That Don't Make No Census

   For those of you who are uninformed, the census is a pretty big deal.  The census is how the American Government counts the population of each state, which is directly related to how much federal money those states receive.  This is a good thing, since the federal money is really your money (hello taxes) and the more of it we get back the better.  The problem is there's a lot of concern that people will try to hide from the census, mostly hispanics with relatives who are illegal immigrants (or illegal immigrants themselves). 
   I guess I can see their point, but really the census is pretty harmless (or at least that's what they tell us).  It's supposed to get a headcount, that's it.  No social security numbers, no residential status checked, etc.  Still, the government has produced a series of commercials to get the message out.  They're helmed by the great crew who made the classic mockumentaries "Spinal Tap," "Waiting for Guffman," etc, and this, sadly, is the worst mistake the government could have made.
   While I'm glad to see the Guffman guys working again, their style is completely counter-productive to what the government is trying to achieve.  I saw the first commercial of their campaign during the superbowl, and it gave me a headache.  Nothing but confusion and contradictory information for the full 30 seconds.  That kind of stuff works great for their movies, which are usually just a bunch of misunderstood people misunderstanding each other... but for this type of scenario, they're actually doing the exact opposite of what they set out to do.  It's hard to tell those commercials are even for the census, and when you finally get it, you have no idea what they're trying to convey.
   So, nice try government.  You were trying to be funny to get your message out, but you've failed.  The spots aren't even that funny, and their message is more confusing than a Lady Gaga music video.  I hate to see good actors/director/producer lose work, but I think the government needs to rethink this one.  Go straight with it... sure it'll be boring, but it will also be more effective.  And you can save the millions you're spending on hiring all these big name actors and instead give it to the states who you're supposed to be helping.


30 for 30
   Folks, I still haven't found anything better to watch in the mornings than the CBS Early Show.  Is there anything else on at that time?  Ah who am I kidding... if I didn't watch the Early Show I wouldn't have anything ridiculous to write about.  So I'm watching the other morning, when Maggie (who has crazy eyes... she does, check 'em out) gets all excited because their next guest is a dude who loves his wife so much, he watched 30 chick flicks with her in 30 days.
   My first thought is "douche."  My second thought is, this guy's working pretty hard to get laid.  But then they brought him out, and he seemed like a decent enough dude.  He said he enjoyed himself, and I think he was genuine.  If he wasn't, then he was doing a really good job of faking it.  Whatever the case may be, I salute this guy, because I can't for the life of me think of 30 good chick flicks.  I can't even think of 10.  The truth is, and ladies you'll disagree with me but it's true, that for every one good chick flick, there are about a billion bad ones.
   And so, for all you guys out there who's girlfriends/wives/hookers saw this story and was all like "Awww that's so sweet!  Why can't you be more like that?"  Tell them "Well I'm not gonna do 30, but I will do a few.  Only if I get something in return though." Then wink.  Then whip out the following chick flicks, which you should actually enjoy as well:
   Sleepless in Seattle - Everyone loves this movie.  Tom Hanks?  Classic.  Meg Ryan?  Classic.  The two of them together on screen is like fireworks.  Chicks like this movie because it's romantic, cheesy, and it's like a dream.  Dudes'll like this movie because Tom Hanks is awesome.  The way he interacts with his kid is great, and there's one scene where they talk about "The Dirty Dozen" that's just awesome.  It's old, so you've got to deal with that, but I think you'll enjoy this movie.
   Forget Paris - Billy Crystal and some chick meet in Paris and embark on the craziest relationship imagineable.  Now before you throw up (because I know how grating Billy Crystal can be), hear me out.  This movie is great for dudes because it actually has a lot of sports laughs in it.  Crystal is a basketball referee, and he's short, so you can imagine the shennanigans.  What really sells me on this movie is the way the story is told.  Everything is narrated in the past tense, complete with backtracks, jokes, interruptsions, etc.  It's really well done, and actually pretty enjoyable.
   City of Angels - Another "wonderful" actor, Nicholas Cage teams up with chick flick staple Meg Ryan for what winds up being kind of a downer of a movie.  What's good about this one though is the atmosphere around it.  Sure it's religious, so maybe you won't like that, and yeah it's kinda mushy, which the chicks will love, but it's definitely survivable for guys, and it tells a decent story.  Use this one to counter your significant other... when she whips out "The Notebook," and after you're done stabbing yourself, bring this movie out and say "let's give this one a try."  Your TV, your soul, and the world will thank you.
   The Money Pit - This one is awesome in so many ways I can't even name them all.  Tom Hanks buys a house that's falling apart, and he barely survives its renovation.  I can't give away more than that, all I can say is that if you haven't already seen this one, you need to go to WalMart and dig it out of the $5 bin asap.  The only downside to this movie is that you might have a hard time selling it as a chick flick, since it's more slapstick comedy than anything else.  But it has chicks.  It has a love affair.  Good luck.
   Love Actually - Whooo man this is a tough sell.  I'm actually a "Love Actually" convert.  I used to shun it like I shun peas, but after being tied down and forced to watch it, I actually kind of enjoyed it.  What dudes should look for in this movie is the male roles (minus Hugh Grant).  Focus on their acting and you'll be alright.  Liam Neeson is badass.  The guy who was Professor Snape is weird, but still a good performance.  Meh, even Hugh's not terrible.  Remember guys, this one's a last resort.  Only say you'll watch this one if she's locked herself in the bathroom with a copy of "The Notebook" and a box of kleenex and won't come out until you prove that you love her by watching that miserable pile of shit they called a movie.
   And no, I haven't seen it.  And no, I won't watch it.  I won't watch Titanic either.  You know why?  Leonardo DiCaprio's a douchebag.  But also because I just know... I JUST KNOW it's going to piss me off at the world.  That's the real problem with chick flicks isn't it?  They're not believable.  They're ridiculous.  They're like those novels you see in line at the grocery store, the ones with Fabio looking like a champ on the cover (probably selling butter or something).  Chicks like that stuff, just like us dudes like seeing shit blow up.
   That is the ultimate challenge.  Guys, you know you've found someone special when she's willing to go 1-for-1 with you.  One chick flick, one dude flick.  Hang on to her like your life depends on it.


The Presidential Habit -- or -- Medication of the Week
   Did you know Obama's a smoker?  Oh yeah, he's a dirty, evil smoker.  I'm surprised he was elected with such a filthy habit.  I mean think of the example he's setting for our children!  Of course this is ridiculous.  How many kids do you think really look up to the President?  Why don't you consider all the bad things rap stars and athletes do?  They set more of an example than any president I can remember.  And so what if Obama smokes?  Leave the guy alone, he's got a country to run.  Surely there are bigger problems than his smoking habit... right?  Like, the economy maybe?  I say if it helps him keep his cool and it doesn't start a nuclear war with Iran or anything, let the guy smoke all he wants.  Still, Obama's terrible, awful, filthy, badass habit has kicked off this weeks "Medication of the week."  This week, folks, we're focusing on "Chantix."
   Chantix claims it will help you kick your smoking habit.  So naturally, for the commercial they found some dude who used Chantix to quit smoking.  The best way to sell a product like this is with testimonials, right?  So he's out gardening, which I guess smokers can't do (fire hazard maybe?) with his wife, who is no doubt glad he stopped smelling like cigarette smoke.  Lovely, right?  Well, it does a nice job of covering up that more than half the friggin' spot is side effects!
   Check it out, before you're even a quarter of the way into this commercial, you're already getting hammered with some pretty crazy side effects.  Suicidal thoughts?  Vivid weird dreams?  Mood changes?  And this is supposed to be a cure?  This thing cause a lot more problems than the one it fixes, which actually brings me to my next point... in all likelihood, this thing could just be a placebo.  Think about it... it reduces the urge to smoke?  How?  Are you swallowing nicotine?  And most, if not all of the side effects they listed are the same exact side effects someone would feel if he were trying to quit smoking without taking anything at all.
   Two lessons to learn here: Chantix is pointless, and if it keeps him sane, I say let Obama smoke his lights out.


Strange Wilderness
   The son of a famous nature show host and his wacky group of friends try to carry on his late father's legacy.  The problem is, none of them have the talent or drive of his father, so their about to lose their show.  Suddenly they stumble upon what could be the greatest find ever, a find that would bring their ratings back and get their show back on the air: the legendary Bigfoot.  Of course, they have to go in search of this beast, and their competition (a bigger, more well-funded nature show) has a head start on them.  Oh, and they're all morons, so of course shennanigans ensue.
   This movie had so much potential.  This movie had the potential to be another "Out Cold," and that's why I rented it.  I thought "here's a movie that flew under the radar, but it's got some really funny people in it so it could be awesome."  Then I saw the killer logo before the movie even began.  This movie is a Happy-Madison production.  "Billy Madison" was a great movie.  "Happy Gilmore" was arguably even better.  But ever since then, I've never seen anything come out of this company that was better than "Meh," and unfortunately that's the best "Strange Wilderness" can muster.
   Don't get me wrong... there were several funny parts in this movie.  Some of them were hilarious (you had to be there).  There are a ton of funny people in this movie, the concept isn't great but it's good enough, and it even has a hot chick.  There's just no way this movie can go wrong, right?  Wrong.  I think.  Yeah, this movie was funny, but it fell just short of greatness.  For every genuinely funny part there was at least one completely useless dead zone with no laughs and nothing to push the story forward.  It's like the writers came in to work every day like "okay, I got a joke," and then after they finished their joke they were like "now what?" and they just kinda meandered until the next day, when they came in with one more great joke... rinse, repeat.
   This is the flaw that plagues all Happy-Madison productions.  Water Boy?  Meh.  Grandma's Boy?  Meh.  Mister Deeds?  I don't know if that was Happy Madison or not, but it was barely "meh."  Strange Wilderness might be worth a rent, if you've got nothing better to do or you actually like the overly-obvious humor and style of a Happy Madison production.  It'd be great if it instant-played on Netflix, because I could watch the funny parts again.  But this definitely isn't one you should go out of your way for.  I guess there's a reason movies like this don't get any publicity.  Except "Out Cold," that movie rocked.


Invincible
   A local Philadelphian and his group of friends are falling on hard times.  Their jobs are getting cut, there's no money anywhere, and their beloved Eagles just finished on of the worst seasons on record.  Luckily, they still have football.  They play football like their lives depend on it, and when the Eagles get a new coach who decides to hold open tryouts, one of the guys goes for it.  Will he make the team, or is he too old and too washed up?  Is heart alone enough to make the team?
   I'm guessing that last sentence or two were somewhere on the box for this movie.  Who knows.  Who writes those things anyway?  Well, "Invincible" is based on a true story.  Loosely based, I should say, because it shoots itself in the foot at the end (don't worry this won't ruin it).  They show real footage of the guy who Mark Wahlberg was playing, and (surprise!) Wahlberg looked and acted nothing like him.  This is another movie that falls just short of greatness, and its casting is its first problem.
   Mark Wahlberg isn't a "bad" actor, per-say, but he is a pretty 2-dimensional actor.  He's the same in all his roles.  Sometimes that works in his favor (like "The Big Hit" or "Shooter"), but sometimes, like this time, it definitely doesn't help.  Pair him up with a group of subpar actors (who nonetheless sport awesome mustaches) including the guy from Fringe, and then add the cherry on top in the form of a director who has no idea what he's actually sitting on.  Then wrap the whole thing up in a sappy Disney Bow and you've got "Invincible."
   What sucks here is that if this movie had been directed by someone who knew what potential they had, this could have been a gem.  The story itself is awesome, tough guys in tough times, one of them tries to achieve the impossible.  It's sort of like a "Cinderella Man" story.  Now THAT was a good movie... and who knows, maybe if you put that group (or at least that director) behind this movie, you would have turned out with something different.  Sadly, what you wind up with on this movie is a guy who's worse at playing a football player than Keanu Reeves(!), a story that wastes time on the boring parts and skips over the most interesting parts, even a forgettable soundtrack.
   I hate to say it, but this movie was a swing and a miss.  It was a nice try, and I'm not sure who needed to go or what needed to change to make this thing work like it should have, but the bottom line is that it didn't work like it should have.  It's an okay movie I guess, but you're not gonna see me pay just to sit there and watch Mark Wahlberg run in slow motion for 2 hours.  You gotta give us a little more than that.


   I leave you this week with a wonderful video MONTAGE of the best "fails" of 2009.  Enjoy.  See you next time...