A Day Early and a Dollar Long

   Boy, you sure are lucky I'm such a nice guy.  I'm such a nice guy, in fact, that I'm gonna give you this one a day early.  That's right, count your blessings, since I'm sure you've just been waiting all week (hell, most of you probably longer) for this one.

Don't Apologize
   So the big story out of Afghanistan is this big new offensive we've launched to try to flush out a big old terrorist stronghold.  Let me clarify.  That was the big news, up until last week, when the new big story was all about how we recklessly bombed a city and killed a bunch of civillians.  At least, that's what the media would have you believe.  So here's our top general in Afghanistan, apologizing to the world for killing civillians in a warzone.  Way to go, America.
   PLEASE.  Please please PLEASE tell me you don't agree with this crap.  This is the biggest load of bullshit I've seen in a long, long time.  We're at WAR, people.  People die in wars.  Even civillians.  Remember when all those people died in the 9/11 bombings?  Or the embassy bombings of the past 20 years?  Yeah, most of them weren't soldiers.  The American Military goes to GREAT lengths, often putting our soldiers in ridiculous amounts of danger, just to be sure that civillians don't get killed.  And yet when an accident happens, we shit ourselves with anger and disbelief.  How could the military be so careless?  What were they thinking?  Maybe they were thinking that this is a war and these kinds of things do happen.
   Here's what war has become for americans: first, we plan our attack.  Then we have to announce to the entire world our plan, including intricate strategic details (what days we'll be attacking, what areas we'll be focusing on, etc).  Then we tell the enemy, so that they can either run away or at least get the civillians out of the area before we arrive.  (Can you imagine if the terrorists called you on September 9th and they were like "hey don't go to the World Trade Center on Septermber 11th, we're going to blow the shit out of it.  Oh, and don't fly on that day either because we're going to use airplanes.  Actually, here are the flight numbers, just so you know.")  Then once we're in the warzone, we're not allowed to shoot at ANYONE, unless they fire at us first.  I guess the thinking here is that a true american can take a bullet and just turn the other cheek.  I mean we're America, right?
   Wrong.  The result here is that when we arrive to the warzone, the enemy is fully prepared.  Have you seen the number of traps that were laid for our troops in that city in Afghanistan?  The soldiers know exactly where we're going to be, and when we're going to be there.  If our soldiers DO spot anyone, they have to just sit and look at them until they shoot at us before they can do anything.  The terrorists know exactly what we're planning to do, and yet despite this detailed information, they STILL don't move their civillians out... and that's part of the real problem here.
   Terrorists know how to fight America.  Despite yelling like idiots and living like animals, they are actually a pretty smart enemy.  They watched us in Vietnam, they watched us in Iraq.  They know the best way to beat America is to drag out the war as long as possible.  The icing on the cake is putting America in a position where they have to kill enemies.  Saddam Hussein was an expert at this.  He purposefully built hospitals and schools directly on top of missile silos.  The only way to kill terrorists, unfortunately, is to get at them through their civillian shields.  But how in the hell is that America's fault?  The fact that those civillians are killed should outrage all of us... but we should be pissed at the terrorists, NOT at our soldiers who are working their asses off to follow a million rules and still survive.  The other part of the problem here is the media coverage of these events.  The day these civillians were killed, that's all the information you got.  You didn't hear any kind of context.  You didn't hear that the soldiers may or may not have been using them as shields, you didn't hear that they were in an area where we warned that we would be attacking, you didn't hear how hard we tried to avoid them or how we were fed wrong intelligence by the very same civillians that we accidentally bombed.  No, here's your favorite (most likely biased) "journalist," telling you what a terrible atrocity has been committed against a people who basically could care less whether or not we survive.  And that's a best case scenario, MOST of them actually WANT us dead.
   I am so glad I'm not a military commander... I can't imagine what those poor bastards have to put up with.  You're expected to protect a country who doesn't want you to do what's needed to protect them.  Every move you make is scrutinized beyond belief, and every little slip-up puts your career on the line.  Meanwhile, you've got young, innocent kids running around trying to survive, fighting people who say their god wants us all dead, and you're responsible for them as well.  If I were a commander, it would be really hard for me not to just throw down my clipboard and say "screw it, and screw you Americans."  Let's go back to the hypothetical terrorist phone call about 9/11.  Say they called us and told us what they were going to do, and say for some reason we couldn't stop them.  Do you think we would allow people to go to the World Trade Center that day?  Do you think we'd let civillians get on airplanes?  I don't think so.  And this may sound brutal, but those civillians who were in that village or whatever we accidentally bombed... they knew we were coming, and they did nothing to move out.  They knew terrorists have been in their midst for years, and yet they do nothing to oust them.  They cry that America is this great big evil country who is ruining them, and then they harbor and protect the ONLY reason we're there to begin with (terrorists, dummy).
   As long as America maintains this double standard, we're never going to win this war, and we're never going to be safe.  This won't be the last time civillians get killed, but next time it happens maybe you should stop and think before writing your senator and bitching about what a terrible country we are.  Would you rather it be those civillians who knowingly protect terrorists, or our soldiers who wander into a trap because we told the enemy exactly where to set it?  Would you rather the bombs be accidentally falling on civillians over there, or purposefully falling on your neighbors and relatives?

Leaf it Alone
   Nissan has entered the green vehicle market.  Their first stab?  The "Nissan Leaf."  They sell it as the world's first plug-in, completely electric car.  The thing has two outlets to charge it, one that works at your house, one that uses a rapid, industrial strength electric current (which I guess will replace gas pumps in their little world of the future).  I has no engine, it has no radiator, no oil, no hoses, just a ton of batteries and wires.  Oh, and did I mention that it's ugly as sin?
   Why is that, anyway?  Why are all the most forward-thinking cars (the Prius, the Leaf, the Insight, etc) so damn fugly?  Don't give me that aerodynamics crap, that's not going to sell me for a minute.  Here's a little tid-bit for the automakers: unless you make the car look good, you're never going to achieve full market penetration.  There are way too many people out there who actually care about what their car looks like.  Sorry guys.
   Looks aside, though, I think the Leaf is a step in the right direction.  I'm still a big fan of hydrogen cars, but I think if we're going to go electric, then going completely electric makes more sense than some sort of hybrid gas-electric monster.  So congratulations Nissan, you've taken a minor step in the right direction.  However, I will never, EVER buy that ugly ass piece of shit car, and here's why: it's a money trap.  A car like that which relies on Lithium batteries is just a ticking timebomb for tons of money in upkeep and replacement parts.  Think about your cell phone, which is most likely (hopefully) powered by a lithium battery or two.  When you first got the phone, it lasted several days without charge.  You could talk, text, whatever, and the thing just held on forever.  Now, a year later, the thing barely holds a charge for a day, and if you talk on it, you get maybe what, 20 minutes before it starts squawking that it's going to die?  Now multiply the cost of a replacement battery for your phone (already about 40 bucks probably) by about a thousand.  That's how much it will cost you to replace the lithium ion batteries in your car when (not if) they stop holding a charge.
   Alright, so here's my solution.  This idea is so simple that it baffles me no one has come up with it.  But I know it will work, I just know it.  Maybe some of you smart engineer types can prove me wrong.  Go ahead, I dare you.  So here it is.  First, take a cool looking car, like, say, the 2008 Mazda 6.  Strip out the enging, radiator, oil tank, gas tank, hoses, everything.  Replace that with a few hundred pounds of batteries (which still weighs considerably less than the engine and all that crap).  Use the hood of the car to house the main stack, which houses an internal lithium battery that holds a charge and cannot be removed.  Now, on both sides, insert about a dozen "blade" batteries, each one replaceable and each one weighing about 20lbs.  This is the powerhouse for the entire car.
   The key here is the blades.  When you buy this new car, you're given a full compliment of blades for the vehicle, and an external charger which will charge, say, 6 extra blades at a time.  You can choose to buy extra blades when you get the car or pick them up at your local Wal-Mart or whatever.  The charger is portable so you can take it with you on road trips, and you can keep extra blades in it so when you get home from work and you've gone through two blades, you can just replace them with full ones and be ready to go.  The central stack within the car cannot be removed, but it will be charged by the blades and by regenerative braking, etc.  This central stack serves as an emergency power supply that can carry you, say, 60 miles or something (enough to get you to a charge station). 
   So the question is, why hasn't anyone come up with this idea yet?  Surely there are some people out there who are smarter than me... right?  If not we're in trouble.  The only thing I can think of is that car companies (being the assholes they are) are trying to figure out a way to keep gas stations in existence.  If your car can hold a charge for too long, you won't ever need to stop, and that elimates convenience store jobs (pointless though they may be).  Well, that mentality's gotta stop people.  I know it sucks to have people lose their jobs, but come on.  Isn't capitalism about pushing forward?

SaboToyota
   Speaking of capitalism, here's a peek into what I consider the dark and ugly side of the world's best economic system.  Toyota's one of the biggest, best, most reliable car companies in the world.  Suddenly they have a massive, dangerous recall, and now they're the subject of a criminal investigation by the US Government.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I believe that there's a very good chance that the government sabotaged Toyota.  Think I'm crazy?  Again, I think not.  See if you can follow me around the room here...
   This all started when the US Government made the MONUMENTAL mistake of dumping a shitload of money into GM, a company that should have failed long ago, and will still fail in the future.  This is the company that invented parts that wore out, forcing consumers to buy new and repeatedly (a method that cellphone manufacturers have perfected).  This is the company that has paid union workers ridiculous salaries for little or no work, and has continually churned out shittier and shittier vehicles for the past 20 some-odd years.  This is also the company that claimes to be "American," while most of their manufacturing is done in Mexico.  Awesome.  Okay, so the government in its infinite wisdom, pumps your tax dollars into this worthless company in order to revive it and continue the american spirit.
   The second problem came about when the government realized that GM was WAY worse off than they'd hoped.  Their cars are shit.  Their designs are shit.  The only real solution would be to scrap the whole company and start over from scratch.  Only it's too late to do that, since they've dumped all your money into getting the wheels rolling.  So they say "alright we're going to try for fuel efficiency, and we're going to go right at the biggest, baddest competition: Toyota.  Surely they won't be able to stand up to the US Government, right?  Well, surprise politicians, your wonderful business-sense pays off again.  Toyota is still slaughtering you in sales and quality, wiping the floor with you in profits, and you're beginning to look like a bunch of idiots even to the people who support you fully.
   And here's the "fix."  Set it up so that Toyotas suddenly come down with a fatal flaw.  Something so dangerous that the driver will literally be too scared to get behind the wheel.  Is it deadly?  Yup.  Even better.  Is it really so hard to believe?  All it takes is a certain amount of money going to a certain part manufacturer, a part manufacturer who probably won't mind cutting a few corners (except those bastards at Toyota make them keep up with standards).  Next thing you know, Toyota's got serious problems.
   Can I prove it's the government?  No of course not.  Neither can Toyota, apparently... which is sad, because Toyota is WAY more of an American car company than GM will ever be.  I'm making this prediction now: in less than 20 years, the government officials in charge of this sort of stuff right now will be at the center of an investigation.  This administration may be invincible right now, but it won't be that way forever.  Things will come to light, inquiries will be made, investigations will be carried out, and when the dust settles I bet you'll see (at least controversial) evidence that the government was involved in this recall.  Until then, I guess we'll just have to live with the satisfaction that their plan isn't going to work.  It's going to take much more than a recall for Toyota drivers to give up on their otherwise amazing vehicles.  And it would take an absolute miracle for them to give up their Toyotas for a piece of shit ride like GM makes every single day.

   Man we've covered some serious stuff today.  Alright here are a couple of quick movie reviews and then I'll leave you alone.

Bronson
   Charlie Bronson - not the actor - is Britain's most violent criminal.  He's also a complete and utter psychopath.  All the guy ever wanted to be was famous, but all he knew how to do was fight and break the law.  He found, though, that fighting in prison (after breaking the law) actually earned him some fame.  This of course only fueled his desire to gain more fame, so he fought more, etc etc.  This biography shows his life and explores his mind, in a "Clockwork Orange" alike that will definitely make your head spin.
   I'll admit, I saw this movie on the preview alone.  The preview for this movie is easily one of the best I've ever seen.  So much fighting, so much jail, so much yelling... how could this movie NOT be awesome?  Well, I was almost right.  I don't know if you've ever seen "Clockwork Orange," but if you haven't, don't.  Kubrick was one crazy bastard, but that movie was weird even by his standards.  "Bronson," thankfully, is not nearly as sick or perverted.  There is an uncomfortable amount of man-wang in this movie, but I guess it comes with the territory so whatareyagonnado.
   What interested me about this movie was not so much the story, not even so much the fighting, but just how nuts this guy is.  He achieved what he always wanted to achieve, though not in the way that anyone could have hoped.  It was also interesting to see Britains (too-lenient) prison system wiggle around trying to figure out what to do with this guy.  Finally in the end, they may have found a solution, but geeze it took a long time.  The acting was top-notch... I have no idea what the real Charlie Bronson is like, but if he's anything like this actor, he's definitely someone you want to have drinks with.  Just don't get drunk or you'll wind up with your ass kicked.
   This is one of those movies that's definitely not for everybody.  It's impressive how much work went into it, and a lot of the shooting, lighting, acting, etc is unique and interesting.  But if you're looking for an escape, or a movie where a dude beats up a bunch of other people, you're probably better off renting a real Charlie Bronson movie (might I recommend "Hard Times") than this interesting, but odd flick.

Sex Drive
   High school kids, who of course have nothing better to do than try to get laid, embark on a road trip in the hopes that one loser can find his balls, bone a chick, and become a man.  Of course, no road trip happens without all kinds of crazy shenannigans... throw in some tits and we got ourselves a movie.  At least, that's what I'm assuming the pre-production brainstorming session went like.  Of course there were probably plenty of pauses for bong hits and cocaine snorts, but hey... whatever it takes to be creative.
   Unfortunately, that's the biggest problem with this movie.  It's completely uncreative.  It's sick, it's dirty, it's got hot chicks.  It's NOT entertaining or funny (with a couple of exceptions).  "Superbad" stands on its own because it's funny and tells a good story.  "American Pie" stands on its own because of Stifler.  "Road Trip" stands on its own because of... well, Stifler I guess.  "Sex Drive" doesn't have anything close to these qualities.  It tries, don't get me wrong.  It has the asshole big brother (only funny character in the entire movie).  It has the hot chick who's "just a friend," and it has the too-cool-for-school guy who gets all the chicks.  Except wait, he's not hot, he's an extreme loser, and he dresses like a Weezer drop-out.  There's no way in hell that guy ever gets any chicks, and that's where it all starts to unravel.
   The story is bland (guy meets chick on the internet and wants to bang her, goes on road trip).  The characters are two-dimensional (Seth Green was one of the funniest guys in the movie, yeah it's that bad), and nothing makes any kind of sense.  Centering it around sex was actually the best thing they could've done, because then you at least have a chance at tricking high schoolers into the theatre, but I bet there was a lot more texting going on than actual watching of this movie.
   I rented the unrated version of this movie, but I switched over to the rated version after several warnings in the actual movie about not watching the unrated one first.  Still, after slogging through the rated R version, my curiosity got the best of me and I figured I'd give the unrated version at least a browse-through.  Think of a terrible movie.  Now think about making it worse by just cramming in random tits and wangs wherever you possibly can.  The 5 minutes of the unrated version I made it through were so ridiculous and so not funny, I turned it off.  No amount of boobs are worth that torture.  And torture is a great way to describe what you'll be going through if you watch this movie.  If you've seen it and you liked it, I don't want to hear about it.  In fact, I don't really want to be your friend.

   Until next time...