ChestNogs

   Do they really roast chestnuts on an open fire? Does that even taste good? What the hell are chestnuts anyway? I'm a nog man myself. I've already had quite a big of nog, and the fact that I can barely button my jeans is a testament to my devotion to that wonderful drink. I prefer my nog plain, with no booze, though I will also drink it with booze if that's what's available. It's gotta be really cold though... I can't do it like where it's been sitting out in someone's living room for the past few hours. When you really think about it, drinking Nog is serious business.
   The best Nog is made by Promised Land. It's also the most expensive. High class comes with a high price tag. Promised Land comes in a glass bottle, and I prefer to drink it straight from the bottle... though that's not always socially acceptable. My go-to nog, however, is Schepps. It's got a good consistency and flavor, and the bottle/jug/whatever that it comes in is probably the most festive. In a pinch, I've also been known to hit up HEB brand eggnog, though I have to say it pales in comparison to the other two. I avoid all other brands like the plague, because to me they're not real eggnog. Borden tastes like you're chewing eggnog gum, and southern comfort acts like they're counting on you adding booze (because without it the flavor is way off).


   In case you haven't noticed, this is going to be the "holiday edition" of this whole thing. I've been pretty busy with work so I haven't been checking up on cool stuff that's going on on the interwebz.... not that anyone cares about that anyway. I DO have a couple of movie reviews, so hooray for that I guess. But first, some very important, even crucial, holiday information: here are the movies that you HAVE to see during the holidays. I you don't, you're just a jerk.
   A Christmas Story: The classic, though it's really not the best. A Christmas story follows the traditional story of a kid who wants something so bad he might pee a little, and his quest to be the best boy ever in the hopes that santa will bring him the toy he wants. Even though he'll probably wind up shooting his eye out with it. You're in luck with this one, because TBS airs it non-stop starting on Christmas Eve. Even if you're passed out on the couch from eating too much ham and drinking too much nog, you'll eventually take in this whole flick.
   National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: This one's the REAL classic. Chevy Chase and his clan try to survive the holidays and their weird families. I'm not going to go into great detail with this one, because if you've seen it you know exactly what I'm talking about. All I'm going to say is that if you HAVEN'T seen this movie, you haven't experienced Christmas. This movie has some of the best lines and the most hilarious situations I've ever seen. Go get it right now.
   The Snowman: A personal favorite, I grew up on the Snowman. You can catch this entire movie (in pieces) on youtube, but it would be best to get it on DVD. Try to find the version narrated by the british guy, not David Bowie (what the hell is he doing up in an attic anyway? Weird). This movie's cool because there are no spoken lines. It's all done musically. It's short, but it's really nicely animated and it tells a great (if kind of sad) christmas story.
   Bad Santa: Here's a good one for when the kids go to bed, unless you're a sick bastard, then I guess you can let them watch. Billy Bob does a great job playing a sleazeball, and it's a story that's all too real and sad at the same time. One of the Cohn Brothers' better movies, if you ask me. It's dark, it's demented, but it's hilarious. And I dare you to not go walking around saying "Santa?" constantly after you've watched it.
   Jingle All The Way: I was actually concerned I was going to miss this one this year, but I caught a glimpse of it yesterday. Arnold Schwarzenegger (yeah, he did a holiday movie) vs Sinbad... I can't think of any greater challenge for the manw ho has defeated terminators and predators. This movie is cliche and really quite stupid, but it's just one of those things you gotta see. And make sure you're paying attention during the parade, because this movie has one of the best lines in any movie ever. You gotta pay attention though, it goes by quick.
   The Charlie Brown Christmas: Classic. Total Classic. If you haven't seen this one, go slap your parents in the face for not raising you right.  The story isn't even really what's important about this movie, so much as the atmosphere.  The droll delivery of Charlie Brown and friends as they go through all the cliches of the Peanuts world, but this time with Christmas instead of Thanksgiving or Easter or (insert holiday here).
   Rudolph/Frosty/Etc: There are a number of good, old-school Christmas movies that I'll just lump together here.  Most of them will be shown on TV at some point before Christmas, but I think I actually saw a set of them released on blu-ray.  I don't know if I want to see the Abomidable Snowman in HD,  but I guess whatever tickles your fancy...
   So did I miss some?  Sure.  But it's more likely that I've heard of the Christmas movie you think I glazed over, when in reality I'm all too aware of it but I just know it's stupid.  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.  Oh, and happy holidays.


Angels and Demons
   I guess this is fitting for the time of year too, right?  Angels vs. Demons, I mean isn't that kinda what this is all about?  Anyway, here's the sequel to the ever-so-popular book and not-nearly-as-popular movie, "The Da Vinci Code."  I never read either of the books, but I did enjoy the first movie, and I have to say that while this second one didn't quite captivate me in the same way, it was also pretty entertaining.
   I'd watch Tom Hanks in anything.  Except porn.  But regular movies, anything.  Well, except "Lady Killers," that movie was justg awful.  In fact, there are some other movies with Tom Hanks that I'm really not inerested in either.  Okay I completely retract my first statement there.  But he's good in these movies... I think he must completely agree with the stance his character takes (science before, though not necessarily above, religion).  Regardless, he's good in these movies.  There were a lot of good actors in this movie, actually, and I think it helped the story in the end.  The story itself isn't quite so mysterious or I guess typical of what I expected coming off the Davinci Code, but it's still entertaining.  It's much more thriller to me and less religious controversy.  I wasn't wowed by any of the information that was divulged, and I really wasn't surprised by any of the twists.  That said, it was still fun to watch and had some cool locations as well.
   If you liked Da Vinci code, I think you should give this movie a shot.  If you didn't, or you don't like Mr. Hanks (what kind of person are you?), or you think the books are better (riiiiiight), well, then you don't have to be a detective to know you probably shouldn't waste your time with this one.  Why don't you go re-read the book instead?  It shouldn't take more than two hours, right?  And it'll be loaded with beautiful images and touching music too, right?  Isn't that how books are?  Right.


The Wrestler
   If there's one thing I learned from this movie, it's that Mickey Rourke is an ugly dude.  I think he frightened me more than anything the Wrestler could have thrown at me.  But this movie, while not bad I guess, was also nothing like I expected.
   Let's just get this out of the way right off the bat: I get the gimmick they were going for here.  There were some very long shots that followed Rourke through several different locations.  The most impressive was probably the grocery store, where the dude somehow managed to follow Rourke down a flight of very narrow stairs.  Just picturing someone trying to do that with a steady cam is funny, yet also impressive.  But this movie's biggest feat is also its hugest flaw.  Who gives a shit that you can follow some guy around?  All that hard work results in several minutes of me staring at the back of this guy's head.  It does nothing to advance the plot, it doesn't even look that cool, and it completely takes me (the viewer) out of the movie.  I hate that.  Soderbergh, who I despise as a director, is famous for that (racking focus during the middle of shots for no reason at all, etc).  I'm here to  be entertained, not look at your skill as a movie maker.
   The story of this movie is also just not that impressive.  It's hard for me to feel bad for a guy when he's a huge dick all the time.  It'd be different if he were trying his best but he continually had bad luck or got sold out or something, but this guy's a jerk and he definitely deserves everything he got.  I'm not sure if feeling sorry for this guy was the point, but it sure did seem like that's what they were trying to do.  I guess.  Maybe instead they were more interested in seeing where they could follow this guy ("hey, let's have him get into a car, then drive for awhile, then go to the library and walk up and down some rows of books, then we'll have him climb a ladder and see if the camera can follow him through all of that.  Now THAT'S movie making!")  Maybe these guys should have watched "Cinderella Man" for some pointers on how to drive up sympathy for a guy.
   This movie got a lot of praise, and I can't tell you how many people came up to me like "oh man you've GOT to see this movie, it's gonna blow your mind!"  Why?  Would someone please enlighten me as to what exactly this movie had that was so incredible?  I wanted to like it, I really did.  Instead I wanted to fall asleep.


   Alright folks, I'm not gonna post until after the holidays (believe it or not, I do have better things to do)... so have a happy one, and I hope Santa brings you everything you asked for...