Hot and Sticky

   Ahh Spring... the time of year when flowers bloom, trees grow new leaves, and the gentle sound of crickets fill the night.  At least, that's how it is for most of the country.  Here in Houston it's flowers wilting, trees trying to figure out what happened to winter, and the unstoppable buzzing of mosquitos looking for skin to feast on and fill with Malaria/West Nile.
   This is also the time of year when we get a nice little preview of what's to come... Summer.  I have to admit, this past winter things did get a little chilly, to the point where I was like "alright enough..." but never NEVER did I reach a point where I uttered those words that I've heard way too many times this year: "Man I can't wait for Summer."
   Are you kidding me?  You would prefer a Houston Summer over this past winter?  Sure it got cold a few times, but it didn't get as cold as it will get hot in about a month's time!  Last winter should be looked at as a blessing, not something that needs to end quickly.  I can't wait until June, when I can go around to all these same people who were begging for summer... I'll find them sweating their asses off, most likely complaining about how hot it is, and I'll say "I hope you're happy, I hope you're enjoying yourselves, since this is what you wanted and couldn't wait for."  Morons.

The Square Root of All Our Problems
   The country's a mess, the economy is clawing its way out of the dumper, and the rest of the world is chomping at the bit for the downfall of the last-remaining superpower in the world.  Things aren't looking too hot for America right now, but who is really to blame?  Where did these problems come from?  Well, I learned what I think is the best answer the other day when I was talking to a teacher friend of mine.  The sad truth and what I believe to be the root of all of these problems we're facing right now can be found in our schools.
   This starts from early childhood and expands all the way through adulthood.  When I was in elementary school, every day was a war.  There were bullies you had to face, big kids throwing things at you in gym class, and other guys stealing your girlfriend on the playground.  It was tough, but it taught me a lot about how the real world operates.  It taught me you have to fight for everything you want, and you have to fight to keep the things you have.  Look at elementary schools now: kids are taught from the very beginning that competition is bad, that individuality gets you nowhere, and that you should never have to fight for anything.
   Then what happens when these kids grow up?  You get a bunch of corporate office drones singing Kumbaya when they should be fighting to drive their business up and save this country's economy.  I saw an awesome news promo the other day, and the very last line of the spot said "WHO'S LOOKING OUT FOR YOU?"  Newsflash people.  Nobody's looking out for you.  And no one should be, either.  This spot was aimed at the government, and the government of all people should not be looking out for anyone.  You may not remember this, and you may not agree with it, but the government's job is to keep our roads clean and our country safe from invasion.  You wanna know when things start getting screwed up?  When the government pokes around in stuff it has no business being in.  But more on that in a minute, I'm talking about the schools here.
   So here are these young kids who have the mentality that they shouldn't have to work for anything, and everything should just be there for their taking and convenience.  Now I've only heard this, but it should make you want to throw up.  These same kids are allowed to pass classes that they actually fail.  Blame the system (schools having to maintain a certain level of passing students to keep their funding).  Blame the students (for not giving a crap).  Blame whoever you want... this is a serious problem and it needs to be fixed.  Before you know it, you've got kids in Middle School who can barely read and can't do math.  They graduate high school with a rudimentary understanding of the basics, much less a knowledge of how the real world operates, and it's no wonder they can't compete in a capitalistic society.
   You realize where this is going, right?  Communism.  Hear me out.  Our kids are taught that the less they know, the better off they are.  They're taught that everything will be catered to them, and that the harder you work, the less is taken care of for you.  They're taught that the all-powerful American Government will come to the rescue, whether it means giving them money for doing nothing or providing healthcare paid for by those of us who actually work for a living.  What they're being taught is all wrong, and until we get that taken care of, we're never going to get back to where we should be (on top of the world).

America Shrugged
   So I finally finished "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand.  That was the longest book I've ever read.  Seriously I think it's longer than the Bible.  Say what you will about Rand, I mean I think we all know she was a little bit nuts... but the points that she brings up in this book really hit home, especially right now.
   The basic concept behind "Atlas Shrugged" is that government continues to grow to a point where it starts to regulate business, basically kick-starting a communistic society.  In response, the executives and hard-working people of that world fire back, and you (the read) are subjected to more than a thousand pages of watching America fall to pieces.  Sure this book is over the top, and sure you'd be hard pressed to find an executive these days who can think beyond his/her own personal needs, but you have to consider that what Rand is saying does make sense.
   Think back to that whole diddy on schools up there.  Now think about what drives the American economy: competition.  The whole idea of capitalism is that anyone who has a desire to work hard can achieve greatness.  All you have to do is figure out how to make a new product, or improve upon an existing product, or charge less for the same product, and you're set.  At no point did our founding fathers, or their children, or their grandchildren, or really anyone in government up until the Great Depression, have anything to do with business or welfare or social security or any of that nonsense.  Then they started holding our hands, and everything changed.
   Name me one communistic society that works.  Go on... nothing? The only ones that even get any attention anymore or China and Cuba, and you've seen what great shape both of those countries are in.  Sure, China has some rich people and they have a sort of quasi-capitlalistic economy, but have you seen how the majority of people live in China?  The only thing that keeps that country going is that the government says "so what?" and no one on the planet can stand up to them.  There's no way Americans would accept that standard of living, but if we keep doing what we're doing then that's where we're headed.  Mark my words.
   It all comes down to that simple phrase: "You can't have your cake and eat it too."  If you want a government that takes care of everything, you're going to have to sacrifice your freedoms.  You want a government that provides healthcare for everyone?  Well be prepared to pay for everyone who makes less than you.  You want a government that keeps businesses that should go under afloat?  Well be prepared for shitty products that flood the marketplace because there's no competition to improve upon it or drive it out.  We're basically digging our own graves.
   I'll say this and then I'll stop on this whole high-horse, I promise.  Rand is right about a lot of stuff, but there has to be a middle ground here.  We've all seen the dark side of capitalism: when Houston broke up its regulated power supplier (HL&P), the idea was to have several companies competing and driving prices down.  Instead those prices have skyrocketed, and now I'm paying more for electricity than I ever have in any other state in this country.  Look at the bank executifves, or Bernie Madoff... these asshole execs who will sit and watch their companies go under, costing thousands of people their jobs, while they give themselves bonus after bonus.  Government should definitely play some kind of protective role in these situations.  But what government shouldn't be doing is dictating which companies stay open and which ones close.  Punish the executive who gives himself a bonus, but don't keep the company afloat that makes an inferior product.  Keep the insurance companies from tearing us a new one and profiting off our misfortunes, but don't dictate who gets what level of healthcare.  You get the picture.  It can't be that hard... there's got to be a way to make government do what it's meant to do... right?  If not we're all screwed.

Medication of the Week
   Do you like sleeping at night?  Do you like hallucinating and seeing weird trippy shit?  Then Lunesta is for you!  This incredibly ridiculous sleep aid makes this week's Medication of the week simply for it's incredible commercials.  They're basically admitting right off the bat that you're going to see some weird stuff if you take these pills... like a damn butterfly tucking you in at night.  Awesome!  I love how they picture the butterfly like some creepy, bioluminescent Tooth Fairy, silently flying from house to house making sure that everyone's peacefully asleep... because by god if you're not, there's going to be trouble.
   "Of course," the spot says, talk to your doctor before using Lunesta for extended periods.  Why?  Does the butterfly become real?  I once saw a movie where the Tooth Fairy came to life and killed people... that was some creepy shit.  And now this butterfly is going to get angry if I take Lunesta without talking to my doctor?  Thanks, but no thanks.  Side effects include sour taste, which is also known as morning breath, right?  Is it worse than morning breath?  I don't know if I could handle that.  And don't operate any machinery or else you might squish the butterfly... or kill someone.
   These sleep aids are my favorite type of medicine because you just have no idea what they're going to do to you until it's too late.  Do you have an awesome Lunesta story?  Share it here!

I'd like to Not Thank The Academy
   The Oscars suck.  I don't care what you say, I don't care how into movies I am or how big a film buff you think you are, the Oscars are the biggest waste of several hours of your life that you'll ever experience.  Except maybe for watching the "E" channel or "Entertainment Tonight."  Let's set aside the fact that celebrities are WAY too famous, or that people can't seem to move on with their own lives without knowing everything about someone else's life.  Let's just talk about the show itself, and how pathetic you all are for watching it.
   First off, it's all about actors, who (for the most part) are the most ridiculous people on the planet.  Actors are admired more than politicians, more than astronauts, more than scientists... you probably don't know the name of the guy who invented the cell phone you use every day, but you know exactly how to tweet about that jackass from "Twilight" who took a picture with his shirt off.  Before the show we're "treated" to an hour of actors standing around in their ridiculously expensive, ridiculously unwearable dresses, and we're subjected to announcers talking about who has the biggest drug habit (forget that they're illegal, when you're an actor they're COOL!).
   Then the show begins.  I'm sure it's funny, they always get funny people to host these things, and at its core the idea of an awards ceremony for the people who work so hard on films makes sense.  But unfortunately, it's ruined by those same actors who were standing outside for the past hour.  The first mistake is that they get to weigh in on voting for the awards.  These actors, most of whom flunked out or didn't finish school, are now determining who worked harder than anyone and who makes the best movies.  And then there's the politics... the fact that movies so amazing and forward-seeking (like "Avatar" or "Transformers") will be shunned and overshadowed by some movie with a political message... well, that's just ridiculous. 
   James Cameron, why do you even bother showing up for these things?  You should make a statement, which is that the REAL reward for your work is how many people go to your movie and how much money you make.  Screw these idiots who spend hours posturing and playing out their political agendas for the masses.  It really is sad that we've gotten to a point where celebrities control us, it's a classic example of the stupid leading the smart, like a bunch of lemmings right off a cliff.

Family Guy: Something Something Something Dark Side
   The cast of "Family Guy" embarks on the story of "The Empire Strikes Back," with characters from the Family Guy series filling in the roles of the different actors in the classic Star Wars Sequel.
   I love Family Guy, and I love Star Wars, and I guess all things considered, this is a pretty good pairing.  I saw the "New Hope" spoof that Family Guy did and it was pretty good.  I thought it was a one-off kinda thing, but I see they somehow got the licensing for another one.  In "Darkside," they obviously had a lot more money and time, but in the end it comes across feeling forced and not nearly as funny as the "New Hope" episode or any of their TV episodes, really.
   Did you see when McFarlane did the "almost live comedy show" or whatever?  It was him and the rest of the crew who do voices for Family Guy, singing and dancing and telling jokes.  It was not funny, and don't tell me you thought it was because I won't be your friend anymore.  I'm using this to prove my point, which is that McFarlane and crew are full of comedic genius, but their execution is very hit and miss.
   Look back at the history of Family Guy.  The first few episodes were hilarious.  Then there was a very obvious slump, even to the point where every show had some sort of family values lesson at the end.  Then they got back on track and really hit their stride towards the end of their exclusive run on Cartoon Network.  Then Fox picked them up, and while the shows were still funny, they lacked something that they had before.  Then McFarlane started branching out, creating horrible terrible shows "American Dad" and "The Cleveland Show."  These shows are painful to watch, and what little funny jokes there are are taken away from "Family Guy," which in turn hurts THAT show and lowers the overall quality of the project.  Whew.
   The point is, "Darkside" is one of those forced and ultimately not that funny attempts from McFarlane.  It's "uncensored," which basically means Stewie cusses.  Believe it or not, Stewie cussing isn't as funny as when they bleep him out.  There are a lot of jokes and gags, but while those work in a fast-paced 30-minute show, they linger too long and get stale in the movie format.  It's funny, sure, but it's not worth paying money to see.  Don't even bother with Netflix... just set your DVR and catch it when it inevitably airs on Cartoon Network some night.  It'll probly be funnier censored anyway.

We Are Marshall
   Based on a true story, this movie follows the tragic loss of Marshall's football team in a plane crash back in the early 70s, and the attempt by that school to get their athletic program back on track (and save the surrounding city in the process).
   I tried to not like this movie.  I was sour from the start.  Matthew Mc-what's his face?  Seriously?  How does that guy keep getting roles?  Well, he does, and while his acting was still pretty difficult to watch, I couldn't help but enjoy myself.  The story was told well without getting preachy, the acting was good for the most part, and the football was actually entertaining.  There were some huge hits that looked like they really hurt, which you just don't see a lot of in football movies these days.
   What surprised me about this movie was first that I was able to sit through the whole thing without vomiting once (Mc-Douchaehey has that effect on me).  The second surprise came when I saw that it's directed by McG, who also did "Terminator: Salvation."  I'm not going to get into another argument about that movie (it was awesome), but I will say that it was impressive how McG was able to put together a touching film like this and then follow it up with machines who want to rip your arms off.
   I wish wish wish they hadn't casted Mc-Assbag to star in this movie.  ANYONE else would have been better.  Keanu Reeves!  Nicholas Cage!  Somebody!  If it had been someone else, I would gladly sit here and recommend this movie.  Maybe you love Mc-Can't Act To Save His Life (don't tell me because, again, I couldn't be your friend anymore)... if so you're gonna love this movie.  Otherwise, prepare to hold your breath through those parts and wait for some sweet football action and a story that you'll remember.

   Wow these things are getting longer and longer every week (that's what she said).  How many of you made it all the way to the end here?  Not many I'd be willing to bet.  I gotta get this length thing under control, there's just too much important crap to talk about.  Well, for those of you who did make it this far, here's a treat from me to you: our best scientific minds at work!  Until next time...