Never Again (Until Next Year)

   I've eaten a lot in my day, but Christmas is by far the best/worst/most.  We do an Italian Christmas in our family, which any of you who've ever eaten my family's Italian food know, is very dangerous.  Lasagne.  Spinach Artichoke Dip.  Antipasto.  Cream Puffs.  Cafe.  All of these things (and more) went into my stomach.  The problem is, most of that stuff decided to stay there.
   I actually had to pull out my old-school pre-diet pants to wear to work this week, since my usual work pants just wouldn't fit.  I would think that's embarassing, but I'm actually kinda proud of myself... I mean who do you know that can grow their gut and waist by that much in just one week's time?  It's cool, I know.
   So I hope all of you had a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hannukah, or whatever it is you celebrate (or don't celebrate) this time of year.  And now it's time for the new year's resolutions.  Not that I need any, since I'm pretty awesome as-is.  But just so the rest of you chumps don't feel bad, here are a few of the things I may try to do in 2010:
   Lose This Weight - I figure the whole reason they created New Years was so that we would feel guilty about all the fat we put on during the holidays.  I also figure New Years Resolutions were invented by gyms, because any of you who work out regularly know that you might as well not even try the first few weeks of the year.  Every gym is packed with people who say "This year it's gonna be different!"  "This year I'm gonna stick to it and lose that weight!"  Good luck butterballs.  I don't even bother, I know I'm not going to stick to working out, so why even set myself up for the let down?  But I will lose this weight, one way or another.  I spent way too much money on those work pants for them to not fit anymore.
   Stop Getting So Angry at Stupid People - This is gonna be a hard one, especially since there are so many stupid people out there to constantly remind me how angry I get at them... but I'm going to try.  I think behind the wheel will prove to be the most difficult time following this resolution, since that's where stupid people's stupidity is amplified the most.  Take, for example, the other day, when some jackass in a little Honda was sitting in the far right lane at a red light (and at a freeway intersection).  When the light turned green, Mr. Retard decided he actually needed to turn left, so being the brilliant (and caring) driver that he was, he nonchalantely cut across 4 lanes of traffic to get into the turning lane and be on his merry way.  Forget that there were cars in all 4 of those lanes, cars who had to slam on their brakes because he was an idiot, and almost caused accidents all over the place.  Seriously, how hard would it have been to pull into a parking lot, make a U-Turn, and then try again?  Are you really that selfish?  Deep breaths.  Deeep breeatthhs.  This is not off to a good start.
   Try to be Not As Awesome: Who am I kidding?  Awesomeness is not something you do... it's something you are.  Write that one down, folks.
   Now, some of you may have some ideas for New Years Resolutions that you think I should try, but my final new years resolution is to ignore your suggestions.  So you might as well just keep them to yourself... or you can leave me a comment if you like... I'm always up for a good laugh.  Alright let's get down to business, I'm a busy man and I've got places to be.

Stupid Attack
   I think we all know the biggest news these past couple weeks has been this Nigerian terror ass who tried to blow up an airplane.  The most interesting thing to me is that now everyone's trying to point the finger.  Who's at fault for letting this guy get on a plane with an explosive device?  Who's to blame for the attack attempt that could have killed all those innocent people?  Can I make one suggestion?  STOP LOOKING AT THE PAST AND START LOOKING AT THE FUTURE.
   Look, it's obvious the security systems for air travel are broken.  But trying to patch the system that failed us on 9/11 is not the right answer.  Instead we should have started over from scratch with how we institute air security.  Fortunately, we can still do this today.  The metal detectors are nice, but they don't catch everything.  You tell us to stop carrying on liquids, so they use a powder.  Every single rule you make, they're going to find a way to fix it.  They will always be one step ahead because we're always taking the first steps and just sitting here waiting for them to respond.  And no matter how many rules we make, there's nothing controlling the airports in other countries.  I'm sorry, that just doesn't sound like a good system to me.
   But while a new system is needed, I don't really know what that system would be.  I'm sure someone out there would love to get paid to figure that out.  Maybe the ultimate solution is that everyone flies naked, "Exit to Eden" style.  Did anyone ever see that movie?  Terrible, and I'll tell you why: Rosie O'Donnell.  Ugh.  Whatever it is, by scrambling around like we are, pointing fingers at each other and crying like little babies, we're doing nothing but giving more power to the idiots who try to do this stuff.  Don't do that.

What's on your mind?
   Facebook was huge this year.  Facebook was such a big deal this year that it even got bigger than Twitter.  While I consider this a victory for Facebook (or for anyone who can slow down the stupid-machine that is Twitter), it's also really pissed me off.  And I know I'm not alone.
   Remember the earlier days of Myspace?  When it first started getting big, there were all kinds of problems.  I can't tell you how many blogs I've lost because "Sorry, an unknown error has occurred.  This problem has been forwarded to our technical group."  Did you forward my blog to the technical group?  That took some time, you know.  Myspace used to be a huge pain in the ass, but over time they've corrected most of their glitches and bugs.  Too bad no one cares about them anymore.  Through all of Myspace's issues, Facebook quietly marketed itself as the sleek, streamlined version of the same Social Networking Service.  And it obviously worked, because people started signing up by the millions.  I honestly use Facebook now more than my email for sending messages to friends.
   But despite this incredible growth, a deep dark secret has been lurking: Facebook is really just like Myspace, and Twitter, and all those other guys.  Sure they were awesome when they were the underdog, but now they're the main game in town, and they've become a joke.  I don't WANT to have a fucking farm on farmville.  I don't give a shit if someone killed me in Mafia Wars.  Who cares if you want me to become a knight in your castle?  It's stupid!  And don't even get me started on the ads.  There's so much garbage in the right column now that it gives me a headache.  What if I don't want to say hello to this person who's really not my friend?  And if two of my friends are fans of Tony Romo, who gives a shit?  Not me, and I'm not going to become a fan just because they are.  It's ridiculous!  Add on top of all that the fact that most pages don't load correctly, and most of the applications don't load at all on the first try (I had to hit "reload" about 10 times before the damn thing worked), and we're quickly on our way to Myspace-ville.
   There's a lesson here, and I think it's that the bigger a company gets, the sloppier it gets.  Some of this is unavoidable, I mean there are so many different Operating Systems and web browsers and plug-ins out there, it's impossible to keep up with it all.  But some of it is also laziness and greed.  Look at Google.  Have you ever had a problem with Google?  I would bet not.  And why?  Look how simple their interface is.  Sure there's some minor advertising in the search results, but it doesn't hamper what you're trying to do.  Companies like Facebook and Myspace and Twitter, in their neverending quest for money (the sites themselves don't earn shit since it's all free), will cram ads down our throats as much as we'll take them.  So eventually, I have to assume that people will have enough of "pay 2 dollars to send a roll of toilet paper to your buddy" bullshit... but then again, I have underestimated the stupidity of people on these sites before...

Punisher: Warzone
   Did anyone see the first Punisher movie?  No?  Well, I did, and it was awful.  The only redeeming quality I can remember is that one bad guy was wearing one of those funny red-and-white striped shirts like the gondola dudes wear in Venice.  And he beat the crap out of the Punisher too, which made me happy because it was a stupid movie.  Anyway, there have been a ton of stupid Super Hero movies, and the excuse from Marvel has always been that it's the studios' faults for not giving them (Marvel) enough creative control.  Want an example?  Look at the first Hulk compared to the new one.  Sure the new one's got problems, but it's a million times better than that old piece of crap.
   I say all this, and I'm not even sure if "Warzone" was created under Marvel's new studio.  I sure hope it wasn't though, because it completely weakens their argument about creative control.  "Punisher: Warzone" was easily one of the stupidist movies I've ever seen.  Ever.  It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be.  It's part original Batman (stupid kooky villains), part Halo (the main character almost never speaks), and all stupid.  The writing is awful, the acting is painful, and even though the chick in it is semi-hot, she's not in it nearly enough to redeem anything worth watching out of this movie.  "Punisher: Warzone" reminds me a lot of the movies I used to make with my brothers and friends.   IN EIGHTH GRADE.  My favorite part is at the end when all the (racist) gangs get together to try to stop the punisher, and he goes in and completely (impossibly) kicks all of their asses.  Hilarious!
   I should have turned this movie off less than halfway through, but I didn't.  The original Batman worked because Tim Burton fully believed in his vision of crazy colorful bad guys and over-the-top one-liners.  Halo worked because you're in a war and being the strong silent type means you get to shoot more stuff.  But "Punisher: Warzone" pulls neither off.  In fact, it doesn't pull anything off, except for wasting two hours of your life that you can never, ever, get back.

City of Lost Children
   Did someone recommend this movie to me?  If you did, let me know so I can slap you in the face.  I honestly don't know how I came across this movie, but after sitting through it, I wish I never had.
   The first strike this movie faces is that it's French.  The French are very weird when it comes to their movies, and if you want an example of that just watch the first 5 minutes of this badboy.  Seriously, I'll give you the opening scene: a little kid is sitting there on Christmas night, when suddenly Santa Claus comes down through the chimney.  Nice, right?  WRONG.  Now another Santa Claus comes down, and another.  Pretty soon the room is full of Santa Clauses, the kid is crying, and there's this weird bulge effect on the film.  Suddenly we cut to one of the weirdest looking people I've ever seen wearing an even weirder helmet, screaming his lungs out for a full minute and a half.  That's the beginning of the movie!  Throw Ron Perlman in there (yeah, the Hellboy Guy), speaking French no less, and you've got yourself one helluva movie.  I'm sorry, one helluva TERRIBLE movie.
   Nothing is right about this movie.  The production value is crap (it looks like it was all shot on a sound-stage), the acting is crap (like a bad off-broadway play, everything's overdone and stupid), and the story is crap (who are these one-eyed people, what are they doing in this city?  What role do the children play?  I don't understand!)  If you're looking for an artsy type conspiracy movie, might I recommend "Dark City," or even "City of Ember."  Neither one is a "Great" movie by any stretch (Ember was actually pretty lame), but their still better than this drivel.

Transporter 3
   Boy, this has been a bad week for movies.  Though I have to say, the third installment of the surface-level-at-best "Transporter" series was actually almost a good flick.  Almost.
   Let's just get this out right away: I could watch Jason Statham kick people's asses all day long.  You could make a movie where all he does is beat the shit out of people, and I think I would prefer that over something with a slapped-on story that you have to suffer through.  The first Transporter movie, while not good, was at least entertaining because of its over-the-top beatdowns and good cinematography (whuddup Luc Besson?)  The second one was a joke.  Bad acting, stupid story, and the fight scenes weren't even that great.  Needless to say, I didn't have very high hopes coming into the third installment... but I was pleasantly surprised to find that it's much closer to the first movie than the second.  The story, while kind of shallow, at least makes sense, and the fight scenes are awesome (except for the fact that somehow Statham's shirt winds up off in every scene... I don't get it).  The chick is also kinda hot, if you're into freckly foreigners, and who knew the villain from "Heroes" ever acted in anything else?  I guess everyone's gotta start somewhere.
   This (sadly) was by far the best movie I saw this week.  If you like Jason Statham, here's more of the same.  If you liked the first two "Transporter" movies, then I think you'll appreciate this one.  But when it comes down to it, there are so many better movies out right now, why bother with this one?  I'm kinda wondering why I did.

   Alright fellas, I hope you all have a happy new year.  Get ready, I have a feeling 2010 is gonna get crazy...