Side Effects Include...

   What is this world coming to?  What have we allowed to happen?  How has it come to the point where our airwaves are ruled by big pharmaceuticals?  Why is pharmaceuticals such a hard word to spell?  Seriously though, you can't turn on the TV without seeing a commercial for some kind of new medication, which is supposed to treat something, but which also has side effect so serious that you'll need medication for THAT.  And thus, the cycle begins.  I swear this is worse than anything you'll find on a street corner... it's like once they get you sucked in on something, you're dependent on them for the rest of your life.  So, I'm going to start a new little segment here called "Medication of the week."  This week's winner is one of my favorites: "Restasis."  Restasis claims to treat chronic dry-eye (isn't there already a cure for that?), but it's actually more likely to kill you.
   The Commercial: The commercial couldn't be more bland.  They try to play it off like it's a friendly conversation with your doctor.  The main problem here is that the doctor's a bitch.  It's like they told her "be as condescending as possible."  And she acts like she could care less about her patient's needs.  She puts on that fake-friendly front that makes me want to throw her out a window.  Then this naive lady just takes what the doctor says and says "hey whatever, give me that crap!"  Addict.  Oh, and then she reads the side effects for the drug AWAY from the patient, like she's trying to hide them from her!  Nice!
   The Side Effects:  This drug shouldn't be used if you have an active eye infection, or if you have Herpes of the eye.  If you have herpes of the eye you've got bigger problems.  How the hell did you wind up getting herpes in your eye?  Nevermind, I don't want to know.  The most common side effect is a burning sensation.  Awesome, isn't that why I took this medicine?  To get rid of burning eyes?
   The End Result: My favorite part of this commercial is the end, when the (fake) doctor says she takes Restasis herself.  Wow!  That DEFINITELY makes me want to take it.  So Restasis turns you into a condescending, asshole doctor?  What's the message you're really sending out here people?  What I love most about Restasis is that it completely cancels itself out.  You take it to stop burning eyes, and the most common side effect is burning eyes.  They willingly admit that they're worthless.  That's advertising money well spent, and medication money even better spent!

I'm TOTALLY, Like, Spying on You...
   Hey Parents!  Are you tired of your teens sneaking around?  Are you sick of them taking your car, smoking out in it, and returning it with only half a tank?  Well worry no more!  With the new "Tiwi," you can now spy on your kids 24/7/365!  That means all day every day!  Privacy?  Who needs that when you can be a spy?
   This is a real device.  You plug it into your car somehow, and it monitors everything your kids do behind the wheel.  You can set a radius so that they can only drive so far... you can have it monitor their speed, and you can probably tell if they're making out with their boyfriend/girlfriend/football team in the back seat.  In other words, you're going to learn waaaaaayyyy more than you want about your kids with this lovely new gadget.
   On the one hand, I'm actually tempted to say that something like this is actually needed these days.  Kids are so stupid now it's ridiculous.  They've grown up in a world where NOTHING is more than a click away, and it shows.  Consider this: anytime someone aged, say, 20 or younger, is put into a position where they have to take some responsibility or initiative, the majority of them will fail.  They try to fight you, they try to say they want to be independent, but kids right now are more helpless than any I've ever seen.  So take these idiots and put them behind the wheel of a car... something that could actually hurt or kill someone.  Kind of scary, really.  I don't trust these kids to reheat a frozen hamburger at the fast-food joint... I sure as hell don't trust them to not screw around when they're driving.
   However, I also think this little device is an incredible invasion of privacy.  I don't give a damn about your kids privacy here, don't get me wrong... but I do think it will only lead to disappointment for you, the parent.  You're going to see first hand just how lame your kids are.  I guarantee if you put this into a car and don't tell the kid, you'll be sad when you see just how awkward they are with friends (forget girls)... or that they don't really have any friends.  Or, maybe even worse, that they think they're cool, when really what they need is to be backhanded by an angry gorilla.

iWaste of Time
   Yesterday was stupid.  The world sat on the brink of disaster, not waiting for the President's State of the Union Speech (who cares about that?)... no, they were waiting with baited breath for Apple's big announcement: the ipad.  Or maybe the better name is the "iUseless."
   Sadly, Useless is exactly what this turd is.  That article up there does a really good job of pointing out (a few) of the reasons why the ipad is a complete waste of your time and money... but the biggest gamebreaker for me is that this thing has no flash support whatsoever.  That means youtube, hulu, pretty much any sensible site streaming video out there won't work on it.  Now why would Apple leave out something so huge, something so important as Flash?  So that no one can design their own operating system and run it on an Apple computer (so I've been told).
   Think about that for a minute.  Are you a panty-twisting Apple lover, or do you know someone who never shuts up about how much he loves his Mac?  Well, tell those morons to consider this:  Apple is no different from Microsoft.  The only difference is, they're smaller.  Apple has done a great job of painting themselves as the underdog, the ones who may be smaller in the computer biz, but they actually care about their customers... unlike big old mean Microsoft.  That is absolute, 100% bullshit. 
   If Apple had played their cards right and gotten big, they would be EXACTLY like Microsoft, if not worse!  What are the biggest complaints against Microsoft?  They're a monopoly?  Apple is a Monopoly.  At least you can run other programs on Windows (like, ahem, Flash).  Sure Microsoft has done some shady things like developing Internet Explorer or (now with Windows 7) offering Native Quicktime support (which means you don't have to download it from Apple - which you should still do).  But Apple is the exact same.  Do they allow you to make your own apps?  No.  Do they allow other companies to make apps?  Nope.  In fact, they've banned quite a few apps that compete with their own software.  If that's no monopolizing, I don't know what is.  When Microsoft Undercuts Firefox, you call them assholes.  When Apple doesn't allow other companies to build their computers (which would drastically lower the price), you call it quality control.  And you're a hypocrite.
   But back to the tablet.  Apple is a master of coming up with new technology that you never knew you needed, but now for some reason you can't live without.  What is the iphone really, besides a glorified GPS device?  Oooo I can already feel some of you getting pissed off about that one... but what do you REALLY use your iphone for?  Updating Facebook?  Tweeting?  Checking email?  Finding your way somewhere?  I'm not even going to say anymore, if you don't realize how stupid you are then all hope is lost.  The ipad is just a bigger, heavier, stupider iphone.  For $600 dollars, you can read books, OR you can listen to music (can't do both), OR you can visit a website which probably won't function correctly because so many sites now integrate at least SOME flash into their interfaces.
   The worst part about this is that people are going to line up for this expensive paperweight.  How long is this going to go on?  How much longer will people throw their money at this company before they realize what they've done?  Is it going to take Apple getting as big as Microsoft before people come to the stunning realization that they're stupid?  I hope not, because that's not going to happen... not for a long, long time.  So enjoy your ipad, idiots, I'm sure it'll look nice on your shelf, or in your attic, which is where most of them will wind up when people realize how useless they are.  In the meantime, if you want real innovation, check out the "big bad" Surface, which has been out longer and does so much more.

Now Look Uh...
   Alright let's get serious just for a minute.  I'm sure most of you missed the State of the Union speech last night.  You probably had better things to do, like file your nails or jump out of a fast-moving vehicle.  But I actually sat through the whole thing, and for being over an hour long it actually wasn't too bad.  Say what you will about Obama, no one can argue that he's helped make politics more mainstream.  Watching his speech last night was like watching wrestling.  You know the part where the first guy runs out and starts talking all kinds of shit about the guy he's about to fight, and then suddenly the lights go dark, the music kicks up, and the other guy comes barrelling down the ramp to kick some ass?  That's what it was like.  I kept waiting for a huge music hit, and then the doors kick open and here comes Palin in bondage, ready to fight Obama to the death.  Well, politics isn't that awesome (yet), but believe it or not, this speech was important.
   First off, let me just say (again) that I don't support Obama.  I don't hate the guy either, though.  I think all things considered, he's done about as well as anyone else could have over the past year.  He's made some tough choices, which whether you like them or not you have to admit is more than previous presidents were willing to do.  He's also a very charismatic guy, which is what the President really should be.  The president is pretty useless when you think about it... the guy can't take a dump without permission from Congress... but what he can do is inspire the American people to push Congress to move on certain topics.  I would argue that Obama does a better job of that than any predecessor I can think of.  And last night's speech was a good example of that.
   The main things that stood out to me: Barack wants to make the banks pay back their stimulus money.  This is a great idea in theory, but I'll be interested to see whether he can actually pull it off.  He also wants to make all earmarks public, so that we can see what the lobbyists are forcing into the new bills that get passed.  My thinking here is, what are lobbyists doing in Washington anyway?  What part of democracy allows huge companies to pay people to sit there and nag senators and representatives until they cave into their needs?  Or even worse, how does it work where those companies can funnel money to those same politicians, in exchange for said earmarks?  The whole idea of lobbyists is terrible.  This is a government for the people, not for the giant companies... right?  I guess not.
   What I took away from this speech is that we might be out of the worst of this whole recession thing, but we're still in some pretty deep shit.  There's going to be a lot of fighting over the next year over things like budget, healthcare, etc.  But I would honestly rather have a year of fighting than have a year where everyone agrees on something just for the sake of agreeing (screw what the people want!).  And I like that he called out media for dumbing down everything and influencing the people who watch.  I don't know if many people in media remember this, but that's not our job.  And I'm speaking to everyone my age here: you really need to watch this speech.  I'm sure you can find the highlights on youtube somewhere (just don't go to a blogger because you know you're only going to get his side).  The world is reaching the point where the baton is going to be handed over to our generation, and we need to go in there with at least some idea of the things that are going on.  That is all.

Avatar
   James Cameron returns with another MONSTER-budget movie, this time centered around a marine (with nothing to lose) who agrees to join up on a science mission to a new planet.  This planet is full of an incredibly valuable mineral called unobtainium(!) and is also populated with a race of giant blue creatures who don't want their planet ravaged.  The marine joins the "Avatar" program, which allows him to take on the persona of one of these blue creatures, with the goal of infiltrating and controlling them.  Of course, once he gets with the people, nothing is as clear as that.
   The story of "Avatar" is, unfortunately, it's most unforgettable part.  It's pretty much your run-of-the-mill "Pocahontas," "Dances with Wolves," "Last Samurai" type story, with one twist: the main character is just another asshole.  He's nothing special like Dunbar (Dances with Wolves) or Algrin (Last Samurai).  He's not philosophical, he doesn't hate his race, he's just a marine who happens to be paralyzed and wants some money and something to do.  I liked that.  What I didn't like was the "unobtainium" that they're going after.  Seriously?  Unobtanium?  That's like the name someone put in a rough draft of the script and said "we'll come up with something later..." only to have it wind up in the final version and on the big screen.  Big mistake Captain Obvious.  The story isn't BAD, really, it's just kinda predictable and meh.
   The story is also the ONLY thing I had ANY problem with in this movie.  Let's get this out of the way right now: "Avatar" is an absolute feast for the eyes.  This is by far the best use of 3-D I've ever seen.  Most times when you hear 3-d, you expect gimmicky movements that put things in your face (like a huge man holding a boat propellor before he kills piranhas - yes that movie is coming out).  But I don't know if Cameron invented this new camera or if he helped or what... whatever he did, it creates some of the most stunning images I've ever seen.  The 3-D is nuance, and that makes all the difference.  All the scenes have so much depth, like looking through a spaceship or over a cliff.  It just adds dimension to the screen, which makes the whole experience about a million times more immersive.  That's the basis for what makes this movie so great.
   Tack on top of that the spectacular visual effects, and you've got magic.  This is going to be one of those movies where the "making of" feature is just as entertaining as the movie itself.  I don't know numbers, but I can already tell you there was so much motion capturing, so much CGI in this movie that it's going to blow you away.  But what will blow you away even more is the incredible work done by those clowns at WETA.  They did Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia, both great special effects movies... but NOTHING compared to "Avatar."  You will literally forget that you're not watching people in costumes.  The lighting, the texturing, everything is so incredibly "real" that this movie is sure to take away a nice number of Academy Awards for visual effects alone.
   The soundtrack was done by Cameron's buddy, James Horner.  Luckily, it sounds nothing like the shitfest that was "Titanic."  By the way, I still haven't seen that movie, and I never will.  The only thing I like about it is that it gave Cameron enough money to redeem himself with "Avatar."  The sounds of this movie go very well with the images.  You can tell this is inspired work by Horner, like he's been waiting for something like this to come along.  The main theme is great, and the little effects he puts on the underlying music only add to the stunning visuals for a complete experience that you have to see/hear to believe.
   And that's what I think you should do: See Avatar.  See it as soon as possible, and see it in 3-D.  You have to see it in 3-d.  That makes all the difference.  This is not one you want to wait for at home, even on Blu-Ray.  The experience just won't be the same.  Say what you will about Avatar's story... you need to see this if for nothing else than for the amazing visuals.  These visuals will revolutionize the industry, and (hopefully) create a whole new world of non-cheesy, 100%-believable 3-D on the big screen.  Give James Cameron your money, I promise you it's worth it, and here's to hoping he won't disappoint with future movies now that he's sitting on the best technology since color film.

   Whew, that's a lot of ground covered.  Hey guess what?  I'm going to be in the Superbowl commercial this year.  Since CBS is hosting the superbowl, our station gets to have a couple of commercials, and I get to be in it.  So keep your eyes peeled on gameday, and I'll post it online once it's aired as well.  Until next time...