A Day Early and a Dollar Long

   Boy, you sure are lucky I'm such a nice guy.  I'm such a nice guy, in fact, that I'm gonna give you this one a day early.  That's right, count your blessings, since I'm sure you've just been waiting all week (hell, most of you probably longer) for this one.

Don't Apologize
   So the big story out of Afghanistan is this big new offensive we've launched to try to flush out a big old terrorist stronghold.  Let me clarify.  That was the big news, up until last week, when the new big story was all about how we recklessly bombed a city and killed a bunch of civillians.  At least, that's what the media would have you believe.  So here's our top general in Afghanistan, apologizing to the world for killing civillians in a warzone.  Way to go, America.
   PLEASE.  Please please PLEASE tell me you don't agree with this crap.  This is the biggest load of bullshit I've seen in a long, long time.  We're at WAR, people.  People die in wars.  Even civillians.  Remember when all those people died in the 9/11 bombings?  Or the embassy bombings of the past 20 years?  Yeah, most of them weren't soldiers.  The American Military goes to GREAT lengths, often putting our soldiers in ridiculous amounts of danger, just to be sure that civillians don't get killed.  And yet when an accident happens, we shit ourselves with anger and disbelief.  How could the military be so careless?  What were they thinking?  Maybe they were thinking that this is a war and these kinds of things do happen.
   Here's what war has become for americans: first, we plan our attack.  Then we have to announce to the entire world our plan, including intricate strategic details (what days we'll be attacking, what areas we'll be focusing on, etc).  Then we tell the enemy, so that they can either run away or at least get the civillians out of the area before we arrive.  (Can you imagine if the terrorists called you on September 9th and they were like "hey don't go to the World Trade Center on Septermber 11th, we're going to blow the shit out of it.  Oh, and don't fly on that day either because we're going to use airplanes.  Actually, here are the flight numbers, just so you know.")  Then once we're in the warzone, we're not allowed to shoot at ANYONE, unless they fire at us first.  I guess the thinking here is that a true american can take a bullet and just turn the other cheek.  I mean we're America, right?
   Wrong.  The result here is that when we arrive to the warzone, the enemy is fully prepared.  Have you seen the number of traps that were laid for our troops in that city in Afghanistan?  The soldiers know exactly where we're going to be, and when we're going to be there.  If our soldiers DO spot anyone, they have to just sit and look at them until they shoot at us before they can do anything.  The terrorists know exactly what we're planning to do, and yet despite this detailed information, they STILL don't move their civillians out... and that's part of the real problem here.
   Terrorists know how to fight America.  Despite yelling like idiots and living like animals, they are actually a pretty smart enemy.  They watched us in Vietnam, they watched us in Iraq.  They know the best way to beat America is to drag out the war as long as possible.  The icing on the cake is putting America in a position where they have to kill enemies.  Saddam Hussein was an expert at this.  He purposefully built hospitals and schools directly on top of missile silos.  The only way to kill terrorists, unfortunately, is to get at them through their civillian shields.  But how in the hell is that America's fault?  The fact that those civillians are killed should outrage all of us... but we should be pissed at the terrorists, NOT at our soldiers who are working their asses off to follow a million rules and still survive.  The other part of the problem here is the media coverage of these events.  The day these civillians were killed, that's all the information you got.  You didn't hear any kind of context.  You didn't hear that the soldiers may or may not have been using them as shields, you didn't hear that they were in an area where we warned that we would be attacking, you didn't hear how hard we tried to avoid them or how we were fed wrong intelligence by the very same civillians that we accidentally bombed.  No, here's your favorite (most likely biased) "journalist," telling you what a terrible atrocity has been committed against a people who basically could care less whether or not we survive.  And that's a best case scenario, MOST of them actually WANT us dead.
   I am so glad I'm not a military commander... I can't imagine what those poor bastards have to put up with.  You're expected to protect a country who doesn't want you to do what's needed to protect them.  Every move you make is scrutinized beyond belief, and every little slip-up puts your career on the line.  Meanwhile, you've got young, innocent kids running around trying to survive, fighting people who say their god wants us all dead, and you're responsible for them as well.  If I were a commander, it would be really hard for me not to just throw down my clipboard and say "screw it, and screw you Americans."  Let's go back to the hypothetical terrorist phone call about 9/11.  Say they called us and told us what they were going to do, and say for some reason we couldn't stop them.  Do you think we would allow people to go to the World Trade Center that day?  Do you think we'd let civillians get on airplanes?  I don't think so.  And this may sound brutal, but those civillians who were in that village or whatever we accidentally bombed... they knew we were coming, and they did nothing to move out.  They knew terrorists have been in their midst for years, and yet they do nothing to oust them.  They cry that America is this great big evil country who is ruining them, and then they harbor and protect the ONLY reason we're there to begin with (terrorists, dummy).
   As long as America maintains this double standard, we're never going to win this war, and we're never going to be safe.  This won't be the last time civillians get killed, but next time it happens maybe you should stop and think before writing your senator and bitching about what a terrible country we are.  Would you rather it be those civillians who knowingly protect terrorists, or our soldiers who wander into a trap because we told the enemy exactly where to set it?  Would you rather the bombs be accidentally falling on civillians over there, or purposefully falling on your neighbors and relatives?

Leaf it Alone
   Nissan has entered the green vehicle market.  Their first stab?  The "Nissan Leaf."  They sell it as the world's first plug-in, completely electric car.  The thing has two outlets to charge it, one that works at your house, one that uses a rapid, industrial strength electric current (which I guess will replace gas pumps in their little world of the future).  I has no engine, it has no radiator, no oil, no hoses, just a ton of batteries and wires.  Oh, and did I mention that it's ugly as sin?
   Why is that, anyway?  Why are all the most forward-thinking cars (the Prius, the Leaf, the Insight, etc) so damn fugly?  Don't give me that aerodynamics crap, that's not going to sell me for a minute.  Here's a little tid-bit for the automakers: unless you make the car look good, you're never going to achieve full market penetration.  There are way too many people out there who actually care about what their car looks like.  Sorry guys.
   Looks aside, though, I think the Leaf is a step in the right direction.  I'm still a big fan of hydrogen cars, but I think if we're going to go electric, then going completely electric makes more sense than some sort of hybrid gas-electric monster.  So congratulations Nissan, you've taken a minor step in the right direction.  However, I will never, EVER buy that ugly ass piece of shit car, and here's why: it's a money trap.  A car like that which relies on Lithium batteries is just a ticking timebomb for tons of money in upkeep and replacement parts.  Think about your cell phone, which is most likely (hopefully) powered by a lithium battery or two.  When you first got the phone, it lasted several days without charge.  You could talk, text, whatever, and the thing just held on forever.  Now, a year later, the thing barely holds a charge for a day, and if you talk on it, you get maybe what, 20 minutes before it starts squawking that it's going to die?  Now multiply the cost of a replacement battery for your phone (already about 40 bucks probably) by about a thousand.  That's how much it will cost you to replace the lithium ion batteries in your car when (not if) they stop holding a charge.
   Alright, so here's my solution.  This idea is so simple that it baffles me no one has come up with it.  But I know it will work, I just know it.  Maybe some of you smart engineer types can prove me wrong.  Go ahead, I dare you.  So here it is.  First, take a cool looking car, like, say, the 2008 Mazda 6.  Strip out the enging, radiator, oil tank, gas tank, hoses, everything.  Replace that with a few hundred pounds of batteries (which still weighs considerably less than the engine and all that crap).  Use the hood of the car to house the main stack, which houses an internal lithium battery that holds a charge and cannot be removed.  Now, on both sides, insert about a dozen "blade" batteries, each one replaceable and each one weighing about 20lbs.  This is the powerhouse for the entire car.
   The key here is the blades.  When you buy this new car, you're given a full compliment of blades for the vehicle, and an external charger which will charge, say, 6 extra blades at a time.  You can choose to buy extra blades when you get the car or pick them up at your local Wal-Mart or whatever.  The charger is portable so you can take it with you on road trips, and you can keep extra blades in it so when you get home from work and you've gone through two blades, you can just replace them with full ones and be ready to go.  The central stack within the car cannot be removed, but it will be charged by the blades and by regenerative braking, etc.  This central stack serves as an emergency power supply that can carry you, say, 60 miles or something (enough to get you to a charge station). 
   So the question is, why hasn't anyone come up with this idea yet?  Surely there are some people out there who are smarter than me... right?  If not we're in trouble.  The only thing I can think of is that car companies (being the assholes they are) are trying to figure out a way to keep gas stations in existence.  If your car can hold a charge for too long, you won't ever need to stop, and that elimates convenience store jobs (pointless though they may be).  Well, that mentality's gotta stop people.  I know it sucks to have people lose their jobs, but come on.  Isn't capitalism about pushing forward?

SaboToyota
   Speaking of capitalism, here's a peek into what I consider the dark and ugly side of the world's best economic system.  Toyota's one of the biggest, best, most reliable car companies in the world.  Suddenly they have a massive, dangerous recall, and now they're the subject of a criminal investigation by the US Government.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I believe that there's a very good chance that the government sabotaged Toyota.  Think I'm crazy?  Again, I think not.  See if you can follow me around the room here...
   This all started when the US Government made the MONUMENTAL mistake of dumping a shitload of money into GM, a company that should have failed long ago, and will still fail in the future.  This is the company that invented parts that wore out, forcing consumers to buy new and repeatedly (a method that cellphone manufacturers have perfected).  This is the company that has paid union workers ridiculous salaries for little or no work, and has continually churned out shittier and shittier vehicles for the past 20 some-odd years.  This is also the company that claimes to be "American," while most of their manufacturing is done in Mexico.  Awesome.  Okay, so the government in its infinite wisdom, pumps your tax dollars into this worthless company in order to revive it and continue the american spirit.
   The second problem came about when the government realized that GM was WAY worse off than they'd hoped.  Their cars are shit.  Their designs are shit.  The only real solution would be to scrap the whole company and start over from scratch.  Only it's too late to do that, since they've dumped all your money into getting the wheels rolling.  So they say "alright we're going to try for fuel efficiency, and we're going to go right at the biggest, baddest competition: Toyota.  Surely they won't be able to stand up to the US Government, right?  Well, surprise politicians, your wonderful business-sense pays off again.  Toyota is still slaughtering you in sales and quality, wiping the floor with you in profits, and you're beginning to look like a bunch of idiots even to the people who support you fully.
   And here's the "fix."  Set it up so that Toyotas suddenly come down with a fatal flaw.  Something so dangerous that the driver will literally be too scared to get behind the wheel.  Is it deadly?  Yup.  Even better.  Is it really so hard to believe?  All it takes is a certain amount of money going to a certain part manufacturer, a part manufacturer who probably won't mind cutting a few corners (except those bastards at Toyota make them keep up with standards).  Next thing you know, Toyota's got serious problems.
   Can I prove it's the government?  No of course not.  Neither can Toyota, apparently... which is sad, because Toyota is WAY more of an American car company than GM will ever be.  I'm making this prediction now: in less than 20 years, the government officials in charge of this sort of stuff right now will be at the center of an investigation.  This administration may be invincible right now, but it won't be that way forever.  Things will come to light, inquiries will be made, investigations will be carried out, and when the dust settles I bet you'll see (at least controversial) evidence that the government was involved in this recall.  Until then, I guess we'll just have to live with the satisfaction that their plan isn't going to work.  It's going to take much more than a recall for Toyota drivers to give up on their otherwise amazing vehicles.  And it would take an absolute miracle for them to give up their Toyotas for a piece of shit ride like GM makes every single day.

   Man we've covered some serious stuff today.  Alright here are a couple of quick movie reviews and then I'll leave you alone.

Bronson
   Charlie Bronson - not the actor - is Britain's most violent criminal.  He's also a complete and utter psychopath.  All the guy ever wanted to be was famous, but all he knew how to do was fight and break the law.  He found, though, that fighting in prison (after breaking the law) actually earned him some fame.  This of course only fueled his desire to gain more fame, so he fought more, etc etc.  This biography shows his life and explores his mind, in a "Clockwork Orange" alike that will definitely make your head spin.
   I'll admit, I saw this movie on the preview alone.  The preview for this movie is easily one of the best I've ever seen.  So much fighting, so much jail, so much yelling... how could this movie NOT be awesome?  Well, I was almost right.  I don't know if you've ever seen "Clockwork Orange," but if you haven't, don't.  Kubrick was one crazy bastard, but that movie was weird even by his standards.  "Bronson," thankfully, is not nearly as sick or perverted.  There is an uncomfortable amount of man-wang in this movie, but I guess it comes with the territory so whatareyagonnado.
   What interested me about this movie was not so much the story, not even so much the fighting, but just how nuts this guy is.  He achieved what he always wanted to achieve, though not in the way that anyone could have hoped.  It was also interesting to see Britains (too-lenient) prison system wiggle around trying to figure out what to do with this guy.  Finally in the end, they may have found a solution, but geeze it took a long time.  The acting was top-notch... I have no idea what the real Charlie Bronson is like, but if he's anything like this actor, he's definitely someone you want to have drinks with.  Just don't get drunk or you'll wind up with your ass kicked.
   This is one of those movies that's definitely not for everybody.  It's impressive how much work went into it, and a lot of the shooting, lighting, acting, etc is unique and interesting.  But if you're looking for an escape, or a movie where a dude beats up a bunch of other people, you're probably better off renting a real Charlie Bronson movie (might I recommend "Hard Times") than this interesting, but odd flick.

Sex Drive
   High school kids, who of course have nothing better to do than try to get laid, embark on a road trip in the hopes that one loser can find his balls, bone a chick, and become a man.  Of course, no road trip happens without all kinds of crazy shenannigans... throw in some tits and we got ourselves a movie.  At least, that's what I'm assuming the pre-production brainstorming session went like.  Of course there were probably plenty of pauses for bong hits and cocaine snorts, but hey... whatever it takes to be creative.
   Unfortunately, that's the biggest problem with this movie.  It's completely uncreative.  It's sick, it's dirty, it's got hot chicks.  It's NOT entertaining or funny (with a couple of exceptions).  "Superbad" stands on its own because it's funny and tells a good story.  "American Pie" stands on its own because of Stifler.  "Road Trip" stands on its own because of... well, Stifler I guess.  "Sex Drive" doesn't have anything close to these qualities.  It tries, don't get me wrong.  It has the asshole big brother (only funny character in the entire movie).  It has the hot chick who's "just a friend," and it has the too-cool-for-school guy who gets all the chicks.  Except wait, he's not hot, he's an extreme loser, and he dresses like a Weezer drop-out.  There's no way in hell that guy ever gets any chicks, and that's where it all starts to unravel.
   The story is bland (guy meets chick on the internet and wants to bang her, goes on road trip).  The characters are two-dimensional (Seth Green was one of the funniest guys in the movie, yeah it's that bad), and nothing makes any kind of sense.  Centering it around sex was actually the best thing they could've done, because then you at least have a chance at tricking high schoolers into the theatre, but I bet there was a lot more texting going on than actual watching of this movie.
   I rented the unrated version of this movie, but I switched over to the rated version after several warnings in the actual movie about not watching the unrated one first.  Still, after slogging through the rated R version, my curiosity got the best of me and I figured I'd give the unrated version at least a browse-through.  Think of a terrible movie.  Now think about making it worse by just cramming in random tits and wangs wherever you possibly can.  The 5 minutes of the unrated version I made it through were so ridiculous and so not funny, I turned it off.  No amount of boobs are worth that torture.  And torture is a great way to describe what you'll be going through if you watch this movie.  If you've seen it and you liked it, I don't want to hear about it.  In fact, I don't really want to be your friend.

   Until next time...

Bug Zapper

   Check this out.  They're actually using laser beams now to kill mosquitos.  Forget the bug zapper you hang up in the back yard, forget "Off."  Now you can set up a laser fortress surrounding your patio.  If the mosquitos don't give the correct password (which they can't because, I mean come on, mosquitos can't talk)... BLAMMO.
   This might be the coolest invention I've ever seen.

Schmolympics
   We're only a few days into the olympics, but already there's been  some great falls, some sweet rides, and a few surprises.  But as I sit here and watch a dude fall on his ass wearing a pink sweater (men's figure skating), I'm a little saddened, and I can't help but think that these olympics, while interesting, could certainly be better.  "But how?" you might ask... well lucky for you I'm an awesome kinda guy.  Here are just a few of the new or modified events I think would really breathe some new excitement into the Winter Olympics:
   Snow Dodge Ball: Have you seen that Coke commercial for the olympics where a piece of snow knocks the coke bottle out of the dudes hand and he starts world war 3: the snowball version?  Well why not make an event out of that?  Country Vs. Country in a snowball fight to the finish, with each country putting their strongest throwers forward.  Can you imagine MLB players launching iced-up snowballs into some French people?  That would be more fun to watch than curling.
   Explosive Curling: Speaking of curling, it's by far the most ridiculous event of the Winter Olympics.  This is the one where you see those guys running brooms across the ice really fast while this weird-shaped stone thing slides into position.  It's like a glorified version of shuffleboard, which isn't fun even to play (unless you're old or drunk), much less to watch.  So how do you make it more exciting?  Turn the stone thing into a BOMB.  Instead of scoring points depending on where you land it, you only have certain "safe zones" where the bomb disarms.  If you don't get it into the safe zone... well, this sport would have a high turnover.
   Biathalon Battle: The biathalon is easily one of the most demanding events of the winter olympics.  You've got these guys (and gals) cross-country skiing their asses off, and the only time they get to stop is to try to shoot these tiny targets with a sniper rifle.  While I do appreciate the fact that they get to shoot, I think this sport would be much more exciting if they were shooting at each other.  Think about it.  They wouldn't have to use live ammo, they could use taser bullets, so if you get hit, you're going to be down for the count at least for a little while.  Instead of having set positions to shoot, each person can stop whenever he or she wants.  The problem is, you only get 3 shots, and if you miss too bad.  So you've got to make it count.  I can imagine the end of these races would get pretty intense... but that's what really matters right?
   Downhill of Death: I hate to mess with the downhill, which is already one of the best sports in the Winter Olympics (especially this year... that jump at the end was insane!), but I think you can even improve this event.  Imagine the downhill, a little longer, and at strategic points along the track are competitors (say the skiiers who went beforehand) with giant snow-cannons trying to blow up the current downhill skiier!  So not only do you have the course to contend with, you could also receive a face full of slying snow at any given moment!  Awesome!  This might be overkill, but if the snow cannon thing wasn't good enough, you could also include trap doors, like if you ski over a certain spot the ground drops out and you fall.
   I could go on and on with this.  Why not add a ramp at the end of the luge/bobsled/skeleton run that launches the rider into powder?  Why not include Polar Bear Wrestling?  Even giving the ski jumpers small chutes or flaps (like flying squirrels) and having them steer through flaming hoops would be fun to watch (especially the mistakes).  So what do you think?  Any great event ideas?  Anyone even reading these anymore?  Leave a comment will ya?

Thanks for Flying
   I love America.  Only in America will a fatass who gets kicked off a plane for being too fat make headlines for a longer period of time than the latest changes to a healthcare plan that could affect us all.  What's that?  You missed "Clerks" director Kevin Smith being kicked off an airplane because he's too fat?  That's a shame, especially considering that it's more likely than not just a ploy for attention.  My favorite comment so far has been someone saying that Kevin Smith "tweets every time he shits."  Bravo, sir, you've highlighted the major downfall of humanity right now.  What's worse though, that he tweets, or that you know about it?  Hey Kevin Smith, how about instead of tweeting about your lardy ass, you try to make a movie that can live up to your first (and lowest-budget) effort?  That'd be nice.
   But I digress.  The point here is that I love America.  Why do I love America?  Hamburgers.  Chicks in Bikinis.  And the fact that we will change any number of things to accomidate your fat. Lazy. Ass.  Case in point, and once again I have to thank the CBS Early Show for coming up with an even dumber way of covering an already stupid story: when confronted with people getting kicked off airplanes for being too fat, do we suggest those people lose some weight?  No.  Do we suggest that they find an alternate way of traveling instead of sweating all over the plane and getting their rolls on other passengers?  Nope.  Instead, our greatest media minds question the airline industry, posing the very thoughtful and important question: are airplane seats too small?
   Now, I don't fly a whole helluva lot, but when I do, it's usually on those tiny Southwest 737s.  Their tight and packed full of people, kind of like a sardine can, but the seats are definitely large enough to fit me.  The bigger planes have even bigger seats, I know because I flew on a 757 once and it was glorious.  I think my favorite part about this is the way the Early Show folks did it.  They actually pulled some airplane seats into their studio, and put Harry Smith and Dave Price on either side of a large, unhappy woman, who I guess is claiming that there's no way airplane seats are big enough.
   Forget the fact that you're obscenely overweight.  Forget the fact that you have bigger problems than flying (such as your health).  The lovely american spirit says "why in the hell should I alter my life, why should I try to get in shape when you won't make your seats big enough to fit my fatass?  This is america dammit!
   You wanna know why the rest of the world hates us?  This is why.  Instead of parking and walking into the grocery store, we'll sit in our cars waiting for a front spot to open up.  By the time we finally park, we would have been in the store and on our merry way.  We get furious if we have to wait in the drive-thru lane for our $1 hamburger for more than 5 minutes.  That's a $1 hamburger, you can buy 10 of them if you want, and just a few thousand miles away people are killing each other over loaves of bread.  And, we eat and gorge and sit on our asses until we're so fat we can hardly move (Wall-E style), but then we expect everyone to accomidate us!
   Well I say enough.  Fat people, stop bitching and get off your asses.  Maybe it's good that you were kicked off the plane.  Walking would do you some good.  It's time for americans to take stock in what we have, and how lucky we are.  Even other top-of-the-world countries like China and England don't have anything compared to the conveniences we have.  And yet we want... no, we expect more.  I think it's time for a new ammendment to the constitution.  It's short, to the point, and very timely.  "NO FATTIES."

Medication of the Week
   Do your bones hurt?  Do you suffer from fibro... fibra... some kind of problem you can't spell or pronounce?  Well then, Lyrica MUST be for you!  The spot is painful.  Painful to watch (Ba-zing!)  This lady takes Lyrica, which allows her to do things like walk through a building, walk through a park, and get a cup of coffee.  Honestly how do they come up with the storylines for these?  Is it a bunch of ad-geeks sitting around a dark table with a brainstorming pad in front of them and ideas scribbled and scrawled all over it?  What could she do?  Go to the store?  No, too boring.  Feed some ducks?  Save that for the depression commercial.  Wait!  Wait I got it!  Buy... a cup... of COFFEE.  Genius!  It has nothing to do with the medication or the disease it treats... but brilliant!  Actually it is brilliant because it associates something you're addicted to (coffee) with a pill they want you to take.  So now when you think about coffee, maybe you'll think about Lyrica.
   Side effects looks like they mostly include swelling.  No big deal, right?  Oh, except that you might also not be able to breathe after taking it.  That's alright though, then you can just take some nasonex or something, for which the side effects are probably sore bones.  But that's why you take Lyrica.  What a lovely cycle of permanent medication you've now gotten yourself into!  Brilliant again!  Oh, and be sure whatever you do, for the love of all things holy do NOT operate heavy machinery until you know what Lyrica will do to you.  First off, if your bones hurt, I doubt operating heavy machinery is really your thing.  Second, what side effect could Lyrica possibly have that would screw with, say, a wrecking ball operator?  Does it give you an uncontrollable urge to knock down a building?  If so this is the most awesome medication ever.
   Don't take Lyrica.  It's a scam.  I guarantee you Lyrica is only the beginning.  Next thing you know you'll be on several other medications to treat those side effects, and to treat the side effects of the secondary meds... once you open this door, there's no turning back.  If your bones really do hurt, and if you don't operate heavy machinery, then the least you could do would be to use a generic instead.  Don't give any money to Lyrica, maybe then they won't be able to pay the overpriced budgets of terrible commercials like these.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
   The year is 1982.  The school is Ridgemont High.  The stoner is none other than the great Sean Penn.  It's senior year for some, freshman year for others, and all of them work in the food court at the local mall.  Fast Times follows the lives of several youngsters just trying to figure themselves out in this crazy, crazy, 80s world.
   Originally I wasn't going to review this movie, but I realized about a quarter of the way into it that I've never actually seen this entire movie end-to-end.  I guess I'd seen the beginning or middle parts here and there, and just pieced together the rest in my head.  Really Fast Times at Ridgemont High is exactly what it tries to be: a ridiculous high school graduation movie, a lot like the "American Pie" of the early 80s.
   My favorite part of this movie is Sean Penn.  I know he was young and willing to take any role offered to him, but you have to appreciate the wonderful irony that now a man who absolutely refuses a role unless it has some sort of social or political significance, at one point played a giant pothead who's most involved lines involved words like "gnarly."  Other than that outstanding little tidbit, this movie is pretty standard fare.  80s music, 80s clothing, 80s bikinis.  The main chick wasn't hot at all, but man her friend sure was.  Horny teens trying to get with each other, an After-School-Special pregnancy, you name it it's in there.
   So, should you watch it?  I guess you probably already have.  Everyone's seen this movie, right?  Well, if not, then you probably don't need to waste your time.  Unless you're a stoner or you grew up in California or you really really hate Sean Penn and want another reason to laugh at how ridiculous he is, there's really not a whole lot to see here.

Noises Off
   A play director storms out of the broadway theatre of his immensely successful play, worried sick that his cast is going to screw it up.  This perfectly sets the stage for a series of flashbacks, illustrating what the cast and crew had to go through to get to where they are now.  The flashbacks start with the first rehearsals, and then follow the trials and tribulations that the cast goes through on and offstage, falling in love, breaking up, hating each other, loving eachother, and just generally being confused.
   When I was a kid, my brothers and I made a clubhouse out of the toolshed add-on to the back of our garage.  My dad kept all his tools in the garage, except for the really dangerous stuff (like gasoline buckets and whatnot), so really this shed was a giant, non-ventilated wasps nest... but it was home.  We had some lawn chairs we'd scavenged from neighbors' trash heaps... we had a secret trap door that led to the garage (for escaping if needed), and we had a movie poster for "Noises Off," which was really risque at the time because it had Nicollete Sheridan in her underwear.  We had no idea what the movie was about or really that it was even a movie.
   Then the other day I was sitting here and I thought "wait a minute, I have Netflix now.  I'm renting that damn movie."  So I did.  And... it was not very entertaining at all.  A young Nicollette Sheridan does indeed strip down to her undees (several times), and it has some big names in it (John Ritter, Christopher Reeve, Michael Cain to name a few)... but the overall effect of this movie is just kind of bleh.  Don't get me wrong, from a technical standpoint, it's brilliant.  Really it's a series of one-take shots, shot much like you would shoot a play, with a TON of very meticulous choreography piecing everything together.  The timing here is really impeccable, I can't imagine the hell they went through to get it to work.  But they did, and it was seamless.
   However, what I (and who knows, maybe you) appreciate about this movie, is not what the layman will appreciate.  For every bit of impressive choreography, there was a lot of frustration, over-acting, and just general boredom.  This is definitely not a movie to rent or even watch... I pretty much knew that coming in, but I needed it to get some closure.  The tool shed was ripped down years ago, but that movie poster had stuck with me until just a couple nights ago.  Now I can rest in peace knowing that yep, it was pretty bad after all.

   Alright, so I would have had this earlier today for you, but some nutbag decided to catch his house on fire, and then fly his airplane into the friggin' IRS building in Austin.  What a psycho.  Later homies...

Shameless Plug (But Wait, There's More!)

   Alright I'll be quick about this, but I just wanted to let you all know that we've started a "KHOU Promotions" page on youtube.  We've been uploading some of our recent work and we're going to keep expanding it as time goes on.  It'd be great if you'd subscribe and give feedback on any of the spots that you like (or don't like).  Just do me a favor and keep it clean.
   While I'm on this kick, I just want to throw this out there and see if I get anything back.  Has anyone you know, or have you, had a direct experience where 11 News, or Gene Norman, or anyone in particular here at the station has had an impact on your life?  For example, we got an email from a lady thanking us for helping her during Hurricane Ike.  Not only was it nice, we were also able to create a promo centered around her that I thought came out really nice.  We're always looking for more opportunities like that, so if you know anyone can you drop me a line or leave a comment?  Thanks. 
   Alright enough of that... though I have to admit, all I really have this week are movies.  Oh well, here goes...

Deception
   A nerdy accountant who lives a lonely, single lifestyle, meets a cool lawyer who seems to have it all.  He of course becomes buddy buddy with the guy, but when his lawyer friend leaves the country ("accidentally" switching cell phones with the lawyer), things get a little crazy.  And, you guessed it, things aren't quite what they seem.
   I rented this movie because it had big names and slid under the radar.  Kind of like "Equilibrium," which, if you haven't seen it, is friggin' awesome.  So I'm thinking this movie has to be good, right?  Well, kinda.  I thought both McGregor and Jackman both did good enough jobs with their roles... my main problem with this movie was the story.  It was fairly predictable, and sort of forgettable.  A lot of the writing was shallow (and pedantic?), it didn't really feel like the writer knew his characters very well, if that makes sense.  Some of the lines felt tacked on, or cliche... like "oh here's a chance for me to show people that this character is MORE than just a surface-level asshole."  I'm not describing it very well, but you'd definitely understand if you saw it.
   The music, sound design, and directing weren't offensive in this movie.  There were some cool shots of luxurious offices emptied out while McGregor's character sat alone and toiled away at his boring work.  There were also some very attractive women in this movie, which I can't ever complain about, and the concept of the movie was very interesting and unique.
   Overall, it was a nice try by these guys.  Will it live forever, "Equilibrium" style?  I can't say it will... but is it worth two hours of your time?  Sure, why not?

Surrogates
   In a not-so-distant future, everyone lives their lives through robots called "Surrogates," which transmit the user's consciousness via headphones that you wear over your eyes instead of on your ears.  But this marvel of technology isn't without its downsides.  Why, even the creator of the Surrogates works against the company which he founded, saying they're not good for humanity.  There are also pockets of humans who refuse to use Surrogates, and they live in slum areas barely clinging to civilized life.  Enter Bruce Willis, an FBI agent, who discovers a conspiracy where Surrogates are being killed (and actually killing their users, which is new), so he embarks on a quest against all odds to find the killer and stop him BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
   Oh Brucey, you're breaking my heart.  I'm going to get into some spoilers here, so if you want to see this movie, you should skip this one.  You probably don't need to see this movie though, just fyi.  So this movie wasn't BAD, and I can see why Bruce Willis might be interested in the concept.  It's sort of an i-robot knockoff, and it's based on a comic book which I'm sure is pretty cool.  I was hoping for another "Fifth Element" gold mine here, so maybe my expectations were set too high, but this movie was definitely no "Fifth Element."
   First, the effects.  It was some impressive makeup work going on here, but I didn't really feel convinced that I was watching Robots instead of humans.  You could make the argument that the robots were SO lifelike that you couldn't distinguish, but I have a hard time believing that.  If the world hasn't modernized cars (there are several 2000-ish models in this movie) or changed our televisions, how the hell am I supposed to accept the fact that they can create completely life-like robots?  It comes across as laziness in my eyes, like the producers said "oh no one will notice that."  Maybe, but that's a big risk.  Take "I-Robot," for example, which integrated technology into existing stuff, and at least had me convinced that SOME changes had taken place to keep up with robot technology.
   Another big complaint I have is that this movie lacked personality.  Bruce Willis was very 2-dimensional, even when he wasn't a robot.  The story was predictable and lame, with almost no excitement and really no surprises.  The big bad guy was lame, and there was no real grand finale.  It just didn't feel like it was going anywhere, and there weren't even any twists to speak of.  Or maybe there were but I (and hopefully you) saw them coming... I dunno.
   What I hate about this movie is that it has so much potential.  This was a decent-to-good concept that, if handled right, could have been really, really interesting.  Instead it presented a lot of cool ideas, but never delved into any of them.  The movie was incredibly short, not sure why, and even the deleted scenes were pretty pointless.  If you are going to watch this movie, go in with low expectations and you might be alright.  Otherwise, pass.

Liberation
   A documentary that uses "never-before-seen footage" to shed new light on the terror that was the Holocaust during World War 2.  It's got some great narrators, including Ben Kingsley, Whoopi Goldberg, and Patrick Stewart.
   And there's why I rented this movie.  Patrick Stewart can narrate how to churn butter and I'd watch it.  That guy is just awesome.  However, I did not finish this documentary.  True, the DVD was scratched and wouldn't play more than the first half, but I was kind of fading out of it by that point anyway.  The main problem with this documentary is that it's not what it sells itself to be.  Sure the holocaust is mentioned, and the footage I saw may or may not have been "never-before-seen," but in the end this was just another World War 2 documentary.  Boring, same-old same-old, and almost no narration from Mr. Stewart.  Or is it "Sir" Stewart now?  Anyway, I've seen better stuff on the History Channel, so don't waste your time with this one.

The Girl Next Door
   A nerdy guy in his senior year of college starts to reflect on life.  With his high school years almost behind him, he really doesn't have anything memorable to move on with.  He's pushing for a big scholarship in school, and he's got a couple of (also nerdy) friends, but secretly he wishes for more.  He wishes for the life of the jocks, the popular kids, the people he mockes openly he secretly admires.  But he also lives with the depression of knowing he'll never achieve that status.  Enter the Girl Next Door, who's smokin' hot, and who changes everything for this kid and his friends.  Of course, there's more to her than meets the eye, and all sorts of shenannigans ensue.
   I had SUCH high hopes for this movie.  The first 45 minutes or so were the stuff dreams are made of.  Lame, but in a lot of ways I identified with this kid.  I could understand you wanting to have something you could look back on and be happy about, and I think it's kind of every guy's dream to have a ridiculously hot girl move in next door, one who actually likes him.  I sat on my couch with a huge smile on my face watching this movie unfold, the slow-mo dreamy sequences, the expressions on this kids face when he couldn't believe his luck.  I remember thinking "oh this is going to be awesome."
   And then it all comes crashing down.  Spoiler but who cares: turns out this chick is an ex-porn star.  Naturally the high school kid doesn't know how to handle this, so he starts acting like a dork, and then the porn star agent comes into play and starts screwing everything up.  Blah blah blah, the movie lost all of its magic for me at that moment.  Sure it may be more realistic, but I don't think they should have gone for realism here.  It almost, ALMOST degrades down to the level of a typicall high school senior movie like "American Pie," only redeeming itself at the very end.
   So should you see this movie?  I don't know.  I mean, in some ways it's really great... it's sort of a thinking-man's high-school chick flick.  But right when it's about to reach greatness, it cheaps out... and really it hurts even more because the movie started at such high point.  So I don't know.  It might piss you off, but you might enjoy it too.  The chick is EXTREMELY hot, so at least you've got that going for ya.

   Well, happy valentine's day everyone.  I hope you have someone special to spend it with, and if you don't, I hope you have a lot of booze.  I certainly do.  If you're planning on getting gifts, let me give you some advice.  Don't waste your money on flowers.  I saw a bouquet this morning that was $700.  For flowers which will die in a few days.  I can think of no bigger waste of money than this.  If your woman gets angry because you didn't drop a load on flowers, you need to drop her.  Happy VD.

SuperBlow

   Didja miss me?  Sorry I didn't get to write last week, but things were pretty crazy.  I was working non-stop on the 11 News Superbowl spot, which involved quite a bit of motion-tracking.  Motion-tracking is what makes the TVs have 11 News in them (the TVs are blank when we shoot), so if you watch the spot you'll see there was a lot of that going on.  So yeah, no post last week, but the bonus is that this week you should get two!  I'll let that sink in for a minute.  Now that your heads are done exploding, let's move on.
  
   The Superbowl was a surprisingly good game.  I have to admit that I wasn't pulling for the Saints.  I didn't really care if the Colts won either, I was just hoping for some good hits and surprises... which I definitely got.  Did anyone else see Jeremy Shockey get kneed in the face?  Dirty.  That and the onside kick, which completely caught me (and apparently the Colts) off-guard, were the highlights of the game for me.  I think that kick turned the tide for New Orleans... sure they had a good second quarter, but nothing Manning couldn't come back from.  The onside kick put the Colts on their heels and I think shifted the balance in the Saints' favor.  Alright so the Saints won their first Superbowl, that's great... but I don't care for the fact that we (the media) have painted the Colts like the big bad evil team that the Saints overcame for victory.  I know the Saints were underdogs, and I know the Colts have won it a million times, but still... the Colts are a good, honest, hard-working team, and Peyton Manning is not only an amazing player, but an all-around nice guy to boot.  I don't think it's fair to act like they're the powerhouse mean team while the Saints were the "little guys" struggling for victory.  Am I the only one who feels like it looked that way today?  Maybe I'm biased, but I know if it were like, the Patriots who got beat I'd be totally for this type of publicity... whereas a good honest team like the Colts doesn't deserve to be treated this way.
  
   But whether you like football or not, I think we all know the most important part of the Superbowl is the advertising.  I don't just watch the Superbowl ads closely because it's my job... I watch them because they're a great opportunity to see some of the greatest creativity out there.  Usually.  This year I feel like there were a lot more duds than good spots, and I'm not sure why that is.  Was there a lack of creativity?  Or was it just because no one had the money to pay for the high-dollar advertising agencies?  Not enough material?  Who knows.  They weren't all bad... here are some of my favorites:
   --Letterman and Oprah invite a Friend: I don't know how Letterman pulled this one off, and I won't ruin it for you in case you didn't see it, but let's just say it was a very risky move.  I'm not sure if their guest's company even knew what was going on, I'd be interested to see what kind of closed-door conversations took place.  The spot is simple enough, and it's really not that funny, but the shock value is incredible.  Nicely done, Letterman.
   --Brett Favre Accepts the Award: I think it's awfully classy of Brett Favre to be willing to make fun of himself like this.  To be honest, I had to watch the spot again to remember what it was for (Hyundai, in case you're wondering), which I guess is failed advertising... but the spot made me laugh, and this year that was enough.
   --Fiddling Beaver: Monster.com usually has some pretty good ads, but I found this one particularly funny.  Something about a beaver playing a fiddle just never gets old.
   --Hide the Doritos: Doritos really disappointed me this year, until I saw this spot.  Was that Barats and Baretta?  It sure looked like him, but I'm not sure.  This spot was WAY out there, but it was also funny.
   --Dove You're a Man: This spot completely makes fun of dudes, but at the same time it pays immense respect to what we are.  Well written, well produced, funny, and a complete bitch-slap to women who think men are stupid.  Take that women.
   --Flo TV Spineless: Another great one pointing out how awesome men are and how controlled we are by women and their ridiculous lifestyles.  This spot has a lot of great lines, but the one that really got me was when the guy's girlfriend is pulling him away from the football game saying "Come on silly!"  Ha ha awesome.
   --Flo TV My Generation: This one wins hands down for coolest commercial of the Superbowl.  It was very well edited and told an incredible story in pictures (not to mention that's a great song).  I'd never heard of Flo TV before this, and I still can't see myself ever buying one, but nice job on the ads fellas.
  
   Now I feel like I should mention the Google ad here, but only to say that way too many people are making a big deal out of it.  Google is a great company, and their search engine still beats the hell out of any competition (Bing included)... but they definitely didn't need to spend the money on a Superbowl Ad.  EVERYONE knows who Google is, and even though they were highlighting their suggestion feature, it's not worth the money.  Does this make me want to use Google?  No, I already use Google 100% of the time, just like the majority of people out there.  It didn't turn me away, but it just struck me as something that didn't need to be done.  Still, I'd rather see this commercial a million times than some of the drivel that made it into the Superbowl.  There were so many bad ones I'm going to group them together.  Here are the worst of the worst:
   --Budweiser: These guys are supposed to own the Superbowl ad space, but this year their ads were lackluster at best.  Uninspired, uncomfortable, even boring.  The Clidesdale ad made me want to shoot myself.  There was no payoff on any of their spots... though at least the plane crash one had a couple of laughs.  I don't know what happened this year, but wayyyy off the mark guys.
   --Coca Cola: I don't get it... why did the big companies go sappy instead of funny this year?  Coke's never been known for having hilarious spots, but at least their creativity can be commended.  Remember that weird one with all the monsters inside the vending machine?  I got tired of seeing that one at the movie theatre, but it was better than using the Simpsons in an uninspired and bland commercial.
   --Teleflora.com: Not funny at all.  A complete waste of money.  The ONLY thing this spot had going for it was that the chick was moderately hot.  I guess I can see the value of running a spot for flowers (since it's close to valentines day and dudes are lazy), but at least TRY to make your spot enjoyable.
   --Godaddy.com:  By far the worst of the worst.  Godaddy.com has never been funny, though at least you could grant them a little leeway on the shock value at first.  Now their spots are repetitive, bland, and predictable.  The chick's going to rip her shirt open, who cares?  She's not even wearing lengerie under there.  Don't waste my time.  No one cares about hosting a website, and the ones who do you're not going to attract with a commercial like this.  No, these guys should have stopped after the first superbowl.  Now they're just throwing money away on an audience who doesn't give a shit.

   And to be honest, I was pretty disappointed in CBS's showing at this year's game.  They really didn't go very far out on any of their spots, and I didn't see anything that jumped out as far as image spots (showcasing the evening news or Katie Couric or anyone like that).  Mostly they were just ads for upcoming CSI and NCIS episodes, the type of spots you'd see on any given night on our station.  And there were a LOT of them.  CBS either didn't sell very well, or they didn't take good enough advantage of all the ad-time they kept for themselves.  Also, the game just didn't feel like a Superbowl to me.  It looked and felt like any other football game.  I don't know if that's because CBS hosts all the NFL games (so we're just used to their look and feel) or what, but it just didn't have that special atmosphere that I've come to expect from the Superbowl.
   So what do you think?  Did I miss anything?  Any spots or parts of the game that you think I should have included?  What did you think of our station's spot?  Let me know, and I'll be back in a couple of days...