OMFG LOL!

   I live in a weird city.  It's Houston, I suppose... but it's also Bellaire, which is kind of its own little town surrounded by Houston.  We have our own police force and fire fighters, and we have the ability to make some of our own laws.  Last week, Bellaire/West U (I think they're all the same, someone correct me on this if I'm wrong please) passed a law that said we can no longer text while driving.  While I completely agree with this law and the whole idea of stopping people from texting behind the wheel, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that anyone will (or can) pass a law to that effect.
   I've seen first-hand the stupidity of people who are texting while driving.  Once I was on highway six, which is one of the busiest roads in Sugar Land (or I would argue Houston), and I saw this woman almost rear-end the person in front of her, not once, but three times.  All because she was texting.  Are you kidding me?  What in the world could possibly be so important that you have to text it despite the fact that you're putting people in danger?  If it's that important, call!  And working in TV, I've seen plenty of accidents that have been blamed on texting behind the wheel.  I've seen people severely punished for it, which I completely agree with, but that's another conversation for another time.   I also know from trying to text while driving that it's not easy or fun, and while I've never done it in a traffic situation, I can definitely see how it would be difficult to manage texting while driving.
   Still, even though I can see all of this and I think texting is stupid (no matter where you do it), I don't think it's right or even feasible to pass a law like this.  First off, how are you going to enforce it?  Sure some people are idiots and text with their toes on the steering wheel while putting on makeup and trying to change the radio station.  Those people are easy.  But what about the people who text with the phone low?  How will you know whether they're texting or looking for a map or something?  Will you just start pulling everyone over?  It is Bellaire, I wouldn't put it past them, but that's really the only way you're gonna enforce this thing, right?  And you know that people will get sneaker and sneakier about it once they catch wind of it being a "law."  Hell my sister can text without even looking at her phone, how are you gonna catch that kind of stuff?
   I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think this is much less a problem of texting or talking on a cell phone, and much more a problem of people not being able to multitask.  I think the people who almost cause accidents while texting or talking are the same people who almost cause accidents while eating a hamburger or putting on makeup or trying to kill a bee or talking to friends in the backseat.  Cell phones don't kill people... idiots kill people.  In the end, though, I think this one will sort of die out.  It's kind of like the whole red light camera thing... how do you enforce it, really?  The real solution here is to beef up the penalties for texting or talking and causing an accident.  The best deterrent is not to prevent it, but to make people so sorry they did it that they'll never do it again (and they'll tell their friends about their horrible story).  And might I suggest in lieu of jailtime, you hit each one of their fingers extra hard with a hammer.  Now THAT'S justice.

Tiger Uppercut
   Oh this story just will not die.  I heard today about several other callgirls coming forward to say they've screwed around with Tiger Woods... awesome.  But really, people, did any of you not see this coming?  Tiger's a pimp.  He's a friggin' billionaire, and he's bored.  Whatareyougonnado, right?  Wrong.  You can hate him, but I seriously doubt anyone will do that.  I saw Gatorade dropped him, but they claim it was decided before all this nonsense.  Seriously people, are we all such pansies that we can't just come out with the truth?
   I would bet a good number of these call-girls are lying.  And I don't just think that because I feel like the girls want to be in the spotlight... I think that because, I mean come on, it's Tiger.  Look at the guy.  He always looks like he's gonna cry.  Like Tim Tebow (BA-ZING!).  Maybe he's always pouty becuase he's thinking "man how'm I gonna juggle all these ladies?"  Good luck amigo.
   The best thing Tiger could do right now is come out to the public with full disclosure.  Get EVERYTHING on the table, and leave nothing to the tabloids and other paparazzi people's imaginations.  I know I for one would be thankful, just because then I wouldn't have to hear about it anymore.  And straighten up dude, what would your dad say?  Seriously.

Sarah Who?
   I read (part of) an interesting article the other day... it was all about some conspiracy that Sarah Palin supposedly moved out of Hawaii because there were too many Asians there and they made her uncomfortable.  Ooooo, scandalous!  I only read part of the article though, because after about 3 sentences I suddenly remembered that I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SARAH PALIN.  Then it occured to me... why do you?  Why does anyone? 
   Sarah Palin was on Oprah the other day.  Why?  She's on digg.com almost every day.  Why?  It's always ALWAYS negative press, but the bottom line is that this woman doesn't need to be in the spotlight anymore.  You know what's a MUCH bigger scandal than any racist beliefs or the fact that she doesn't know how to be a mother?  How about the fact that she made it into the spotlight in the first place! 
   Republicans, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  It's bad enough you thought this woman could actually help John McCain win.  It's even worse that you've released this woman on society... a society that was perfectly happy being oblivous to her presence... a society that now will never be able to escape her stupidity. Or... OR... maybe the republicans are smarter than any of us give them credit for.  Maybe they said "hey we're not gonna beat Barack.  Let's make McCain the candidate, and then give him Palin as Vice.  Then we kill two birds with one stone, since both of them will get slaughtered on election day and with any luck will never be able to run again."  Oh how I wish I could give the republican party that much credit... but I can't.
   So once again, good people, it's up to us.  Sure I could say I'm going to start and never mention her again, but where's the fun in that?  I'd rather make fun of you people who can't let her go.  But you really should, for all of our sake's and the good of this country.

B-Rocked It
   This has been quite an interesting week for our boy Barack, hasn't it?  He's dealing with the repercussions of his announcement to up the number of troops in afghanistan.  He's trying to figure out why he hasn't been able to accomplish anything since he took office.  He's trying to figure out why so many people are still out of work and the economy is moving slower than a turtle... and now he's accepted the Nobel Peace Prize. 
   Am I the only one here who thinks this was a terrible idea?  Obama might as well call everyone who hates him and say "Hey fellas, here's some more ammo!"  I mean, I kinda like the guy and I have to say I can't for the life of me figure out what he's done to deserve the Nobel Peace Prize!  Oh wait, he invented... no he didn't.  Well, he promotes peace... by sending thousands more troops to a warzone.  Hmm... he's, well, I don't know.  He's America's first black president, which I think is an insulting reason to award someone the Nobel Peace Prize.
   No Barack, your best bet would have been to respectfully decline this one.  You might have pissed off some of the award people, sure, but at least you wouldn't have given cannon fodder to your nay-sayers.  You of all people should understand the importance of that.  So was it an ego thing?  I don't know.  I imagine if I were in his position, it would be a weird thing to have to consider.  Do you turn it down and run the risk of looking like a prick, or do you accept it, knowing full well (and basically admitting in your speech) that you don't deserve it?  Tough choice.
   But I guess that's why he's president.

Terminator: Salvation (Director's Cut)
   Yes, I've already reviewed this movie.  Yes, I liked it, even though Rotten Tomatoes gave it like 18%.  You know what?  Rotten tomatoes is full of rotten shit.  Those clowns wouldn't know a good movie if it bitch-slapped them into next week.  I think it's hilarious that those guys gather on there like a bunch of intellectuals and try to out-do each other on insulting the popular movies, while loving the stupid ones that make no sense.  "No Country for Old Men?"  Seriously?  Ridiculous!  I swear they're like the kids in high school who thought everything mainstream was lame.  I grew up in the 'burbs, and I used to love listening to these assclowns who were like "Man Sugar Land sucks!  As soon as I'm old enough I'm outta here!"  Yeah don't think I don't remember that when you're serving me drinks at the Baker's Street out there.  Way to escape main stream, fools.
   Wow, where was I?  Oh yeah, Terminator Salvation.  Well, I bought the director's cut on blu-ray last week, and I liked it even more than the theatrical version.  Why?  Well, I don't remember any scenes being added or extended or anything, except (and yeah this is a total dude comment) that you see that one chick naked.  That's it.  Still, totally worth a director's cut.  My favorite part is that the scene is completely pointless.  It's like McG (the director) was saying to his crew "Hey I bet I can get her to take her shirt off if I tell her it's for the director's cut."  Well, whatever you did, McG... awesome.
   A lot of people bashed this new movie, but I really think you should give it a chance.  Consider the size of the undertaking here.  Not only do you have to follow two of the best movies (and one not so great movie) of all time... you're working in uncharted territory.  Sure we've seen flash-forwards to the big post-apocolyptic battle, but we've never spent two hours there.  These dudes were working from scratch, and honestly they did a great job.  Sure there are some weird story elements, but no one's perfect.  The overall picture you get from this flick is that they really respected the material, and they did their best to open the door for the future.  But to see that this movie grossed less than "T:3," which was really just unacceptably aweful and should have never been made... well that's just sad.
   Do yourself a favor.  Go buy this movie.  Check it out, seriously.  If nothing else, you get some great special effects.  And if you're not a hardcore fan who already knows everything (or thinks he knows everything) about the Terminator world, check out the special features too.  They did a nice job of explaining why they made the choices they made, and I think it really helps to flesh out the back story and the images that you see.  There's a lot more film here than some stupid site like Rotten Tomatoes will let on.  Do yourself another favor, and never go to that miserable excuse for a collection of critics again.

Man of the Year --VS-- Swing Vote
   I figured I'd shake it up a little for these movie reviews.  Considering both of these movies are about politics (must have been during election time when I added them to my queue), and considering that neither of them were very good, I thought it might be interesting to put them up head to head.  Of course, you're still probably better off just skipping this review, as well as these movies.  Still here?  Alright...
   Concept: "Man of the Year" Is a lot more plausible and realistic than "Swing Vote."  While an election coming down to one man is so slim and ridiculous it might as well be fantasy, I really could see someone like John Stewart or Stephen Colbert or Bill Mahr running for office.  And you know what?  I think they might have a shot.  So while Swing Vote had me running for the door within the first 10 minutes, at least Man of the Year was slightly believable.
   Story: It's funny to me that neither of these movies are really about the presidency at all.  Man of the Year is a terribly woven love story, full of what I guess is supposed to be endearing awkward pauses.  In the end it's just uncomfortable and actually pretty stupid.  Swing Vote has a very nice little background opportunity with a decent (and new) little actress... but they don't really flesh it out too well, and the movie continually changes focus.  I'm going to give both of these movies a "tie" in this category.  And by "tie" I mean "terrible."
   Actors:  There were some huge names in both of these movies.  Cristopher Walkin?  Lewis Black?  Kelsey Grammar?  Dennis Hopper?  Kevin Costner?  Are you kidding me?  The casting for Man of the year actually kinda worked, since there were several instances that went off for each of these comics to make fun of politics.  The downside was there were a lot of canned laughs that were just painful to watch.  I wonder if those guys find each other even remotely funny in the real world?  On the Swing Vote side, I was surprised to see so many big names jump at such a stupid idea.  Costner was a producer on this one, so I can see why he was invested in it, but Costner has done some really REALLY stupid movies in his time.  Unfortunately for him, he was upstaged by a little girl who, while she may not have been a "Little Miss Sunshine," was still the best thing this movie had going for it.
   End Result: While both of these movies made me figuratively puke, "Swing Vote" only made me throw up in my mouth a little, while "Man of the Year" had me vomming in a toilet.  "Swing Vote" actually gets almost entertaining by the end... don't ask me how, and I'm not saying it's really believable or anything, but at least you feel a LITTLE for those characters.  "Man of the Year" was just sad... and the sadness I felt was more pity towards these actors who clearly didn't realize the terrible turd they were making at the time.  If you have to pick one, go "Swing Vote," but honestly you'd probably be better stabbing yourself with a fork rather than watching either of these masterpieces.

Deuce.