are texting while driving.  Once I was on highway six, which is one of the busiest roads in Sugar Land (or I would argue Houston), and I saw this woman almost rear-end the person in front of her, not once, but three times.  All because she was texting.  Are you kidding me?  What in the world could possibly be so important that you have to text it despite the fact that you're putting people in danger?  If it's that important, call!  And working in TV, I've seen plenty of accidents that have been blamed on texting behind the wheel.  I've seen people severely punished for it, which I completely agree with, but that's another conversation for another time.   I also know from trying to text while driving that it's not easy or fun, and while I've never done it in a traffic situation, I can definitely see how it would be difficult to manage texting while driving.
   Still, even though I can see all of this and I think texting is stupid (no matter where you do it), I don't think it's right or even feasible to pass a law like this.  First off, how are you going to enforce it?  Sure some people are idiots and text with their toes on the steering wheel while putting on makeup and trying to change the radio station.  Those people are easy.  But what about the people who text with the phone low?  How will you know whether they're texting or looking for a map or something?  Will you just start pulling everyone over?  It is Bellaire, I wouldn't put it past them, but that's really the only way you're gonna enforce this thing, right?  And you know that people will get sneaker and sneakier about it once they catch wind of it being a "law."  Hell my sister can text without even looking at her phone, how are you gonna catch that kind of stuff?
   I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think this is much less a problem of texting or talking on a cell phone, and much more a problem of people not being able to multitask.  I think the people who almost cause accidents while texting or talking are the same people who almost cause accidents while eating a hamburger or putting on makeup or trying to kill a bee or talking to friends in the backseat.  Cell phones don't kill people... idiots kill people.  In the end, though, I think this one will sort of die out.  It's kind of like the whole red light camera thing... how do you enforce it, really?  The real solution here is to beef up the penalties for texting or talking and causing an accident.  The best deterrent is not to prevent it, but to make people so sorry they did it that they'll never do it again (and they'll tell their friends about their horrible story).  And might I suggest in lieu of jailtime, you hit each one of their fingers extra hard with a hammer.  Now THAT'S justice.

Tiger Uppercut
   Oh this story just will not die.  I heard today about several other callgirls coming forward to say they've screwed around with Tiger Woods... awesome.  But really, people, did any of you not see this coming?  Tiger's a pimp.  He's a friggin' billionaire, and he's bored.  Whatareyougonnado, right?  Wrong.  You can hate him, but I seriously doubt anyone will do that.  I saw Gatorade dropped him, but they claim it was decided before all this nonsense.  Seriously people, are we all such pansies that we can't just come out with the truth?
   I would bet a good number of these call-girls are lying.  And I don't just think that because I feel like the girls want to be in the spotlight... I think that because, I mean come on, it's Tiger.  Look at the guy.  He always looks like he's gonna cry.  Like Tim Tebow (BA-ZING!).  Maybe he's always pouty becuase he's thinking "man how'm I gonna juggle all these ladies?"  Good luck amigo.
   The best thing Tiger could do right now is come out to the public with full disclosure.  Get EVERYTHING on the table, and leave nothing to the tabloids and other paparazzi people's imaginations.  I know I for one would be thankful, just because then I wouldn't have to hear about it anymore.  And straighten up dude, what would your dad say?  Seriously.

Sarah Who?
   I read (part of) an interesting article the other day... it was all about some conspiracy that Sarah Palin supposedly moved out of Hawaii because there were too many Asians there and they made her uncomfortable.  Ooooo, scandalous!  I only read part of the article though, because after about 3 sentences I suddenly remembered that I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SARAH PALIN.  Then it occured to me... why do you?  Why does anyone? 
   Sarah Palin was on Oprah the other day.  Why?  She's on digg.com almost every day.  Why?  It's always ALWAYS negative press, but the bottom line is that this woman doesn't need to be in the spotlight anymore.  You know what's a MUCH bigger scandal than any racist beliefs or the fact that she doesn't know how to be a mother?  How about the fact that she made it into the spotlight in the first place! 
   Republicans, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  It's bad enough you thought this woman could actually help John McCain win.  It's even worse that you've released this woman on society... a society that was perfectly happy being oblivous to her presence... a society that now will never be able to escape her stupidity. Or... OR... maybe the republicans are smarter than any of us give them credit for.  Maybe they said "hey we're not gonna beat Barack.  Let's make McCain the candidate, and then give him Palin as Vice.  Then we kill two birds with one stone, since both of them will get slaughtered on election day and with any luck will never be able to run again."  Oh how I wish I could give the republican party that much credit... but I can't.
   So once again, good people, it's up to us.  Sure I could say I'm going to start and never mention her again, but where's the fun in that?  I'd rather make fun of you people who can't let her go.  But you really should, for all of our sake's and the good of this country.

B-Rocked It
   This has been quite an interesting week for our boy Barack, hasn't it?  He's dealing with the repercussions of his announcement to up the number of troops in afghanistan.  He's trying to figure out why he hasn't been able to accomplish anything since he took office.  He's trying to figure out why so many people are still out of work and the economy is moving slower than a turtle... and now he's accepted the Nobel Peace Prize. 
   Am I the only one here who thinks this was a terrible idea?  Obama might as well call everyone who hates him and say "Hey fellas, here's some more ammo!"  I mean, I kinda like the guy and I have to say I can't for the life of me figure out what he's done to deserve the Nobel Peace Prize!  Oh wait, he invented... no he didn't.  Well, he promotes peace... by sending thousands more troops to a warzone.  Hmm... he's, well, I don't know.  He's America's first black president, which I think is an insulting reason to award someone the Nobel Peace Prize.
   No Barack, your best bet would have been to respectfully decline this one.  You might have pissed off some of the award people, sure, but at least you wouldn't have given cannon fodder to your nay-sayers.  You of all people should understand the importance of that.  So was it an ego thing?  I don't know.  I imagine if I were in his position, it would be a weird thing to have to consider.  Do you turn it down and run the risk of looking like a prick, or do you accept it, knowing full well (and basically admitting in your speech) that you don't deserve it?  Tough choice.
   But I guess that's why he's president.

Terminator: Salvation (Director's Cut)
   Yes, I've already reviewed this movie.  Yes, I liked it, even though Rotten Tomatoes gave it like 18%.  You know what?  Rotten tomatoes is full of rotten shit.  Those clowns wouldn't know a good movie if it bitch-slapped them into next week.  I think it's hilarious that those guys gather on there like a bunch of intellectuals and try to out-do each other on insulting the popular movies, while loving the stupid ones that make no sense.  "No Country for Old Men?"  Seriously?  Ridiculous!  I swear they're like the kids in high school who thought everything mainstream was lame.  I grew up in the 'burbs, and I used to love listening to these assclowns who were like "Man Sugar Land sucks!  As soon as I'm old enough I'm outta here!"  Yeah don't think I don't remember that when you're serving me drinks at the Baker's Street out there.  Way to escape main stream, fools.
   Wow, where was I?  Oh yeah, Terminator Salvation.  Well, I bought the director's cut on blu-ray last week, and I liked it even more than the theatrical version.  Why?  Well, I don't remember any scenes being added or extended or anything, except (and yeah this is a total dude comment) that you see that one chick naked.  That's it.  Still, totally worth a director's cut.  My favorite part is that the scene is completely pointless.  It's like McG (the director) was saying to his crew "Hey I bet I can get her to take her shirt off if I tell her it's for the director's cut."  Well, whatever you did, McG... awesome.
   A lot of people bashed this new movie, but I really think you should give it a chance.  Consider the size of the undertaking here.  Not only do you have to follow two of the best movies (and one not so great movie) of all time... you're working in uncharted territory.  Sure we've seen flash-forwards to the big post-apocolyptic battle, but we've never spent two hours there.  These dudes were working from scratch, and honestly they did a great job.  Sure there are some weird story elements, but no one's perfect.  The overall picture you get from this flick is that they really respected the material, and they did their best to open the door for the future.  But to see that this movie grossed less than "T:3," which was really just unacceptably aweful and should have never been made... well that's just sad.
   Do yourself a favor.  Go buy this movie.  Check it out, seriously.  If nothing else, you get some great special effects.  And if you're not a hardcore fan who already knows everything (or thinks he knows everything) about the Terminator world, check out the special features too.  They did a nice job of explaining why they made the choices they made, and I think it really helps to flesh out the back story and the images that you see.  There's a lot more film here than some stupid site like Rotten Tomatoes will let on.  Do yourself another favor, and never go to that miserable excuse for a collection of critics again.

Man of the Year --VS-- Swing Vote
   I figured I'd shake it up a little for these movie reviews.  Considering both of these movies are about politics (must have been during election time when I added them to my queue), and considering that neither of them were very good, I thought it might be interesting to put them up head to head.  Of course, you're still probably better off just skipping this review, as well as these movies.  Still here?  Alright...
   Concept: "Man of the Year" Is a lot more plausible and realistic than "Swing Vote."  While an election coming down to one man is so slim and ridiculous it might as well be fantasy, I really could see someone like John Stewart or Stephen Colbert or Bill Mahr running for office.  And you know what?  I think they might have a shot.  So while Swing Vote had me running for the door within the first 10 minutes, at least Man of the Year was slightly believable.
   Story: It's funny to me that neither of these movies are really about the presidency at all.  Man of the Year is a terribly woven love story, full of what I guess is supposed to be endearing awkward pauses.  In the end it's just uncomfortable and actually pretty stupid.  Swing Vote has a very nice little background opportunity with a decent (and new) little actress... but they don't really flesh it out too well, and the movie continually changes focus.  I'm going to give both of these movies a "tie" in this category.  And by "tie" I mean "terrible."
   Actors:  There were some huge names in both of these movies.  Cristopher Walkin?  Lewis Black?  Kelsey Grammar?  Dennis Hopper?  Kevin Costner?  Are you kidding me?  The casting for Man of the year actually kinda worked, since there were several instances that went off for each of these comics to make fun of politics.  The downside was there were a lot of canned laughs that were just painful to watch.  I wonder if those guys find each other even remotely funny in the real world?  On the Swing Vote side, I was surprised to see so many big names jump at such a stupid idea.  Costner was a producer on this one, so I can see why he was invested in it, but Costner has done some really REALLY stupid movies in his time.  Unfortunately for him, he was upstaged by a little girl who, while she may not have been a "Little Miss Sunshine," was still the best thing this movie had going for it.
   End Result: While both of these movies made me figuratively puke, "Swing Vote" only made me throw up in my mouth a little, while "Man of the Year" had me vomming in a toilet.  "Swing Vote" actually gets almost entertaining by the end... don't ask me how, and I'm not saying it's really believable or anything, but at least you feel a LITTLE for those characters.  "Man of the Year" was just sad... and the sadness I felt was more pity towards these actors who clearly didn't realize the terrible turd they were making at the time.  If you have to pick one, go "Swing Vote," but honestly you'd probably be better stabbing yourself with a fork rather than watching either of these masterpieces.

Deuce.

I'm Back

   Oh Blogger... I just can't quit you.  That's right folks, after much travelling and searching, I'm back.  The thing is, I don't really like Blogger either.  It's like there are no middle-ground blog sites out there.  It's either a crappy setup that only works half the time, or it's so advanced that you basically have to make a career out of blogging/web design or you'll never figure it out.  Take, for example...
   Wordpress: Wordpress sells itself as a blogger's paradise.  It tops all the lists for "best blog site" that I've ever seen.  But I couldn't tell you why.  I guess I should congratulate them for being so open-source and expansive... if I knew more about web design and was willing to pay, I could probably get a pretty sweet blog going over there.  Oh yeah, did I mention they charge?  It's free for the basic BASIC stuff, but if you want to customize anything, they say you have to pay like 15 bucks a month.  OUTRAGEOUS!  I could MAYBE understand paying if you gave me a sweet editing tool or advertised my blog or something... but Wordpress won't even double-space unless you do some serious html coding first.  And it doesn't indent, which drives me insane.
   Blogger: Another site that I haven't been able to figure out how to indent on.  I want new paragraphs to indent.  How hard is that to do?  I read on one of the Wordpress forums that "indenting really isn't the style for bloggers."  Fuck you, I'll decide what my style is, thankyouverymuch.  And I want my first lines of new paragraphs to indent dammit!  Blogger is nice because it runs smoothly and it has some nice options... for FREE.  FREE WORDPRESS.  The downside (other than the ridiculous spacing bullshit) is that it's a pain in the ass to track my audience.  I have to use Google Analytics, which, while a cool tool, is waaayyy more than I need.  Honestly, both are owned by Google, why can't they implement some kind of simplistic tracking deal into Blogger?  Both are free, it's not like they'd be out of money.  I just don't get it.
   Myspace: And then there's Myspace.  Myspace has been good to me over the years.  It was my bread and butter from the beginning.  It's basic, sure, but at least it indents.  How is it that Myspace got the indent thing right, when these dedicated blog platforms can't?  I baffles me, and I know it sounds ridiculous, but it really does drive me absolutely batshit insane.  The downside to Myspace is that it's a shoddy platform overall.  It's deleted entire blog entries on me countless times (suddenly I'm greeted with "error has occurred" and it's all gone), and the audience reach is really pretty limited.  Don't get me wrong, I loved you guys reading my stuff over there (and I appreciate you sticking with me as I bounce around to different sites), but I'm thinking by moving over to another site I can expand my audience some.  Shameless?  Yep.  Sue me.
   So is this really what it's come to?  Is Myspace really the best blogging platform out there?  I refuse to believe it.  I'm hoping to eventually cancel my myspace account, since, you know, I'm not in high school anymore, and really the blog is the only thing I use it for.  Like I said, if anyone knows of any better blog sites than this one, or if anyone knows how in the name of Pete you indent on this piece of garbage, PLEASE let me know.


   Alright, let's get some business taken care of, shall we?


Global Schmarming
   It's going to snow here tomorrow.  I'm talking big time snow, as in several inches.  This will make it the third year in a row that it's snowed.  That's more (and more consistent) than I've ever seen it in my entire life.  I remember before this, it snowed one christmas a few years ago, it snowed once in fourth grade (kinda), and it froze over once when I was in middle school.  So how in the world is this global warming?
   Well, apparently, I'm not the only one asking these questions.  There's this little thing called "Climategate," which apparently points out some pretty convincing stuff about how Global Warming is a load of shit.  Sure the world is warming, they say, but significantly more than it would have if we weren't here polluting.  These guys accuse people like Al Gore of using something like Global Warming to make money, and I have to say that they might be right.  Would any of us even know who Al Gore is if it weren't for his Global Warming stuff?  I seriously doubt it, other than to make fun of him for claiming to have invented the internet.  It never gets old.
   Is global warming real?  Who knows?  I say, who cares?  In my opinion, we should still be striving to improve our technology and rid ourselves of dependence on fossil fuels.  Not only would it be a great middle finger to all those middle eastern nations who love to screw us, it would just be better for everyone.  Unfortunately, the only way Americans are going to do anything to change the status-quo, is if they think their survival hangs in the balance.  I guarantee you, if some study proved that the world would end next year unless we started recycling and driving hybrid cars, we would somehow have an easy way to recycle, and cheap hybrid cars by next year.  That's just how america works.  So while I seriously doubt Al Gore or any of his buddies got all high on global warming for that reason (as opposed to making shit-tons of money), they do at least serve an important purpose.


Tiger Uppercut
   Unless you've been hiding under a rock somewhere, you've heard all this fun stuff about Tiger Woods and his family issues.  Great, great stuff.  I guess even Mr. Squeaky Clean gets bored sometimes.  His wife's definitely not bad looking, but judging by the new reports that she may have been chasing Tiger with that golf club instead of trying to save him say to me that she must be pretty scary.  But still, come on Tiger, she's your wife.  You can't handle that?  You're going to run off like a baby when she gets mad?  You're no doubt more skilled than her with a golf club... why not have a golf club sword fight and call it even?
   I don't feel sorry for Tiger.  Not one bit.  Not only because he's rich off his ass and has it pretty good, but because he screwed up.  I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a cheater.  Well, I kinda did once, in middle school, but come on, that doesn't count.  And besides it really screwed with me even back then.  Okay anyway, not the point.  The point is, Tiger should have known better, and the fact that he didn't makes this whole thing kind of ridiculous.  I haven't heard anyone stand up for Tiger yet, but I have seen that his sponsors are "sticking with him" during these tough times.  Well what does that say about you, sponsors?  That you'd rather make money than stand up for what's right and teach our kids that doing this kind of stuff is not good?  The sponsors should drop him, the PGA should reprimand him, and we should all send a nice facepalm his way.
   For shame, Tiger.  For shame.


Afghani-who?
   President Obama went to Westpoint this week, to explain to a bunch of eager young kids why he was going to put them in a place where crazy religious nutjobs were more than happy to kill them.  That's right, Obama is going to send something like 30,000 more troops over to Afghanistan.  The question I have is, why?
   I could understand why we still have troops in Iraq.  That was a stupid war, but we really screwed things up for those guys and we kinda owe it to them to help them fix it.  But Afghanistan has been screwed up for AGES.  It was messed up even before the Soviets went in back in what, the 80's?  That whole part of the world is off the chain, and while I can understand why we went in there (to get Bin Laden, remember that guy?), there's really no reason for us to be over there now.
   Think about it.  What does Afghanistan have to offer us?  Natural resources?  Not really.  Nice scenic tourism?  Nope (the scenery may be there, but so is animal poop and crazy animal-like tribes of people who forgot that the world is modern now).  The reality is that Afghanistan/Pakistan really have to offer us is a nuclear weapon, which they could potentially ram down someone's throat.  I believe that's the real reason why we're over there.  There are just enough smart people in those countries to build a nuclear weapon, and plenty of stupid people to steal it and do something really crazy with it.  So we're over there kind of like "hey you know what?  You can drop that nuke all day, but we're still gonna be here to kick your ass if you do."  If they didn't have that nuke up their sleeve, I don't think we'd still be over there.
   There really is no way to "defeat" terrorism, other than to just keep them out of our country.  Obama wants to pull out in 18 months.  Good luck.  The terrorists aren't ALL stupid, they know if they can just last until we're gone they can start building again.  It's kinda like mowing grass... you can mow it really short, and it'll take longer to grow back, but it's going to grow back.  As long as there are religious nuts out there hating america, we will have to deal with terroristm.
   So what's the answer?  Ron Paul had it.  Pull out of Afghanistan, now.  Pull out of Iraq as soon as humanely possible.  Pull out of Germany (why are we even there), pull out of Europe, and bring our guys home.  Diplomatic relations are great and all, but why should we have a military presence anywhere in the world?  How would you feel if Germany came over here and decided to open a military base in, say, Georgia?  That would be nuts... it would never fly.  So what gives us the right to do it over there?  We take pride in saying that we keep the world peaceful, but I would argue that we do nothing but raise tension around the world.  Pull out of everyone's countries and they can relax, because "Big Daddy" isn't sitting over their shoulders all the time.  Sure you can look at it as a step back, but would it really be bad?  We'd have more people here to protect our borders, build our infrastructure, and the rest of the world would be thankful that we're willing to play on the same level as they do every single day.  Sending more people over there to die?  Not the answer.  In my opinion it's an even worse answer than Iraq.


Star Trek
   When I was a little boy, like maybe 8 or 9, my dad used to watch "Star Trek: the Next Generation" every single night.  I'd lay there and watch it with him, and while I didn't understand any of it, I did become a pretty big fan of the show.  Really I'm a fan of Patrick Stewart, and he happens to be Picard... but really the show was pretty good for its time.  It's laughable now, but the world was a MUCH different place in the 80s.  The one big complaint I've had about the Next Generation crew is that their movies are pretty weak sauce.  "Generations" was good, and "First Contact" was alright (coulda been a LOT better), but the last two have just been kind of like glorified TV episodes.  Anyway, here comes this new "Star Trek" movie, a complete relaunch of the franchise, and I'm pretty pumped... until I remember that Kirk came before Picard.
   I could sit here and do some sort of Kirk Vs. Picard crap, but I'm not that big a nerd.  I really don't know much about Kirk.  I've only seen a couple of the old Star Trek episodes, and I thought they were absolutely stupid.  I know the 70s were even more weird than the 80s, but I don't care.  Going into this new "Star Trek," I thought the biggest mistake they could make would be to use Kirk and crew instead of Picard and friends.  I was wrong.
   "Star Trek" was a very good movie.  I mean VERY good.  Maybe not the groundbreaking holy hell good that people told me it was, but I did enjoy it a lot.  It's exactly what the series needed, it completely validated it, and in my opinion it by far kicks the ass of any and all the new StarWars revamps.  What I liked best about it was that it was able to fit in a typical Star Trek story (time travel, mistaken identities, etc) without being completely ridiculous.  The special effects were top-notch, and the writing was actually pretty good.
   How can I not recommend this movie?  It really was a good one.  Watch it on Blu-Ray if you can, and jack the volume WAY up.  Great sound effects and music all the way through.  Here's hoping they make a few more of these bad boys...


Max Payne
   Another movie that surprised me with its writing... Max Payne was actually pretty good.  I would have never guessed it was based on a video game... if I hadn't heard of the videogame, that is.  Mark Wahlberg is usually a pretty big tool in his movies, but he fit this role well.  I don't know what they did differently... maybe they said "hey just be angry all the time" and that did it, I dunno.  Whatever it was, I actually believed Wahlberg for once, and that's saying a lot.
   The story here really isn't anything new, it's pretty predictable.  Lots of twists and turns, but nothing really surprising.  Completely over-the-top and unrealistic action, at times it seemed like it was trying to rip off of "Sin City," but I never felt like it crossed the line.  I never played the video game, so there might have been a few things that I didn't catch, but overall I was pretty happy, especially with the writing.  The dialogue was snappy, not cheesy like you so often see.  The violence was definitely there (especially in the unrated director's cut), and there were plenty of hot chicks to look at.  All of those things make up a good movie in my book.
   Should you see this movie?  I'd be interested to hear what someone who played the videogame has to say, but I for one really enjoyed this movie.  It's no "Star Trek," but I think it holds its own against the likes of "Sin City" or pretty much any cop movie.  And if you've given up on Mark Wahlberg, give this one a shot... you might be surprised.


Pride and Glory
   Speaking of cop movies... here's one that also surprised me in the quality department.  Colin Farrell was teetering on douche-dom, but he's officially saved himself in my book.  He's one sick bastard in this movie, and while Edward Norton may not be anything special, he also fit his part rather well.
   What I liked most about this movie was that it was a mystery thriller, but as an audience member you were in on all sides from the beginning.  You knew who the bad guys were, but watching how the good guys reacted to them and their stories was actually a new and interesting take on this kind of movie.  I mean, come on, cop investigates corrupt department, discovers friend may be dirty... predictable.  But I can't remember ever seeing the story told this way.
   I think this movie must have been greatly under-rated, mostly because I'd never heard of it before it showed up on my Netflix recommended list.  How can that happen?  How can fuckin' "New Moon" get into theatres, but a well thought out, near ground-breaking story like this gets passed over?  Do us all a favor, buy this movie instead of seeing "New Moon" for the umpteenth time.  Do your part to get crappy movies out of cinema forever.


Alright y'all, the holidays are almost here.  I've already had my first celebratory nog... when you have yours, toast it to me.  Until next time...

I'm Done

Well, I thought moving over here would be better for me, but to be honest I'm really not happy here. So, after 20 minutes of trying to post today and then having my entire blog deleted, I've decided to return to Myspace.

So, to those of you who followed me from MySpace, I appreciate it but you can go back now. For those of you who found me on here and like what you see, my Myspace blogs are public, you can read them every week at http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=10071891&blogId=483686543

Tootles...

Shiver Me Timbers

What's the deal with pirates, anyway? Pirates used to be some of the coolest bad guys on the planet. They dressed funny, they talked funny, they drank a lot, and they beat people up for no reason (okay for money/loot and probably because they had mommy-issues, but let's not count those). They had beards. They had wooden legs. They had awesome birds that shouted profanities and probably spread disease with their poop-bombs. They terrorized the high seas and made even the most hearty captains quiver in their silly ninny-boots.
So what happened to them? No doubt you've seen the plethora of pirate attacks on ships off the coast of Africa lately. They've even grown ballsy enough to take over a coulpe of American ships. But these aren't the awesome pirates from the days of yore (or the days of "YAARRRRR!" as it were). No no. These pirates are stupid. You ever seen "Life Aquatic?" THOSE kinds of pirates. They show up in an air-filled raft, and instead of firing cannons and demanding loot, they jump on the ship with uzis and start shooting at innocent people. Where's the fun in that?
I propose two things: first off, let's not call them pirates. Let's call them terrorists, since that's really what they are. No self-respecting pirate would be able to live knowing that these assholes have taken their name in vain like this. Second, we have a huge and quite powerful navy that's kind of looking for stuff to do, right? I mean we beefed them up for Iraq and Afghanistan, but neither country really has much of a navy, am I right? I think it would be completely awesome if we sent out Navy over there completely armed, and just filled that entire section of the ocean with our military might. Let's see these so-called "pirates" try to stand up to THAT on a day to day basis. It'd be fun to watch our huge cannons blowing these silly little pirate rafts out of the water, and it would give our soldiers something to do.
Sigh. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?

I Hope You Learned Your Lesson
Europeans are stupid. And yeah James I know you're over there, so spread the word. They don't know how to govern, they let crazy politicians come to power and don't do anything about it, and (perhaps worst of all), they don't have very good fences at their zoos. At least, the fences aren't good enough to keep some some crazy German lady from jumping over them and into a fucking polar bear enclosure.
That's right, this bitch (who I'm sure was completely sober and had no drugs in her body) decided that she should become humanity's ambassador into the Polar Bear kingdom. So what happened? She got the shit kicked/bit/scratched out of her, of course. But believe it or not, that's not what has me pissed. I actually applaud this woman for having the guts to climb into a polar bear enclosure. Sure she's 100% insane, but at least she has the conviction to follow through on her insane ideas.
No, what pisses me off here is the fact that they actually rescued her. Why? Why would people waste their time trying to save some woman who obviously has little to contribute to society other than putting on a good show trying to fight off a polar bear? This sounds heartless I know, but as far as I care it serves her right. And this is only part of a MUCH bigger problem that we've all stumbled into.
Take Hurricane Ike, for example. Hurricanes aren't like earthquakes, usually you know they're coming. So when Ike was barreling toward Houston (I used that line in a promo, by the way), several people in Galveston and along the coast decided they would stay and "tough it out." Stupid choice, but I have to say that I can understand where they're coming from. During Rita's evacuation fiasco, I sat at home and got drunk. I felt better knowing I would be there to protect my home from the hurricane and looters than trying to run away. BUT, the difference is, if things did hit the fan, I would NOT expect to be rescued. And that, my friends, is the problem. Most of these people who stay behind then get pissed because it took so long to rescue them. Well guess what? It SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU MORON. You've got a hurricane half the size of Texas heading right for you, and you're going to sit at your beach house and watch the waves lap at the shore (or completely destroy you). Stay or go, that's your choice. But if you do stay, don't expect anyone else to risk his life to try to save yours. You made the decision, you need to live with the consequences.
But back to this woman, I guess the rescuers were obligated since there was a crowd and children and blah blah blah. What they should have done is arrest this nutty lady, and then once the zoo closes, throw her ass back in there. Or maybe just dangle her right out of Polar-Bear reach so that she'll get the idea that these are not friendly animals, and she's a complete idiot for thinking they are.

Congrats, You Failed.
This week's Early Show atrocity came hard and came early. Monday I think it was, they had a story about this woman who was throwing a wild party. But it wasn't her birthday, she didn't win any kind of award or anything. No, this was a divorce party. That's right, this lady had a bunch of her friends come over to celebrate her divorce.
Some of the highlights of the party included a dartboard with her ex-husband's picture on the bullseye, lots of booze and silly drunk people, and oh yeah, severely covered up depression. This has to be one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in my life. What kind of world do we live in where marriage is so meaningless that we party once it's over? There's a reason they call marriage marriage: it's more than a relationship, it's a binding agreement. It involves you and your husband/wife, and maybe a kid or two as well. This is selfishness at it worst.
But let's set that aside for a second. Divorce is the ultimate admittal that you and your significant other are both failures. You couldn't even manage to get along well enough to live in the same house. Don't get me wrong, I do think divorce is an important option. There are way too many couples out there where someone's getting abused or where it would actually be better for the kids to not have to see both parents and the way they act toward one another. But to CELEBRATE a divorce? You've got to be kidding me.
I really hope this woman never finds love again. I hope she grows old single and bitter and cynical. She doesn't deserve it, and neither does anyone else who looks at divorce as a "hooray" moment. And, of course, shame on The Early Show for even giving this attention. The only way something like this should come up in the media is as an editorial, preferably one fronted by Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh... or maybe as a joke. Jon Stewart would have a field day with this one.
I'm gonna be completely honest with you here. Our world is fucked up right now, and it's getting worse every day. For those of you thinking about having kids, think really hard. There are SO MANY bad influences, you've got to be ready for some serious challenges down the road. It's actually kind of scary.

Death Race
Here's a movie that knows what it is. You don't go into this one expecting a lot of groundbreaking dialogue or an emotional story. You go into this looking for violence, explosions, and a lot of weirdly buff people punching each other in the face. At least, that's what I expected when I put this movie in. Maybe I should approach more movies with low/no expectations, because I was actually surprised by this one.
No there wasn't any deep dialogue, and I didn't cry at the end. But I was surprised by the amount of well-produced action and violence there was in this movie. Sure it was full of cheese, but come on, look at what this movie is. It was well shot and edited, and the special effects were also pretty good (and I think real, for the most part). They didn't shy away from gore or gritty violence, which I actually found surprising (it seems like most movies now are striving for that magical PG-13 rating, seriously, what is this world coming to?).
Nothing fancy here. If you're looking for the next "Slumdog," you've come to the wrong place. But if you like a lot of exploding shit, a lot of people getting killed and thrown out of cars moving at 100mph, etc... well, you've come to the right place.

I was driving into work the other day when I noticed a traffic sign on the side of the road. It read "WARNING: OBEY ALL TRAFFIC SIGNS." It occured to me that these are everywhere, you see them every day. But aren't they kind of ridiculous? I mean, if you're not paying attention to traffic signs, are you going to pay attention to this sign? Our tax dollars pay for this stuff people. Think about it.

I Ate an Entire Bunny

Short week, early entry. Hope everyone's planning to have a good Easter, though if you're here in Houston it could get pretty nasty. Weather-wise, not dead-bunny-on-the-side-of-the-road-wise. Unless you run over a bunny. Anyway, I'm still kinda trying to figure out this whole Blogger business, and to be honest I'm not sure if I'm going to stay over here. I tried to sign up for this tracking thing so I can figure out if anyone's even reading these, but I don't think it's giving me accurate results. Hey, maybe this week if you read, leave me a comment just to let me know you were here, and, you know, to make me feel wanted.

Nanu-Nanu
So the big nerd news this week is that NASA is have a space orgasm over the fact that they're getting ready to launch this new satellite whose sole purpose is to look for planets in our galaxy that can support life. Wow that was a long sentence. Yeah, I guess this satellite is going to scan the stars and look for planets that are in the "sweet spot" like Earth. Of course I find this ridiculous, or else I wouldn't be writing about it...
How the hell does NASA know what this "sweet spot" is? We know what it is for us, but for all we know the aliens who are out there are breathing cyanide and pooping hydraulic acid. Maybe their skin is made of metal, or maybe they don't have bodies at all. When it really comes down to it, NASA is a great example of wasted time, effort, and money. Sure they invented velcro, but what else have they REALLY accomplished? They supposedly landed someone on the moon. Big deal, we knew there was nothing there before we did it. We managed to get something made of tin-foil to fly in a vacuum. Great, that was worth billions of tax dollars. And recently we've been able to put a school bus into space where sick people can pee in a jar and try to convert it to water. Do you really have to be in space to do that? Really?
Hey, what if we go through all this trouble looking for life, only to discover that WE are in fact the most advanced life forms in our galaxy? How crazy would that be? "Well how do you explain all those UFO sightings then, Mr. Bobby?" Shut up. No check this out: what if those "aliens" we're seeing are really US in the future. Hear me out. Everyone who sees these aliens has a similar story. Short scrawny little dudes with big eyes and big weird heads. They don't talk, they communicate telepathically. Is it really so hard to believe that it couldn't be humanity in a few thousand years? We're already heading in that direction. We sit in cubicles or offices or on computers all day long. We don't get out in the sun like we used to (because it causes "cancer" or whatever), so over time our skin could conceivably lose its pigmentation. Look at the kids nowadays... my sister can go an entire day without saying a word, all you hear is the "click click click" of her thumbs beating up her cell phone with text messages. If humanity stays on this track, it won't be long before talking is not the preferred form of communication anymore. So we start shrinking because we have no need to work out, and our mouths go away because we don't talk anymore. Maybe we don't become telepathic, but maybe we just install little cell phones in our brains so we can "brain text" constantly? Next question: why would we bother travelling back in time? Well, why not? What other species in the history of this planet has ever been a big enough asshole to go to a creature's natural habitat, grab it, and drop it into a cage somewhere? No one. We assume aliens would do this, because WE would do it to THEM if we had the chance. Try THAT hat on for size.
Alright, I'll admit this is all a little far-fetched... I'm just saying it's possible. At least as possible that some aliens from the other side of the galaxy have nothing better to do than come screw with rednecks and crazy ex-military people.

Hate the Play-Time, not the Playa
We ran a story the other day about how there's apparently a big battle going on over recess at schools. I guess some parents felt like their kids weren't getting enough recess, so they asked to make it mandatory for all schools. Sounds great, right? I wish my parents were cool enough to fight for more recess... lord knows I was. But here's the part that makes me laugh: suddenly out of the shadows come all these other parents who are pissed because there's any kind of recess at all!
I don't really know the specifics of their argument because I tend to not listen to people who are that stupid anyway... but I assume their argument has something to do with how recess takes away from the education of our kids, and because kids play games like tag or soccer, where there are winners and losers (UNACCEPTABLE!), or some other weak sauce like that. But the bottom line is, kids NEED recess.
Recess doesn't just serve as a reminder to kids of just how lame school is, it also teaches them valuable life lessons. If you give Mary a flower, she might kiss you. Translation: buy your chick nice stuff and she won't cheat on you. If you lose in soccer, play harder next time and maybe you'll win. Translation: if you don't get that job, try harder and tuck in your fucking shirt next time you slob. If you punch Billy in the face in front of a teacher, you get time out (but if you do it behind the tree, no one can prove anything and Billy could just as easily be lying). Translation: don't hit on that cute girl at the bar while her boyfriend is around, wait until he goes to the bathroom and then if things go south you can just be like "that bitch is CRAZY!"
Recess needs to stay. Seriously, it does. We're at a very pivotal point right now in kids' education. We've already changed the lives of kids forever by trying to ingrain in their mind that there are never "losers" in life, and there's medicine for everything (more on this later)... let's not ruin it further by taking away from them the fact that life can still be fun even in the middle of a boring ass day of science labs and math problems. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN DAMMIT!

Fatty Fat Fatkin
This week's CBS Early Show atrocity: Diagnosing Obesity in kids under the age of 4. 4! It's bad enough that we're calling little kids fat, now we're going after babies too? Hey, I'm not a parent and I'm not really that bright when it comes to this whole "kid" thing, but uh, aren't babies SUPPOSED to be fat? Every time a family member has a baby and brings him/her to the family gathering, all the women are all like "aw look how pudgy his little legs are! He looks just like his daddy!" and all the men are like "I'm going to get another beer." How can anyone diagnose a four year old kid as "obese?"
I weighed 8lbs when I was born. Not huge, but by no means a "small" baby. So was I "obese?" No. In fact there wasn't even a consideration for that. But then doctors figured out that they could use big weird words to scare the shit out of parents, and they started what has become in my opinion the biggest problem of this generation: over-diagnosis. Turn on the TV. Go ahead, go turn it on. Or if you're at work or whatever, go to any website (except Google which is still cool enough to not run ads). Chances are, you're going to see at least one ad for some time of medication. And chances are, there are so many side effects listed that you don't even know what the medicine actually treats. Seriously, I was taking a crap at my mom's the other day and there was a reader's digest over there, so I looked inside and there was an ad for some kind of pill... but after the ad were PAGES of side effects and warnings. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember when kids were hyper? All kids are hyper, they have energy, it's part of being a kid. But now it's not them being hyper, it's them being ADD. Fuck that. Got a sore back? Might be some kind of arthritis... better take this pill. Sure it'll give you ulcers, but when that happens you just take this other pill. Oh, except that one can give you heart palpatations, better take this one. Be ready though, because the side effects include an uncontrollable urge to gamble. There's no pill for that, since it involves you throwing your money away.
Which takes us to the point: doctors, pharmaceutical companies, the government, whoever you want to blame... the medical industry has finally figured out how to insure it's future and bleed americans dry. With FEAR. They've got us all so worked up that we diagnose every little thing that goes wrong (with us AND our loved ones). Don't get me wrong, doctors are important, and sometimes they even come up with some pretty smart ideas. But there's a seedy underside to the medical industry, and unfortunately that's the one we're seeing more of these days. I remember the first time I saw one of those medical commercials with all kinds of side effects listed... I thought "this can't last." I was WAY wrong. Now those are some of the most highly-produced spots on television. They hire decent actors to pretend like everyone has a conversation about Plavix on the baseball field, or it's totally okay for medical students to tell their professor about the side effects of Ambien (bitch as if the prof didn't already know!)
It's getting out of hand, but it's not going to stop until we as a society stop freaking out about everything. I have a newsflash for you: we're all going to die. It'll happen one day, and NOTHING you can do will stop it. You can take pills every day as long as you're on this planet, but you're not going to live a day longer than you're supposed to. So why not try enjoying life instead of worrying about every little thing? So your back hurts, do stretches. So you're having trouble going to sleep. Figure out something else to do until you get tired. Stop letting these assholes tell you you're messed up and take your money. Stop calling babies fat or obese, and start raising them to be good people. Punch your pharmacist in the face. Whatever makes you feel good...

Check it out... because I'm such an awesome guy, I'm going to start making all the titles for movie reviews into links, so you can check out the imdb page and actually read VALUABLE information on those movies. But still read my reviews, I work hard on them...

The Promotion
Here's a movie that completely slipped under the radar. And wouldn't you know it... it's actually pretty good. Two dudes who both have miserable lives working at a grocery store, both trying to move up, and both competing for the same job. Comedy gold, right?
Actually, what you wind up with in this movie is a kind of sad and totally close to realistic view of just what it's like working in a shithole like a grocery store. Maybe that's why this movie hit home for me... I spent six years of my life miserable, working in a pet store. Do you have any idea what it's like working in a spot where not only are you smarter than your boss... you're smarter than her boss, her boss' boss, and probably a good 75% of the company? It's brutal. And while it's hilarious to watch people suffer from the outside, it's complete hell when you're actually in it.
I think this is one of those movies that everyone NEEDS to see. Sure it's good and entertaining (and a complete departure for some of the actors who are in it), but it's also a nice look at what life is like for these people. Maybe after seeing this movie, you'll think twice about yelling at that mildly retarded cashier who can't remember the sku# for celery, or you'll actually clean up after your dog after he shits all over the fish aisle, instead of just assuming the pet store guy will do it with a smile on his face. Yeah assholes, I'm talking to all of you. You were lucky enough to get out of having to go through years of retail torture... but getting perspective from watching this movie will be the next best thing.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Here's what I thought when I popped this movie into my DVD player: "ah, a movie starring that scrawny kid from Superbad, and the weird looking chick from Charlie Bartlett... no doubt both of them will be playing the same roles they always do, and it's a movie about music so no doubt there will be lots of arguments over who has a better sound (one of my biggest movie pet-peeves)." But for some reason, I popped it in anyway. I'm glad I did.
I realize I may be one of the only people on the planet who hadn't seen this movie until this week, but who cares I'm reviewing it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was actually a pretty charming little movie about high schoolers who think they're grownups and have no idea just how stupid or immature they're acting. I enjoyed it. Really. And there was only one music argument in the entire thing, which I can deal with. The Superbad kid was himself, but it's still funny so by all means continue. The Charlie Bartlett chick surprised me in that she wasn't quite as annoying. And I don't have any idea who the other chick was (the "hot" one), but she definitely had crazy eyes. In a good way. I'll stop here before I write anything that could be used against me in a court of law.
The music in this movie was fantastic. I'm sure that was a big concern for its creators... I'm sure they spent literally MINUTES going over the soundtrack, trying to figure out what would piss off the fewest people and still be good. Music fans are rabid, and if you leave out something they think should be in, it's the END man. I don't know shit about any of the bands or music that was in this movie, but I liked almost all of it. I also liked some of the more creative visuals... that barfy toilet was so realistic that I almost puked when I saw what happened (I won't ruin the fun). And the sex scene was done in a very creative and rather harmless way as well.
The only downside here was that I still couldn't get over just how ridiculous these kids acted. They got into every nightclub in the city, they bought drinks, they did drugs, and the Superbad kid left a hot and barely dressed girl in the middle of nowhere. In New York. In the middle of the night. I think this movie would have been a million times better had the kids been in college and the movie set in a little bit less weird city, like LA. Yeah. But I enjoyed it, and I think you will too. Thumbs up on this one.

Role Models
Wow, three for three this week. "Role Models" was another surprisingly good movie. This first struck me as a "Step Brothers" type movie. Great concept, but it would probably work better as an SNL skit than a full length movie. Luckily, I was wrong. This movie actually had a decent story, and some really funny moments as well.
First off, it was nice to see Stiffler back into a role he's more comfortable with (being Stiffler). And Paul Rudd has some of the greatest reactionary facial expressions I've ever seen. Read that last sentence again, check out how many big words I used. The kids were funny, but it was these two guys who made the movie work.
One thing I will say about this movie, and it's a complaint that I have about a LOT of movies coming out now. It just didn't feel like a "movie" to me. In my opinion, a good movie will really get you into it. "Tommy Boy" is a great movie, because you go on a hilarious journey with these guys. "SuperBad" was a great movie because a LOT happened in the course of a day. "Role Models" was enjoyable, but it fell short of greatness because the whole thing felt rushed. There was almost no character or plot development. Hell the movie is just over an hour long... what's up with that? I would say they probably left a lot on the cutting room floor, but I watched the unedited version. I wonder if they had waited another six months for this movie, fleshed it out a little more, maybe they could have really achieved comedy gold. Instead they'll have to settle for a few laughs and maybe a couple of quotable lines down the road. I'm giving this one a "meh."

Alright folks,that's gonna do it for me this week. Tune in next week for... well, I don't know. I'll think of something.

Ahh, a new post on the new blog... it feels nice and fresh. Kind of like when you get your car out of that fancy carwash that you have to actually get out of. You asked for the "new car smell," and even though it's painfully obvious that they accidentally sprayed "lemon" first and just covered it up, it's still a nice feeling. Hey, why do you have to get out of your car for those anyway? I bet it's because they electrify the inside of your car while it's on the conveyor belt... you know, to kill germs or whatever.
If you came here from Myspace, thanks for coming. Skip this paragraph. If you're new to this blog, then I guess I should let you in on what's going on here. Basically, as a promo producer, I write stuff every day that has to be crammed into 30 or 15 or even 04 seconds, and to be honest it's tiresome. Sometimes I just want to stretch my legs (fingers?), and so here's my chance. Chances are you're not going to find anything profound here. You probably won't learn anything. But you will get a movie review or two, and a rant here and there, and if you're really lucky I'll throw in a picture or two.
So, sit back and enjoy...

I'm a PC, and I'm an Idiot
Microsoft's new commercial campaign makes me sick. Not because I'm mad so much... more because it makes me embarassed for Microsoft. You've probly seen these:

Cute, right? WRONG. Microsoft went through a lot of trouble to find a four year old girl who can memorize a script, and I can only imagine the pain-staking process it took to teach her how to actually do what she's saying. IF she's actually doing it. But then they put together this nice little ad campaign that proceeded to insult 95% of the American Population.
"Aw come on, it's a little girl, how can you not like that?" How about this. A 35 year old man sees this commercial, thinks "hey that kid can do it, so can I." Then he comes to the crushing realization that he doesn't even know how to turn on a computer, much less plug a camera into it or make a slide show. Oh, I wish I could have seen the focus group testing on this one. Did nobody see this coming? Think about it like this: who's going to buy that PC? The cute little girl who somehow figured out how to make a slideshow without erasing the hard drive, or her Dad who now feels like a dumbass thanks to your commercial? Nice going Microsoft, another tick in the "stupid ideas" column for you.

Dumb Divas
Hey, while we're on the subject of little kids, here's another thing that is incredibly stupid and sad, yet all too real. And yeah, I'll admit that I got this from the CBS Early Show. They actually did something worthwhile this week. Apparently, there's a real issue with little girls who are pampering themselves. I'm talking about 8 year olds going to get their nails done, putting on makeup, etc etc. And this isn't some stupid little birthday party thing where they come pick you up in a ridiculous pink limo... this is the real deal. So now we're training our kids to make a big deal out of one of the most ridicuous things in our society. Real nice, I can't wait to see how this turns out. And you know, I wish I could say I feel bad for girls, but it's happening to guys too. I went to the Galleria the other day and walked by the Armani store. They always put huge pictures up of models wearing their clothes, and for the first time I honestly had to look closely to figure out which models were guys, and which ones were girls.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the fitted clothes and stuff. I've got pretty broad shoulders, so by the time I find a shirt that fits them, it's like I'm wearing a tent. So fitted is nice. But this goes beyond clothing, or even makeup. Our society is getting to the point now where women are no longer attractive unless their made of plastic and covered in paint. And our men are no longer allowed to be men. Used to be dudes could have beards and burp and fight and get muddy and chop down trees and fight pirates. Now that's all seen as ridiculous or immature, and the men are expected to be trim, clean, hairless, and scrawny. WEAK.
And so, I propose a return to the way things used to be, the way things SHOULD be. Women, stop trying to fix your problems with plastic surgery and a shit-ton of makeup. One of the most beautiful women I've ever met in my entire life doesn't wear a lot of makeup, and doesn't have any plastic surgery (that I know of). She's beautiful because of who she is, and the fact that she doesn't spend hours on her hair every day and doesn't worry herself sick about the clothes she's wearing is what makes her so unbearably attractive to me. And Men, have a little pride. Don't be afraid to have a hairy chest (REAL women prefer them), and stop wearing jeans that are so tight there's no way your package can fit. It's just sad. Look at yourself in the mirror, and don't be afraid to say I AM A MAN. Here's something that should help:


Master and Commander
I've reviewed this movie before, not that anyone would remember since it was a long time ago and honestly, how much do you really remember about my blogs? How much do you remember about what you had for lunch yesterday even? I'm reviewing this again because I saw it on Blu-Ray, and wow. "Master and Commander" blew me away last time I saw it, but this was an entirely new experience.
I re-rented it on blu-ray because there were a few scenes that I thought would really stand out. The naval battles were cool to watch on my little 27-inch TV, so I thought they should look cool on my 40-inch in blu-ray quality. I was right and then some. The very opening scene had me convinced that renting this movie was the right choice, and it might even be worth buying. The imagery was astounding, the sound was incredible, and that doesn't even get into the acting or story.
Russell Crowe's had his share of controversy, but I have to say this is one of his best roles. He doesn't say much, but you can tell that he was really into this part. He IS the captain of that ship. Everyone had great and commendable parts, but Crowe stood out to me. So did the little blonde kid. I have no idea who he is (look it up if you want, I'm on a roll here and I don't feel like it). I hope he can keep that skill level up, if he does he's going to make a great actor when he grows up. The thing that really stood out to me was that you could just tell this movie was fun to make. Everyone obviously had a blast, and can you blame them? Imagine spending months on an old ass ship... sure you're not REALLY sailing anywhere, but does that matter? It's the experience. The fighting, the yelling, the storm scenes... awesome. If anyone's wondering what to get me for my birthday, I want a giant wooden ship to sail around the world in an fire cannons out of. What a life.
If you have a blu-ray player, you owe it to yourself to rent this movie. Just watch it. It's not the fastest-moving or most interesting film you'll ever see, but I guarantee if you stick with it, it'll stick with you. Ooooh I like that.

Charlie Bartlett
I have no idea where this movie came from or how it ended up in my Netflix Queue, but there it was, and overall I'm glad I got it. My thinking is that it came up when I added something with Robert Downy Junior in it, since he's pretty much the only actor I recognize. The chick has also been in a few movies, but she's not talented (or hot) enough to make me rent a movie with her in it. The main kid was also kind of annoying... I'm not sure where they found him, but his voice needs to crack, like, yesterday. His acting was "meh," and since the whole movie revolved around him, that certainly didn't help things. It's like he almost got it, but not quite. Despite all of these shortcomings, I still enjoyed this movie. It had sort of a "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" feel to it... ha ha, remember that show? I remember one episode where the big dumb dude ("Moose," right?) takes the SAT and aces it because he filled in the bubbles to read "EAT NOW." Classic, classic stuff. Came on right after "My Two Dad's," if I'm not mistaken. But I digress... while "Bartlett" tried to be that type of a movie, it was a swing and a miss. Or maybe a foul ball. There were moments that I laughed, but I never related with any of the characters enough to care about their problems or how they were solved. Not even Robert Downy Jr. could save this one, though it seems like it was a bit of a therapeutic movie for him to make, if nothing else.
Do I recommend this movie? Unfortunately, I can't. There are just too many other better movies out there that tackle the same type of premise. If you're in the mood for a "rebellious student makes mockery of authority" movie, watch "Accepted." If you're looking for a deep movie about a kid with some serious problems, watch "Rushmore." If you think I'm full of shit or have some kind of sick obsession with Robert Downy Jr, well, I guess you should definitely check this one out.

Alright folks, so that's how it goes down. I'm always happy to read comments, so whether you want to tell me how awesome I am or you think I'm a 'tard, let me know. At least then I'll know someone's reading, right? Oh, and don't shake laserjet toner cartridges in the air. It might be funny while you're doing it, but when you're covered in ink later, it's no laughing matter.