Well, I thought moving over here would be better for me, but to be honest I'm really not happy here. So, after 20 minutes of trying to post today and then having my entire blog deleted, I've decided to return to Myspace.
So, to those of you who followed me from MySpace, I appreciate it but you can go back now. For those of you who found me on here and like what you see, my Myspace blogs are public, you can read them every week at http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=10071891&blogId=483686543
Tootles...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Shiver Me Timbers
What's the deal with pirates, anyway? Pirates used to be some of the coolest bad guys on the planet. They dressed funny, they talked funny, they drank a lot, and they beat people up for no reason (okay for money/loot and probably because they had mommy-issues, but let's not count those). They had beards. They had wooden legs. They had awesome birds that shouted profanities and probably spread disease with their poop-bombs. They terrorized the high seas and made even the most hearty captains quiver in their silly ninny-boots.
So what happened to them? No doubt you've seen the plethora of pirate attacks on ships off the coast of Africa lately. They've even grown ballsy enough to take over a coulpe of American ships. But these aren't the awesome pirates from the days of yore (or the days of "YAARRRRR!" as it were). No no. These pirates are stupid. You ever seen "Life Aquatic?" THOSE kinds of pirates. They show up in an air-filled raft, and instead of firing cannons and demanding loot, they jump on the ship with uzis and start shooting at innocent people. Where's the fun in that?
I propose two things: first off, let's not call them pirates. Let's call them terrorists, since that's really what they are. No self-respecting pirate would be able to live knowing that these assholes have taken their name in vain like this. Second, we have a huge and quite powerful navy that's kind of looking for stuff to do, right? I mean we beefed them up for Iraq and Afghanistan, but neither country really has much of a navy, am I right? I think it would be completely awesome if we sent out Navy over there completely armed, and just filled that entire section of the ocean with our military might. Let's see these so-called "pirates" try to stand up to THAT on a day to day basis. It'd be fun to watch our huge cannons blowing these silly little pirate rafts out of the water, and it would give our soldiers something to do.
Sigh. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?
I Hope You Learned Your Lesson
Europeans are stupid. And yeah James I know you're over there, so spread the word. They don't know how to govern, they let crazy politicians come to power and don't do anything about it, and (perhaps worst of all), they don't have very good fences at their zoos. At least, the fences aren't good enough to keep some some crazy German lady from jumping over them and into a fucking polar bear enclosure.
That's right, this bitch (who I'm sure was completely sober and had no drugs in her body) decided that she should become humanity's ambassador into the Polar Bear kingdom. So what happened? She got the shit kicked/bit/scratched out of her, of course. But believe it or not, that's not what has me pissed. I actually applaud this woman for having the guts to climb into a polar bear enclosure. Sure she's 100% insane, but at least she has the conviction to follow through on her insane ideas.
No, what pisses me off here is the fact that they actually rescued her. Why? Why would people waste their time trying to save some woman who obviously has little to contribute to society other than putting on a good show trying to fight off a polar bear? This sounds heartless I know, but as far as I care it serves her right. And this is only part of a MUCH bigger problem that we've all stumbled into.
Take Hurricane Ike, for example. Hurricanes aren't like earthquakes, usually you know they're coming. So when Ike was barreling toward Houston (I used that line in a promo, by the way), several people in Galveston and along the coast decided they would stay and "tough it out." Stupid choice, but I have to say that I can understand where they're coming from. During Rita's evacuation fiasco, I sat at home and got drunk. I felt better knowing I would be there to protect my home from the hurricane and looters than trying to run away. BUT, the difference is, if things did hit the fan, I would NOT expect to be rescued. And that, my friends, is the problem. Most of these people who stay behind then get pissed because it took so long to rescue them. Well guess what? It SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU MORON. You've got a hurricane half the size of Texas heading right for you, and you're going to sit at your beach house and watch the waves lap at the shore (or completely destroy you). Stay or go, that's your choice. But if you do stay, don't expect anyone else to risk his life to try to save yours. You made the decision, you need to live with the consequences.
But back to this woman, I guess the rescuers were obligated since there was a crowd and children and blah blah blah. What they should have done is arrest this nutty lady, and then once the zoo closes, throw her ass back in there. Or maybe just dangle her right out of Polar-Bear reach so that she'll get the idea that these are not friendly animals, and she's a complete idiot for thinking they are.
Congrats, You Failed.
This week's Early Show atrocity came hard and came early. Monday I think it was, they had a story about this woman who was throwing a wild party. But it wasn't her birthday, she didn't win any kind of award or anything. No, this was a divorce party. That's right, this lady had a bunch of her friends come over to celebrate her divorce.
Some of the highlights of the party included a dartboard with her ex-husband's picture on the bullseye, lots of booze and silly drunk people, and oh yeah, severely covered up depression. This has to be one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in my life. What kind of world do we live in where marriage is so meaningless that we party once it's over? There's a reason they call marriage marriage: it's more than a relationship, it's a binding agreement. It involves you and your husband/wife, and maybe a kid or two as well. This is selfishness at it worst.
But let's set that aside for a second. Divorce is the ultimate admittal that you and your significant other are both failures. You couldn't even manage to get along well enough to live in the same house. Don't get me wrong, I do think divorce is an important option. There are way too many couples out there where someone's getting abused or where it would actually be better for the kids to not have to see both parents and the way they act toward one another. But to CELEBRATE a divorce? You've got to be kidding me.
I really hope this woman never finds love again. I hope she grows old single and bitter and cynical. She doesn't deserve it, and neither does anyone else who looks at divorce as a "hooray" moment. And, of course, shame on The Early Show for even giving this attention. The only way something like this should come up in the media is as an editorial, preferably one fronted by Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh... or maybe as a joke. Jon Stewart would have a field day with this one.
I'm gonna be completely honest with you here. Our world is fucked up right now, and it's getting worse every day. For those of you thinking about having kids, think really hard. There are SO MANY bad influences, you've got to be ready for some serious challenges down the road. It's actually kind of scary.
Death Race
Here's a movie that knows what it is. You don't go into this one expecting a lot of groundbreaking dialogue or an emotional story. You go into this looking for violence, explosions, and a lot of weirdly buff people punching each other in the face. At least, that's what I expected when I put this movie in. Maybe I should approach more movies with low/no expectations, because I was actually surprised by this one.
No there wasn't any deep dialogue, and I didn't cry at the end. But I was surprised by the amount of well-produced action and violence there was in this movie. Sure it was full of cheese, but come on, look at what this movie is. It was well shot and edited, and the special effects were also pretty good (and I think real, for the most part). They didn't shy away from gore or gritty violence, which I actually found surprising (it seems like most movies now are striving for that magical PG-13 rating, seriously, what is this world coming to?).
Nothing fancy here. If you're looking for the next "Slumdog," you've come to the wrong place. But if you like a lot of exploding shit, a lot of people getting killed and thrown out of cars moving at 100mph, etc... well, you've come to the right place.
So what happened to them? No doubt you've seen the plethora of pirate attacks on ships off the coast of Africa lately. They've even grown ballsy enough to take over a coulpe of American ships. But these aren't the awesome pirates from the days of yore (or the days of "YAARRRRR!" as it were). No no. These pirates are stupid. You ever seen "Life Aquatic?" THOSE kinds of pirates. They show up in an air-filled raft, and instead of firing cannons and demanding loot, they jump on the ship with uzis and start shooting at innocent people. Where's the fun in that?
I propose two things: first off, let's not call them pirates. Let's call them terrorists, since that's really what they are. No self-respecting pirate would be able to live knowing that these assholes have taken their name in vain like this. Second, we have a huge and quite powerful navy that's kind of looking for stuff to do, right? I mean we beefed them up for Iraq and Afghanistan, but neither country really has much of a navy, am I right? I think it would be completely awesome if we sent out Navy over there completely armed, and just filled that entire section of the ocean with our military might. Let's see these so-called "pirates" try to stand up to THAT on a day to day basis. It'd be fun to watch our huge cannons blowing these silly little pirate rafts out of the water, and it would give our soldiers something to do.
Sigh. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?
I Hope You Learned Your Lesson
Europeans are stupid. And yeah James I know you're over there, so spread the word. They don't know how to govern, they let crazy politicians come to power and don't do anything about it, and (perhaps worst of all), they don't have very good fences at their zoos. At least, the fences aren't good enough to keep some some crazy German lady from jumping over them and into a fucking polar bear enclosure.
That's right, this bitch (who I'm sure was completely sober and had no drugs in her body) decided that she should become humanity's ambassador into the Polar Bear kingdom. So what happened? She got the shit kicked/bit/scratched out of her, of course. But believe it or not, that's not what has me pissed. I actually applaud this woman for having the guts to climb into a polar bear enclosure. Sure she's 100% insane, but at least she has the conviction to follow through on her insane ideas.
No, what pisses me off here is the fact that they actually rescued her. Why? Why would people waste their time trying to save some woman who obviously has little to contribute to society other than putting on a good show trying to fight off a polar bear? This sounds heartless I know, but as far as I care it serves her right. And this is only part of a MUCH bigger problem that we've all stumbled into.
Take Hurricane Ike, for example. Hurricanes aren't like earthquakes, usually you know they're coming. So when Ike was barreling toward Houston (I used that line in a promo, by the way), several people in Galveston and along the coast decided they would stay and "tough it out." Stupid choice, but I have to say that I can understand where they're coming from. During Rita's evacuation fiasco, I sat at home and got drunk. I felt better knowing I would be there to protect my home from the hurricane and looters than trying to run away. BUT, the difference is, if things did hit the fan, I would NOT expect to be rescued. And that, my friends, is the problem. Most of these people who stay behind then get pissed because it took so long to rescue them. Well guess what? It SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU MORON. You've got a hurricane half the size of Texas heading right for you, and you're going to sit at your beach house and watch the waves lap at the shore (or completely destroy you). Stay or go, that's your choice. But if you do stay, don't expect anyone else to risk his life to try to save yours. You made the decision, you need to live with the consequences.
But back to this woman, I guess the rescuers were obligated since there was a crowd and children and blah blah blah. What they should have done is arrest this nutty lady, and then once the zoo closes, throw her ass back in there. Or maybe just dangle her right out of Polar-Bear reach so that she'll get the idea that these are not friendly animals, and she's a complete idiot for thinking they are.
Congrats, You Failed.
This week's Early Show atrocity came hard and came early. Monday I think it was, they had a story about this woman who was throwing a wild party. But it wasn't her birthday, she didn't win any kind of award or anything. No, this was a divorce party. That's right, this lady had a bunch of her friends come over to celebrate her divorce.
Some of the highlights of the party included a dartboard with her ex-husband's picture on the bullseye, lots of booze and silly drunk people, and oh yeah, severely covered up depression. This has to be one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in my life. What kind of world do we live in where marriage is so meaningless that we party once it's over? There's a reason they call marriage marriage: it's more than a relationship, it's a binding agreement. It involves you and your husband/wife, and maybe a kid or two as well. This is selfishness at it worst.
But let's set that aside for a second. Divorce is the ultimate admittal that you and your significant other are both failures. You couldn't even manage to get along well enough to live in the same house. Don't get me wrong, I do think divorce is an important option. There are way too many couples out there where someone's getting abused or where it would actually be better for the kids to not have to see both parents and the way they act toward one another. But to CELEBRATE a divorce? You've got to be kidding me.
I really hope this woman never finds love again. I hope she grows old single and bitter and cynical. She doesn't deserve it, and neither does anyone else who looks at divorce as a "hooray" moment. And, of course, shame on The Early Show for even giving this attention. The only way something like this should come up in the media is as an editorial, preferably one fronted by Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh... or maybe as a joke. Jon Stewart would have a field day with this one.
I'm gonna be completely honest with you here. Our world is fucked up right now, and it's getting worse every day. For those of you thinking about having kids, think really hard. There are SO MANY bad influences, you've got to be ready for some serious challenges down the road. It's actually kind of scary.
Death Race
Here's a movie that knows what it is. You don't go into this one expecting a lot of groundbreaking dialogue or an emotional story. You go into this looking for violence, explosions, and a lot of weirdly buff people punching each other in the face. At least, that's what I expected when I put this movie in. Maybe I should approach more movies with low/no expectations, because I was actually surprised by this one.
No there wasn't any deep dialogue, and I didn't cry at the end. But I was surprised by the amount of well-produced action and violence there was in this movie. Sure it was full of cheese, but come on, look at what this movie is. It was well shot and edited, and the special effects were also pretty good (and I think real, for the most part). They didn't shy away from gore or gritty violence, which I actually found surprising (it seems like most movies now are striving for that magical PG-13 rating, seriously, what is this world coming to?).
Nothing fancy here. If you're looking for the next "Slumdog," you've come to the wrong place. But if you like a lot of exploding shit, a lot of people getting killed and thrown out of cars moving at 100mph, etc... well, you've come to the right place.
I was driving into work the other day when I noticed a traffic sign on the side of the road. It read "WARNING: OBEY ALL TRAFFIC SIGNS." It occured to me that these are everywhere, you see them every day. But aren't they kind of ridiculous? I mean, if you're not paying attention to traffic signs, are you going to pay attention to this sign? Our tax dollars pay for this stuff people. Think about it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I Ate an Entire Bunny
Short week, early entry. Hope everyone's planning to have a good Easter, though if you're here in Houston it could get pretty nasty. Weather-wise, not dead-bunny-on-the-side-of-the-road-wise. Unless you run over a bunny. Anyway, I'm still kinda trying to figure out this whole Blogger business, and to be honest I'm not sure if I'm going to stay over here. I tried to sign up for this tracking thing so I can figure out if anyone's even reading these, but I don't think it's giving me accurate results. Hey, maybe this week if you read, leave me a comment just to let me know you were here, and, you know, to make me feel wanted.
Nanu-Nanu
So the big nerd news this week is that NASA is have a space orgasm over the fact that they're getting ready to launch this new satellite whose sole purpose is to look for planets in our galaxy that can support life. Wow that was a long sentence. Yeah, I guess this satellite is going to scan the stars and look for planets that are in the "sweet spot" like Earth. Of course I find this ridiculous, or else I wouldn't be writing about it...
How the hell does NASA know what this "sweet spot" is? We know what it is for us, but for all we know the aliens who are out there are breathing cyanide and pooping hydraulic acid. Maybe their skin is made of metal, or maybe they don't have bodies at all. When it really comes down to it, NASA is a great example of wasted time, effort, and money. Sure they invented velcro, but what else have they REALLY accomplished? They supposedly landed someone on the moon. Big deal, we knew there was nothing there before we did it. We managed to get something made of tin-foil to fly in a vacuum. Great, that was worth billions of tax dollars. And recently we've been able to put a school bus into space where sick people can pee in a jar and try to convert it to water. Do you really have to be in space to do that? Really?
Hey, what if we go through all this trouble looking for life, only to discover that WE are in fact the most advanced life forms in our galaxy? How crazy would that be? "Well how do you explain all those UFO sightings then, Mr. Bobby?" Shut up. No check this out: what if those "aliens" we're seeing are really US in the future. Hear me out. Everyone who sees these aliens has a similar story. Short scrawny little dudes with big eyes and big weird heads. They don't talk, they communicate telepathically. Is it really so hard to believe that it couldn't be humanity in a few thousand years? We're already heading in that direction. We sit in cubicles or offices or on computers all day long. We don't get out in the sun like we used to (because it causes "cancer" or whatever), so over time our skin could conceivably lose its pigmentation. Look at the kids nowadays... my sister can go an entire day without saying a word, all you hear is the "click click click" of her thumbs beating up her cell phone with text messages. If humanity stays on this track, it won't be long before talking is not the preferred form of communication anymore. So we start shrinking because we have no need to work out, and our mouths go away because we don't talk anymore. Maybe we don't become telepathic, but maybe we just install little cell phones in our brains so we can "brain text" constantly? Next question: why would we bother travelling back in time? Well, why not? What other species in the history of this planet has ever been a big enough asshole to go to a creature's natural habitat, grab it, and drop it into a cage somewhere? No one. We assume aliens would do this, because WE would do it to THEM if we had the chance. Try THAT hat on for size.
Alright, I'll admit this is all a little far-fetched... I'm just saying it's possible. At least as possible that some aliens from the other side of the galaxy have nothing better to do than come screw with rednecks and crazy ex-military people.
Hate the Play-Time, not the Playa
We ran a story the other day about how there's apparently a big battle going on over recess at schools. I guess some parents felt like their kids weren't getting enough recess, so they asked to make it mandatory for all schools. Sounds great, right? I wish my parents were cool enough to fight for more recess... lord knows I was. But here's the part that makes me laugh: suddenly out of the shadows come all these other parents who are pissed because there's any kind of recess at all!
I don't really know the specifics of their argument because I tend to not listen to people who are that stupid anyway... but I assume their argument has something to do with how recess takes away from the education of our kids, and because kids play games like tag or soccer, where there are winners and losers (UNACCEPTABLE!), or some other weak sauce like that. But the bottom line is, kids NEED recess.
Recess doesn't just serve as a reminder to kids of just how lame school is, it also teaches them valuable life lessons. If you give Mary a flower, she might kiss you. Translation: buy your chick nice stuff and she won't cheat on you. If you lose in soccer, play harder next time and maybe you'll win. Translation: if you don't get that job, try harder and tuck in your fucking shirt next time you slob. If you punch Billy in the face in front of a teacher, you get time out (but if you do it behind the tree, no one can prove anything and Billy could just as easily be lying). Translation: don't hit on that cute girl at the bar while her boyfriend is around, wait until he goes to the bathroom and then if things go south you can just be like "that bitch is CRAZY!"
Recess needs to stay. Seriously, it does. We're at a very pivotal point right now in kids' education. We've already changed the lives of kids forever by trying to ingrain in their mind that there are never "losers" in life, and there's medicine for everything (more on this later)... let's not ruin it further by taking away from them the fact that life can still be fun even in the middle of a boring ass day of science labs and math problems. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN DAMMIT!
Fatty Fat Fatkin
This week's CBS Early Show atrocity: Diagnosing Obesity in kids under the age of 4. 4! It's bad enough that we're calling little kids fat, now we're going after babies too? Hey, I'm not a parent and I'm not really that bright when it comes to this whole "kid" thing, but uh, aren't babies SUPPOSED to be fat? Every time a family member has a baby and brings him/her to the family gathering, all the women are all like "aw look how pudgy his little legs are! He looks just like his daddy!" and all the men are like "I'm going to get another beer." How can anyone diagnose a four year old kid as "obese?"
I weighed 8lbs when I was born. Not huge, but by no means a "small" baby. So was I "obese?" No. In fact there wasn't even a consideration for that. But then doctors figured out that they could use big weird words to scare the shit out of parents, and they started what has become in my opinion the biggest problem of this generation: over-diagnosis. Turn on the TV. Go ahead, go turn it on. Or if you're at work or whatever, go to any website (except Google which is still cool enough to not run ads). Chances are, you're going to see at least one ad for some time of medication. And chances are, there are so many side effects listed that you don't even know what the medicine actually treats. Seriously, I was taking a crap at my mom's the other day and there was a reader's digest over there, so I looked inside and there was an ad for some kind of pill... but after the ad were PAGES of side effects and warnings. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember when kids were hyper? All kids are hyper, they have energy, it's part of being a kid. But now it's not them being hyper, it's them being ADD. Fuck that. Got a sore back? Might be some kind of arthritis... better take this pill. Sure it'll give you ulcers, but when that happens you just take this other pill. Oh, except that one can give you heart palpatations, better take this one. Be ready though, because the side effects include an uncontrollable urge to gamble. There's no pill for that, since it involves you throwing your money away.
Which takes us to the point: doctors, pharmaceutical companies, the government, whoever you want to blame... the medical industry has finally figured out how to insure it's future and bleed americans dry. With FEAR. They've got us all so worked up that we diagnose every little thing that goes wrong (with us AND our loved ones). Don't get me wrong, doctors are important, and sometimes they even come up with some pretty smart ideas. But there's a seedy underside to the medical industry, and unfortunately that's the one we're seeing more of these days. I remember the first time I saw one of those medical commercials with all kinds of side effects listed... I thought "this can't last." I was WAY wrong. Now those are some of the most highly-produced spots on television. They hire decent actors to pretend like everyone has a conversation about Plavix on the baseball field, or it's totally okay for medical students to tell their professor about the side effects of Ambien (bitch as if the prof didn't already know!)
It's getting out of hand, but it's not going to stop until we as a society stop freaking out about everything. I have a newsflash for you: we're all going to die. It'll happen one day, and NOTHING you can do will stop it. You can take pills every day as long as you're on this planet, but you're not going to live a day longer than you're supposed to. So why not try enjoying life instead of worrying about every little thing? So your back hurts, do stretches. So you're having trouble going to sleep. Figure out something else to do until you get tired. Stop letting these assholes tell you you're messed up and take your money. Stop calling babies fat or obese, and start raising them to be good people. Punch your pharmacist in the face. Whatever makes you feel good...
Check it out... because I'm such an awesome guy, I'm going to start making all the titles for movie reviews into links, so you can check out the imdb page and actually read VALUABLE information on those movies. But still read my reviews, I work hard on them...
The Promotion
Here's a movie that completely slipped under the radar. And wouldn't you know it... it's actually pretty good. Two dudes who both have miserable lives working at a grocery store, both trying to move up, and both competing for the same job. Comedy gold, right?
Actually, what you wind up with in this movie is a kind of sad and totally close to realistic view of just what it's like working in a shithole like a grocery store. Maybe that's why this movie hit home for me... I spent six years of my life miserable, working in a pet store. Do you have any idea what it's like working in a spot where not only are you smarter than your boss... you're smarter than her boss, her boss' boss, and probably a good 75% of the company? It's brutal. And while it's hilarious to watch people suffer from the outside, it's complete hell when you're actually in it.
I think this is one of those movies that everyone NEEDS to see. Sure it's good and entertaining (and a complete departure for some of the actors who are in it), but it's also a nice look at what life is like for these people. Maybe after seeing this movie, you'll think twice about yelling at that mildly retarded cashier who can't remember the sku# for celery, or you'll actually clean up after your dog after he shits all over the fish aisle, instead of just assuming the pet store guy will do it with a smile on his face. Yeah assholes, I'm talking to all of you. You were lucky enough to get out of having to go through years of retail torture... but getting perspective from watching this movie will be the next best thing.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Here's what I thought when I popped this movie into my DVD player: "ah, a movie starring that scrawny kid from Superbad, and the weird looking chick from Charlie Bartlett... no doubt both of them will be playing the same roles they always do, and it's a movie about music so no doubt there will be lots of arguments over who has a better sound (one of my biggest movie pet-peeves)." But for some reason, I popped it in anyway. I'm glad I did.
I realize I may be one of the only people on the planet who hadn't seen this movie until this week, but who cares I'm reviewing it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was actually a pretty charming little movie about high schoolers who think they're grownups and have no idea just how stupid or immature they're acting. I enjoyed it. Really. And there was only one music argument in the entire thing, which I can deal with. The Superbad kid was himself, but it's still funny so by all means continue. The Charlie Bartlett chick surprised me in that she wasn't quite as annoying. And I don't have any idea who the other chick was (the "hot" one), but she definitely had crazy eyes. In a good way. I'll stop here before I write anything that could be used against me in a court of law.
The music in this movie was fantastic. I'm sure that was a big concern for its creators... I'm sure they spent literally MINUTES going over the soundtrack, trying to figure out what would piss off the fewest people and still be good. Music fans are rabid, and if you leave out something they think should be in, it's the END man. I don't know shit about any of the bands or music that was in this movie, but I liked almost all of it. I also liked some of the more creative visuals... that barfy toilet was so realistic that I almost puked when I saw what happened (I won't ruin the fun). And the sex scene was done in a very creative and rather harmless way as well.
The only downside here was that I still couldn't get over just how ridiculous these kids acted. They got into every nightclub in the city, they bought drinks, they did drugs, and the Superbad kid left a hot and barely dressed girl in the middle of nowhere. In New York. In the middle of the night. I think this movie would have been a million times better had the kids been in college and the movie set in a little bit less weird city, like LA. Yeah. But I enjoyed it, and I think you will too. Thumbs up on this one.
Role Models
Wow, three for three this week. "Role Models" was another surprisingly good movie. This first struck me as a "Step Brothers" type movie. Great concept, but it would probably work better as an SNL skit than a full length movie. Luckily, I was wrong. This movie actually had a decent story, and some really funny moments as well.
First off, it was nice to see Stiffler back into a role he's more comfortable with (being Stiffler). And Paul Rudd has some of the greatest reactionary facial expressions I've ever seen. Read that last sentence again, check out how many big words I used. The kids were funny, but it was these two guys who made the movie work.
One thing I will say about this movie, and it's a complaint that I have about a LOT of movies coming out now. It just didn't feel like a "movie" to me. In my opinion, a good movie will really get you into it. "Tommy Boy" is a great movie, because you go on a hilarious journey with these guys. "SuperBad" was a great movie because a LOT happened in the course of a day. "Role Models" was enjoyable, but it fell short of greatness because the whole thing felt rushed. There was almost no character or plot development. Hell the movie is just over an hour long... what's up with that? I would say they probably left a lot on the cutting room floor, but I watched the unedited version. I wonder if they had waited another six months for this movie, fleshed it out a little more, maybe they could have really achieved comedy gold. Instead they'll have to settle for a few laughs and maybe a couple of quotable lines down the road. I'm giving this one a "meh."
Alright folks,that's gonna do it for me this week. Tune in next week for... well, I don't know. I'll think of something.
Nanu-Nanu
So the big nerd news this week is that NASA is have a space orgasm over the fact that they're getting ready to launch this new satellite whose sole purpose is to look for planets in our galaxy that can support life. Wow that was a long sentence. Yeah, I guess this satellite is going to scan the stars and look for planets that are in the "sweet spot" like Earth. Of course I find this ridiculous, or else I wouldn't be writing about it...
How the hell does NASA know what this "sweet spot" is? We know what it is for us, but for all we know the aliens who are out there are breathing cyanide and pooping hydraulic acid. Maybe their skin is made of metal, or maybe they don't have bodies at all. When it really comes down to it, NASA is a great example of wasted time, effort, and money. Sure they invented velcro, but what else have they REALLY accomplished? They supposedly landed someone on the moon. Big deal, we knew there was nothing there before we did it. We managed to get something made of tin-foil to fly in a vacuum. Great, that was worth billions of tax dollars. And recently we've been able to put a school bus into space where sick people can pee in a jar and try to convert it to water. Do you really have to be in space to do that? Really?
Hey, what if we go through all this trouble looking for life, only to discover that WE are in fact the most advanced life forms in our galaxy? How crazy would that be? "Well how do you explain all those UFO sightings then, Mr. Bobby?" Shut up. No check this out: what if those "aliens" we're seeing are really US in the future. Hear me out. Everyone who sees these aliens has a similar story. Short scrawny little dudes with big eyes and big weird heads. They don't talk, they communicate telepathically. Is it really so hard to believe that it couldn't be humanity in a few thousand years? We're already heading in that direction. We sit in cubicles or offices or on computers all day long. We don't get out in the sun like we used to (because it causes "cancer" or whatever), so over time our skin could conceivably lose its pigmentation. Look at the kids nowadays... my sister can go an entire day without saying a word, all you hear is the "click click click" of her thumbs beating up her cell phone with text messages. If humanity stays on this track, it won't be long before talking is not the preferred form of communication anymore. So we start shrinking because we have no need to work out, and our mouths go away because we don't talk anymore. Maybe we don't become telepathic, but maybe we just install little cell phones in our brains so we can "brain text" constantly? Next question: why would we bother travelling back in time? Well, why not? What other species in the history of this planet has ever been a big enough asshole to go to a creature's natural habitat, grab it, and drop it into a cage somewhere? No one. We assume aliens would do this, because WE would do it to THEM if we had the chance. Try THAT hat on for size.
Alright, I'll admit this is all a little far-fetched... I'm just saying it's possible. At least as possible that some aliens from the other side of the galaxy have nothing better to do than come screw with rednecks and crazy ex-military people.
Hate the Play-Time, not the Playa
We ran a story the other day about how there's apparently a big battle going on over recess at schools. I guess some parents felt like their kids weren't getting enough recess, so they asked to make it mandatory for all schools. Sounds great, right? I wish my parents were cool enough to fight for more recess... lord knows I was. But here's the part that makes me laugh: suddenly out of the shadows come all these other parents who are pissed because there's any kind of recess at all!
I don't really know the specifics of their argument because I tend to not listen to people who are that stupid anyway... but I assume their argument has something to do with how recess takes away from the education of our kids, and because kids play games like tag or soccer, where there are winners and losers (UNACCEPTABLE!), or some other weak sauce like that. But the bottom line is, kids NEED recess.
Recess doesn't just serve as a reminder to kids of just how lame school is, it also teaches them valuable life lessons. If you give Mary a flower, she might kiss you. Translation: buy your chick nice stuff and she won't cheat on you. If you lose in soccer, play harder next time and maybe you'll win. Translation: if you don't get that job, try harder and tuck in your fucking shirt next time you slob. If you punch Billy in the face in front of a teacher, you get time out (but if you do it behind the tree, no one can prove anything and Billy could just as easily be lying). Translation: don't hit on that cute girl at the bar while her boyfriend is around, wait until he goes to the bathroom and then if things go south you can just be like "that bitch is CRAZY!"
Recess needs to stay. Seriously, it does. We're at a very pivotal point right now in kids' education. We've already changed the lives of kids forever by trying to ingrain in their mind that there are never "losers" in life, and there's medicine for everything (more on this later)... let's not ruin it further by taking away from them the fact that life can still be fun even in the middle of a boring ass day of science labs and math problems. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN DAMMIT!
Fatty Fat Fatkin
This week's CBS Early Show atrocity: Diagnosing Obesity in kids under the age of 4. 4! It's bad enough that we're calling little kids fat, now we're going after babies too? Hey, I'm not a parent and I'm not really that bright when it comes to this whole "kid" thing, but uh, aren't babies SUPPOSED to be fat? Every time a family member has a baby and brings him/her to the family gathering, all the women are all like "aw look how pudgy his little legs are! He looks just like his daddy!" and all the men are like "I'm going to get another beer." How can anyone diagnose a four year old kid as "obese?"
I weighed 8lbs when I was born. Not huge, but by no means a "small" baby. So was I "obese?" No. In fact there wasn't even a consideration for that. But then doctors figured out that they could use big weird words to scare the shit out of parents, and they started what has become in my opinion the biggest problem of this generation: over-diagnosis. Turn on the TV. Go ahead, go turn it on. Or if you're at work or whatever, go to any website (except Google which is still cool enough to not run ads). Chances are, you're going to see at least one ad for some time of medication. And chances are, there are so many side effects listed that you don't even know what the medicine actually treats. Seriously, I was taking a crap at my mom's the other day and there was a reader's digest over there, so I looked inside and there was an ad for some kind of pill... but after the ad were PAGES of side effects and warnings. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember when kids were hyper? All kids are hyper, they have energy, it's part of being a kid. But now it's not them being hyper, it's them being ADD. Fuck that. Got a sore back? Might be some kind of arthritis... better take this pill. Sure it'll give you ulcers, but when that happens you just take this other pill. Oh, except that one can give you heart palpatations, better take this one. Be ready though, because the side effects include an uncontrollable urge to gamble. There's no pill for that, since it involves you throwing your money away.
Which takes us to the point: doctors, pharmaceutical companies, the government, whoever you want to blame... the medical industry has finally figured out how to insure it's future and bleed americans dry. With FEAR. They've got us all so worked up that we diagnose every little thing that goes wrong (with us AND our loved ones). Don't get me wrong, doctors are important, and sometimes they even come up with some pretty smart ideas. But there's a seedy underside to the medical industry, and unfortunately that's the one we're seeing more of these days. I remember the first time I saw one of those medical commercials with all kinds of side effects listed... I thought "this can't last." I was WAY wrong. Now those are some of the most highly-produced spots on television. They hire decent actors to pretend like everyone has a conversation about Plavix on the baseball field, or it's totally okay for medical students to tell their professor about the side effects of Ambien (bitch as if the prof didn't already know!)
It's getting out of hand, but it's not going to stop until we as a society stop freaking out about everything. I have a newsflash for you: we're all going to die. It'll happen one day, and NOTHING you can do will stop it. You can take pills every day as long as you're on this planet, but you're not going to live a day longer than you're supposed to. So why not try enjoying life instead of worrying about every little thing? So your back hurts, do stretches. So you're having trouble going to sleep. Figure out something else to do until you get tired. Stop letting these assholes tell you you're messed up and take your money. Stop calling babies fat or obese, and start raising them to be good people. Punch your pharmacist in the face. Whatever makes you feel good...
Check it out... because I'm such an awesome guy, I'm going to start making all the titles for movie reviews into links, so you can check out the imdb page and actually read VALUABLE information on those movies. But still read my reviews, I work hard on them...
The Promotion
Here's a movie that completely slipped under the radar. And wouldn't you know it... it's actually pretty good. Two dudes who both have miserable lives working at a grocery store, both trying to move up, and both competing for the same job. Comedy gold, right?
Actually, what you wind up with in this movie is a kind of sad and totally close to realistic view of just what it's like working in a shithole like a grocery store. Maybe that's why this movie hit home for me... I spent six years of my life miserable, working in a pet store. Do you have any idea what it's like working in a spot where not only are you smarter than your boss... you're smarter than her boss, her boss' boss, and probably a good 75% of the company? It's brutal. And while it's hilarious to watch people suffer from the outside, it's complete hell when you're actually in it.
I think this is one of those movies that everyone NEEDS to see. Sure it's good and entertaining (and a complete departure for some of the actors who are in it), but it's also a nice look at what life is like for these people. Maybe after seeing this movie, you'll think twice about yelling at that mildly retarded cashier who can't remember the sku# for celery, or you'll actually clean up after your dog after he shits all over the fish aisle, instead of just assuming the pet store guy will do it with a smile on his face. Yeah assholes, I'm talking to all of you. You were lucky enough to get out of having to go through years of retail torture... but getting perspective from watching this movie will be the next best thing.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Here's what I thought when I popped this movie into my DVD player: "ah, a movie starring that scrawny kid from Superbad, and the weird looking chick from Charlie Bartlett... no doubt both of them will be playing the same roles they always do, and it's a movie about music so no doubt there will be lots of arguments over who has a better sound (one of my biggest movie pet-peeves)." But for some reason, I popped it in anyway. I'm glad I did.
I realize I may be one of the only people on the planet who hadn't seen this movie until this week, but who cares I'm reviewing it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was actually a pretty charming little movie about high schoolers who think they're grownups and have no idea just how stupid or immature they're acting. I enjoyed it. Really. And there was only one music argument in the entire thing, which I can deal with. The Superbad kid was himself, but it's still funny so by all means continue. The Charlie Bartlett chick surprised me in that she wasn't quite as annoying. And I don't have any idea who the other chick was (the "hot" one), but she definitely had crazy eyes. In a good way. I'll stop here before I write anything that could be used against me in a court of law.
The music in this movie was fantastic. I'm sure that was a big concern for its creators... I'm sure they spent literally MINUTES going over the soundtrack, trying to figure out what would piss off the fewest people and still be good. Music fans are rabid, and if you leave out something they think should be in, it's the END man. I don't know shit about any of the bands or music that was in this movie, but I liked almost all of it. I also liked some of the more creative visuals... that barfy toilet was so realistic that I almost puked when I saw what happened (I won't ruin the fun). And the sex scene was done in a very creative and rather harmless way as well.
The only downside here was that I still couldn't get over just how ridiculous these kids acted. They got into every nightclub in the city, they bought drinks, they did drugs, and the Superbad kid left a hot and barely dressed girl in the middle of nowhere. In New York. In the middle of the night. I think this movie would have been a million times better had the kids been in college and the movie set in a little bit less weird city, like LA. Yeah. But I enjoyed it, and I think you will too. Thumbs up on this one.
Role Models
Wow, three for three this week. "Role Models" was another surprisingly good movie. This first struck me as a "Step Brothers" type movie. Great concept, but it would probably work better as an SNL skit than a full length movie. Luckily, I was wrong. This movie actually had a decent story, and some really funny moments as well.
First off, it was nice to see Stiffler back into a role he's more comfortable with (being Stiffler). And Paul Rudd has some of the greatest reactionary facial expressions I've ever seen. Read that last sentence again, check out how many big words I used. The kids were funny, but it was these two guys who made the movie work.
One thing I will say about this movie, and it's a complaint that I have about a LOT of movies coming out now. It just didn't feel like a "movie" to me. In my opinion, a good movie will really get you into it. "Tommy Boy" is a great movie, because you go on a hilarious journey with these guys. "SuperBad" was a great movie because a LOT happened in the course of a day. "Role Models" was enjoyable, but it fell short of greatness because the whole thing felt rushed. There was almost no character or plot development. Hell the movie is just over an hour long... what's up with that? I would say they probably left a lot on the cutting room floor, but I watched the unedited version. I wonder if they had waited another six months for this movie, fleshed it out a little more, maybe they could have really achieved comedy gold. Instead they'll have to settle for a few laughs and maybe a couple of quotable lines down the road. I'm giving this one a "meh."
Alright folks,that's gonna do it for me this week. Tune in next week for... well, I don't know. I'll think of something.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Ahh, a new post on the new blog... it feels nice and fresh. Kind of like when you get your car out of that fancy carwash that you have to actually get out of. You asked for the "new car smell," and even though it's painfully obvious that they accidentally sprayed "lemon" first and just covered it up, it's still a nice feeling. Hey, why do you have to get out of your car for those anyway? I bet it's because they electrify the inside of your car while it's on the conveyor belt... you know, to kill germs or whatever.
If you came here from Myspace, thanks for coming. Skip this paragraph. If you're new to this blog, then I guess I should let you in on what's going on here. Basically, as a promo producer, I write stuff every day that has to be crammed into 30 or 15 or even 04 seconds, and to be honest it's tiresome. Sometimes I just want to stretch my legs (fingers?), and so here's my chance. Chances are you're not going to find anything profound here. You probably won't learn anything. But you will get a movie review or two, and a rant here and there, and if you're really lucky I'll throw in a picture or two.
So, sit back and enjoy...
I'm a PC, and I'm an Idiot
Microsoft's new commercial campaign makes me sick. Not because I'm mad so much... more because it makes me embarassed for Microsoft. You've probly seen these:
Cute, right? WRONG. Microsoft went through a lot of trouble to find a four year old girl who can memorize a script, and I can only imagine the pain-staking process it took to teach her how to actually do what she's saying. IF she's actually doing it. But then they put together this nice little ad campaign that proceeded to insult 95% of the American Population.
"Aw come on, it's a little girl, how can you not like that?" How about this. A 35 year old man sees this commercial, thinks "hey that kid can do it, so can I." Then he comes to the crushing realization that he doesn't even know how to turn on a computer, much less plug a camera into it or make a slide show. Oh, I wish I could have seen the focus group testing on this one. Did nobody see this coming? Think about it like this: who's going to buy that PC? The cute little girl who somehow figured out how to make a slideshow without erasing the hard drive, or her Dad who now feels like a dumbass thanks to your commercial? Nice going Microsoft, another tick in the "stupid ideas" column for you.
Dumb Divas
Hey, while we're on the subject of little kids, here's another thing that is incredibly stupid and sad, yet all too real. And yeah, I'll admit that I got this from the CBS Early Show. They actually did something worthwhile this week. Apparently, there's a real issue with little girls who are pampering themselves. I'm talking about 8 year olds going to get their nails done, putting on makeup, etc etc. And this isn't some stupid little birthday party thing where they come pick you up in a ridiculous pink limo... this is the real deal. So now we're training our kids to make a big deal out of one of the most ridicuous things in our society. Real nice, I can't wait to see how this turns out. And you know, I wish I could say I feel bad for girls, but it's happening to guys too. I went to the Galleria the other day and walked by the Armani store. They always put huge pictures up of models wearing their clothes, and for the first time I honestly had to look closely to figure out which models were guys, and which ones were girls.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the fitted clothes and stuff. I've got pretty broad shoulders, so by the time I find a shirt that fits them, it's like I'm wearing a tent. So fitted is nice. But this goes beyond clothing, or even makeup. Our society is getting to the point now where women are no longer attractive unless their made of plastic and covered in paint. And our men are no longer allowed to be men. Used to be dudes could have beards and burp and fight and get muddy and chop down trees and fight pirates. Now that's all seen as ridiculous or immature, and the men are expected to be trim, clean, hairless, and scrawny. WEAK.
And so, I propose a return to the way things used to be, the way things SHOULD be. Women, stop trying to fix your problems with plastic surgery and a shit-ton of makeup. One of the most beautiful women I've ever met in my entire life doesn't wear a lot of makeup, and doesn't have any plastic surgery (that I know of). She's beautiful because of who she is, and the fact that she doesn't spend hours on her hair every day and doesn't worry herself sick about the clothes she's wearing is what makes her so unbearably attractive to me. And Men, have a little pride. Don't be afraid to have a hairy chest (REAL women prefer them), and stop wearing jeans that are so tight there's no way your package can fit. It's just sad. Look at yourself in the mirror, and don't be afraid to say I AM A MAN. Here's something that should help:
Master and Commander
I've reviewed this movie before, not that anyone would remember since it was a long time ago and honestly, how much do you really remember about my blogs? How much do you remember about what you had for lunch yesterday even? I'm reviewing this again because I saw it on Blu-Ray, and wow. "Master and Commander" blew me away last time I saw it, but this was an entirely new experience.
I re-rented it on blu-ray because there were a few scenes that I thought would really stand out. The naval battles were cool to watch on my little 27-inch TV, so I thought they should look cool on my 40-inch in blu-ray quality. I was right and then some. The very opening scene had me convinced that renting this movie was the right choice, and it might even be worth buying. The imagery was astounding, the sound was incredible, and that doesn't even get into the acting or story.
Russell Crowe's had his share of controversy, but I have to say this is one of his best roles. He doesn't say much, but you can tell that he was really into this part. He IS the captain of that ship. Everyone had great and commendable parts, but Crowe stood out to me. So did the little blonde kid. I have no idea who he is (look it up if you want, I'm on a roll here and I don't feel like it). I hope he can keep that skill level up, if he does he's going to make a great actor when he grows up. The thing that really stood out to me was that you could just tell this movie was fun to make. Everyone obviously had a blast, and can you blame them? Imagine spending months on an old ass ship... sure you're not REALLY sailing anywhere, but does that matter? It's the experience. The fighting, the yelling, the storm scenes... awesome. If anyone's wondering what to get me for my birthday, I want a giant wooden ship to sail around the world in an fire cannons out of. What a life.
If you have a blu-ray player, you owe it to yourself to rent this movie. Just watch it. It's not the fastest-moving or most interesting film you'll ever see, but I guarantee if you stick with it, it'll stick with you. Ooooh I like that.
Charlie Bartlett
I have no idea where this movie came from or how it ended up in my Netflix Queue, but there it was, and overall I'm glad I got it. My thinking is that it came up when I added something with Robert Downy Junior in it, since he's pretty much the only actor I recognize. The chick has also been in a few movies, but she's not talented (or hot) enough to make me rent a movie with her in it. The main kid was also kind of annoying... I'm not sure where they found him, but his voice needs to crack, like, yesterday. His acting was "meh," and since the whole movie revolved around him, that certainly didn't help things. It's like he almost got it, but not quite. Despite all of these shortcomings, I still enjoyed this movie. It had sort of a "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" feel to it... ha ha, remember that show? I remember one episode where the big dumb dude ("Moose," right?) takes the SAT and aces it because he filled in the bubbles to read "EAT NOW." Classic, classic stuff. Came on right after "My Two Dad's," if I'm not mistaken. But I digress... while "Bartlett" tried to be that type of a movie, it was a swing and a miss. Or maybe a foul ball. There were moments that I laughed, but I never related with any of the characters enough to care about their problems or how they were solved. Not even Robert Downy Jr. could save this one, though it seems like it was a bit of a therapeutic movie for him to make, if nothing else.
Do I recommend this movie? Unfortunately, I can't. There are just too many other better movies out there that tackle the same type of premise. If you're in the mood for a "rebellious student makes mockery of authority" movie, watch "Accepted." If you're looking for a deep movie about a kid with some serious problems, watch "Rushmore." If you think I'm full of shit or have some kind of sick obsession with Robert Downy Jr, well, I guess you should definitely check this one out.
Alright folks, so that's how it goes down. I'm always happy to read comments, so whether you want to tell me how awesome I am or you think I'm a 'tard, let me know. At least then I'll know someone's reading, right? Oh, and don't shake laserjet toner cartridges in the air. It might be funny while you're doing it, but when you're covered in ink later, it's no laughing matter.
If you came here from Myspace, thanks for coming. Skip this paragraph. If you're new to this blog, then I guess I should let you in on what's going on here. Basically, as a promo producer, I write stuff every day that has to be crammed into 30 or 15 or even 04 seconds, and to be honest it's tiresome. Sometimes I just want to stretch my legs (fingers?), and so here's my chance. Chances are you're not going to find anything profound here. You probably won't learn anything. But you will get a movie review or two, and a rant here and there, and if you're really lucky I'll throw in a picture or two.
So, sit back and enjoy...
I'm a PC, and I'm an Idiot
Microsoft's new commercial campaign makes me sick. Not because I'm mad so much... more because it makes me embarassed for Microsoft. You've probly seen these:
Cute, right? WRONG. Microsoft went through a lot of trouble to find a four year old girl who can memorize a script, and I can only imagine the pain-staking process it took to teach her how to actually do what she's saying. IF she's actually doing it. But then they put together this nice little ad campaign that proceeded to insult 95% of the American Population.
"Aw come on, it's a little girl, how can you not like that?" How about this. A 35 year old man sees this commercial, thinks "hey that kid can do it, so can I." Then he comes to the crushing realization that he doesn't even know how to turn on a computer, much less plug a camera into it or make a slide show. Oh, I wish I could have seen the focus group testing on this one. Did nobody see this coming? Think about it like this: who's going to buy that PC? The cute little girl who somehow figured out how to make a slideshow without erasing the hard drive, or her Dad who now feels like a dumbass thanks to your commercial? Nice going Microsoft, another tick in the "stupid ideas" column for you.
Dumb Divas
Hey, while we're on the subject of little kids, here's another thing that is incredibly stupid and sad, yet all too real. And yeah, I'll admit that I got this from the CBS Early Show. They actually did something worthwhile this week. Apparently, there's a real issue with little girls who are pampering themselves. I'm talking about 8 year olds going to get their nails done, putting on makeup, etc etc. And this isn't some stupid little birthday party thing where they come pick you up in a ridiculous pink limo... this is the real deal. So now we're training our kids to make a big deal out of one of the most ridicuous things in our society. Real nice, I can't wait to see how this turns out. And you know, I wish I could say I feel bad for girls, but it's happening to guys too. I went to the Galleria the other day and walked by the Armani store. They always put huge pictures up of models wearing their clothes, and for the first time I honestly had to look closely to figure out which models were guys, and which ones were girls.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the fitted clothes and stuff. I've got pretty broad shoulders, so by the time I find a shirt that fits them, it's like I'm wearing a tent. So fitted is nice. But this goes beyond clothing, or even makeup. Our society is getting to the point now where women are no longer attractive unless their made of plastic and covered in paint. And our men are no longer allowed to be men. Used to be dudes could have beards and burp and fight and get muddy and chop down trees and fight pirates. Now that's all seen as ridiculous or immature, and the men are expected to be trim, clean, hairless, and scrawny. WEAK.
And so, I propose a return to the way things used to be, the way things SHOULD be. Women, stop trying to fix your problems with plastic surgery and a shit-ton of makeup. One of the most beautiful women I've ever met in my entire life doesn't wear a lot of makeup, and doesn't have any plastic surgery (that I know of). She's beautiful because of who she is, and the fact that she doesn't spend hours on her hair every day and doesn't worry herself sick about the clothes she's wearing is what makes her so unbearably attractive to me. And Men, have a little pride. Don't be afraid to have a hairy chest (REAL women prefer them), and stop wearing jeans that are so tight there's no way your package can fit. It's just sad. Look at yourself in the mirror, and don't be afraid to say I AM A MAN. Here's something that should help:
Master and Commander
I've reviewed this movie before, not that anyone would remember since it was a long time ago and honestly, how much do you really remember about my blogs? How much do you remember about what you had for lunch yesterday even? I'm reviewing this again because I saw it on Blu-Ray, and wow. "Master and Commander" blew me away last time I saw it, but this was an entirely new experience.
I re-rented it on blu-ray because there were a few scenes that I thought would really stand out. The naval battles were cool to watch on my little 27-inch TV, so I thought they should look cool on my 40-inch in blu-ray quality. I was right and then some. The very opening scene had me convinced that renting this movie was the right choice, and it might even be worth buying. The imagery was astounding, the sound was incredible, and that doesn't even get into the acting or story.
Russell Crowe's had his share of controversy, but I have to say this is one of his best roles. He doesn't say much, but you can tell that he was really into this part. He IS the captain of that ship. Everyone had great and commendable parts, but Crowe stood out to me. So did the little blonde kid. I have no idea who he is (look it up if you want, I'm on a roll here and I don't feel like it). I hope he can keep that skill level up, if he does he's going to make a great actor when he grows up. The thing that really stood out to me was that you could just tell this movie was fun to make. Everyone obviously had a blast, and can you blame them? Imagine spending months on an old ass ship... sure you're not REALLY sailing anywhere, but does that matter? It's the experience. The fighting, the yelling, the storm scenes... awesome. If anyone's wondering what to get me for my birthday, I want a giant wooden ship to sail around the world in an fire cannons out of. What a life.
If you have a blu-ray player, you owe it to yourself to rent this movie. Just watch it. It's not the fastest-moving or most interesting film you'll ever see, but I guarantee if you stick with it, it'll stick with you. Ooooh I like that.
Charlie Bartlett
I have no idea where this movie came from or how it ended up in my Netflix Queue, but there it was, and overall I'm glad I got it. My thinking is that it came up when I added something with Robert Downy Junior in it, since he's pretty much the only actor I recognize. The chick has also been in a few movies, but she's not talented (or hot) enough to make me rent a movie with her in it. The main kid was also kind of annoying... I'm not sure where they found him, but his voice needs to crack, like, yesterday. His acting was "meh," and since the whole movie revolved around him, that certainly didn't help things. It's like he almost got it, but not quite. Despite all of these shortcomings, I still enjoyed this movie. It had sort of a "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" feel to it... ha ha, remember that show? I remember one episode where the big dumb dude ("Moose," right?) takes the SAT and aces it because he filled in the bubbles to read "EAT NOW." Classic, classic stuff. Came on right after "My Two Dad's," if I'm not mistaken. But I digress... while "Bartlett" tried to be that type of a movie, it was a swing and a miss. Or maybe a foul ball. There were moments that I laughed, but I never related with any of the characters enough to care about their problems or how they were solved. Not even Robert Downy Jr. could save this one, though it seems like it was a bit of a therapeutic movie for him to make, if nothing else.
Do I recommend this movie? Unfortunately, I can't. There are just too many other better movies out there that tackle the same type of premise. If you're in the mood for a "rebellious student makes mockery of authority" movie, watch "Accepted." If you're looking for a deep movie about a kid with some serious problems, watch "Rushmore." If you think I'm full of shit or have some kind of sick obsession with Robert Downy Jr, well, I guess you should definitely check this one out.
Alright folks, so that's how it goes down. I'm always happy to read comments, so whether you want to tell me how awesome I am or you think I'm a 'tard, let me know. At least then I'll know someone's reading, right? Oh, and don't shake laserjet toner cartridges in the air. It might be funny while you're doing it, but when you're covered in ink later, it's no laughing matter.
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