I Ate an Entire Bunny

Short week, early entry. Hope everyone's planning to have a good Easter, though if you're here in Houston it could get pretty nasty. Weather-wise, not dead-bunny-on-the-side-of-the-road-wise. Unless you run over a bunny. Anyway, I'm still kinda trying to figure out this whole Blogger business, and to be honest I'm not sure if I'm going to stay over here. I tried to sign up for this tracking thing so I can figure out if anyone's even reading these, but I don't think it's giving me accurate results. Hey, maybe this week if you read, leave me a comment just to let me know you were here, and, you know, to make me feel wanted.

Nanu-Nanu
So the big nerd news this week is that NASA is have a space orgasm over the fact that they're getting ready to launch this new satellite whose sole purpose is to look for planets in our galaxy that can support life. Wow that was a long sentence. Yeah, I guess this satellite is going to scan the stars and look for planets that are in the "sweet spot" like Earth. Of course I find this ridiculous, or else I wouldn't be writing about it...
How the hell does NASA know what this "sweet spot" is? We know what it is for us, but for all we know the aliens who are out there are breathing cyanide and pooping hydraulic acid. Maybe their skin is made of metal, or maybe they don't have bodies at all. When it really comes down to it, NASA is a great example of wasted time, effort, and money. Sure they invented velcro, but what else have they REALLY accomplished? They supposedly landed someone on the moon. Big deal, we knew there was nothing there before we did it. We managed to get something made of tin-foil to fly in a vacuum. Great, that was worth billions of tax dollars. And recently we've been able to put a school bus into space where sick people can pee in a jar and try to convert it to water. Do you really have to be in space to do that? Really?
Hey, what if we go through all this trouble looking for life, only to discover that WE are in fact the most advanced life forms in our galaxy? How crazy would that be? "Well how do you explain all those UFO sightings then, Mr. Bobby?" Shut up. No check this out: what if those "aliens" we're seeing are really US in the future. Hear me out. Everyone who sees these aliens has a similar story. Short scrawny little dudes with big eyes and big weird heads. They don't talk, they communicate telepathically. Is it really so hard to believe that it couldn't be humanity in a few thousand years? We're already heading in that direction. We sit in cubicles or offices or on computers all day long. We don't get out in the sun like we used to (because it causes "cancer" or whatever), so over time our skin could conceivably lose its pigmentation. Look at the kids nowadays... my sister can go an entire day without saying a word, all you hear is the "click click click" of her thumbs beating up her cell phone with text messages. If humanity stays on this track, it won't be long before talking is not the preferred form of communication anymore. So we start shrinking because we have no need to work out, and our mouths go away because we don't talk anymore. Maybe we don't become telepathic, but maybe we just install little cell phones in our brains so we can "brain text" constantly? Next question: why would we bother travelling back in time? Well, why not? What other species in the history of this planet has ever been a big enough asshole to go to a creature's natural habitat, grab it, and drop it into a cage somewhere? No one. We assume aliens would do this, because WE would do it to THEM if we had the chance. Try THAT hat on for size.
Alright, I'll admit this is all a little far-fetched... I'm just saying it's possible. At least as possible that some aliens from the other side of the galaxy have nothing better to do than come screw with rednecks and crazy ex-military people.

Hate the Play-Time, not the Playa
We ran a story the other day about how there's apparently a big battle going on over recess at schools. I guess some parents felt like their kids weren't getting enough recess, so they asked to make it mandatory for all schools. Sounds great, right? I wish my parents were cool enough to fight for more recess... lord knows I was. But here's the part that makes me laugh: suddenly out of the shadows come all these other parents who are pissed because there's any kind of recess at all!
I don't really know the specifics of their argument because I tend to not listen to people who are that stupid anyway... but I assume their argument has something to do with how recess takes away from the education of our kids, and because kids play games like tag or soccer, where there are winners and losers (UNACCEPTABLE!), or some other weak sauce like that. But the bottom line is, kids NEED recess.
Recess doesn't just serve as a reminder to kids of just how lame school is, it also teaches them valuable life lessons. If you give Mary a flower, she might kiss you. Translation: buy your chick nice stuff and she won't cheat on you. If you lose in soccer, play harder next time and maybe you'll win. Translation: if you don't get that job, try harder and tuck in your fucking shirt next time you slob. If you punch Billy in the face in front of a teacher, you get time out (but if you do it behind the tree, no one can prove anything and Billy could just as easily be lying). Translation: don't hit on that cute girl at the bar while her boyfriend is around, wait until he goes to the bathroom and then if things go south you can just be like "that bitch is CRAZY!"
Recess needs to stay. Seriously, it does. We're at a very pivotal point right now in kids' education. We've already changed the lives of kids forever by trying to ingrain in their mind that there are never "losers" in life, and there's medicine for everything (more on this later)... let's not ruin it further by taking away from them the fact that life can still be fun even in the middle of a boring ass day of science labs and math problems. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN DAMMIT!

Fatty Fat Fatkin
This week's CBS Early Show atrocity: Diagnosing Obesity in kids under the age of 4. 4! It's bad enough that we're calling little kids fat, now we're going after babies too? Hey, I'm not a parent and I'm not really that bright when it comes to this whole "kid" thing, but uh, aren't babies SUPPOSED to be fat? Every time a family member has a baby and brings him/her to the family gathering, all the women are all like "aw look how pudgy his little legs are! He looks just like his daddy!" and all the men are like "I'm going to get another beer." How can anyone diagnose a four year old kid as "obese?"
I weighed 8lbs when I was born. Not huge, but by no means a "small" baby. So was I "obese?" No. In fact there wasn't even a consideration for that. But then doctors figured out that they could use big weird words to scare the shit out of parents, and they started what has become in my opinion the biggest problem of this generation: over-diagnosis. Turn on the TV. Go ahead, go turn it on. Or if you're at work or whatever, go to any website (except Google which is still cool enough to not run ads). Chances are, you're going to see at least one ad for some time of medication. And chances are, there are so many side effects listed that you don't even know what the medicine actually treats. Seriously, I was taking a crap at my mom's the other day and there was a reader's digest over there, so I looked inside and there was an ad for some kind of pill... but after the ad were PAGES of side effects and warnings. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember when kids were hyper? All kids are hyper, they have energy, it's part of being a kid. But now it's not them being hyper, it's them being ADD. Fuck that. Got a sore back? Might be some kind of arthritis... better take this pill. Sure it'll give you ulcers, but when that happens you just take this other pill. Oh, except that one can give you heart palpatations, better take this one. Be ready though, because the side effects include an uncontrollable urge to gamble. There's no pill for that, since it involves you throwing your money away.
Which takes us to the point: doctors, pharmaceutical companies, the government, whoever you want to blame... the medical industry has finally figured out how to insure it's future and bleed americans dry. With FEAR. They've got us all so worked up that we diagnose every little thing that goes wrong (with us AND our loved ones). Don't get me wrong, doctors are important, and sometimes they even come up with some pretty smart ideas. But there's a seedy underside to the medical industry, and unfortunately that's the one we're seeing more of these days. I remember the first time I saw one of those medical commercials with all kinds of side effects listed... I thought "this can't last." I was WAY wrong. Now those are some of the most highly-produced spots on television. They hire decent actors to pretend like everyone has a conversation about Plavix on the baseball field, or it's totally okay for medical students to tell their professor about the side effects of Ambien (bitch as if the prof didn't already know!)
It's getting out of hand, but it's not going to stop until we as a society stop freaking out about everything. I have a newsflash for you: we're all going to die. It'll happen one day, and NOTHING you can do will stop it. You can take pills every day as long as you're on this planet, but you're not going to live a day longer than you're supposed to. So why not try enjoying life instead of worrying about every little thing? So your back hurts, do stretches. So you're having trouble going to sleep. Figure out something else to do until you get tired. Stop letting these assholes tell you you're messed up and take your money. Stop calling babies fat or obese, and start raising them to be good people. Punch your pharmacist in the face. Whatever makes you feel good...

Check it out... because I'm such an awesome guy, I'm going to start making all the titles for movie reviews into links, so you can check out the imdb page and actually read VALUABLE information on those movies. But still read my reviews, I work hard on them...

The Promotion
Here's a movie that completely slipped under the radar. And wouldn't you know it... it's actually pretty good. Two dudes who both have miserable lives working at a grocery store, both trying to move up, and both competing for the same job. Comedy gold, right?
Actually, what you wind up with in this movie is a kind of sad and totally close to realistic view of just what it's like working in a shithole like a grocery store. Maybe that's why this movie hit home for me... I spent six years of my life miserable, working in a pet store. Do you have any idea what it's like working in a spot where not only are you smarter than your boss... you're smarter than her boss, her boss' boss, and probably a good 75% of the company? It's brutal. And while it's hilarious to watch people suffer from the outside, it's complete hell when you're actually in it.
I think this is one of those movies that everyone NEEDS to see. Sure it's good and entertaining (and a complete departure for some of the actors who are in it), but it's also a nice look at what life is like for these people. Maybe after seeing this movie, you'll think twice about yelling at that mildly retarded cashier who can't remember the sku# for celery, or you'll actually clean up after your dog after he shits all over the fish aisle, instead of just assuming the pet store guy will do it with a smile on his face. Yeah assholes, I'm talking to all of you. You were lucky enough to get out of having to go through years of retail torture... but getting perspective from watching this movie will be the next best thing.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
Here's what I thought when I popped this movie into my DVD player: "ah, a movie starring that scrawny kid from Superbad, and the weird looking chick from Charlie Bartlett... no doubt both of them will be playing the same roles they always do, and it's a movie about music so no doubt there will be lots of arguments over who has a better sound (one of my biggest movie pet-peeves)." But for some reason, I popped it in anyway. I'm glad I did.
I realize I may be one of the only people on the planet who hadn't seen this movie until this week, but who cares I'm reviewing it anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was actually a pretty charming little movie about high schoolers who think they're grownups and have no idea just how stupid or immature they're acting. I enjoyed it. Really. And there was only one music argument in the entire thing, which I can deal with. The Superbad kid was himself, but it's still funny so by all means continue. The Charlie Bartlett chick surprised me in that she wasn't quite as annoying. And I don't have any idea who the other chick was (the "hot" one), but she definitely had crazy eyes. In a good way. I'll stop here before I write anything that could be used against me in a court of law.
The music in this movie was fantastic. I'm sure that was a big concern for its creators... I'm sure they spent literally MINUTES going over the soundtrack, trying to figure out what would piss off the fewest people and still be good. Music fans are rabid, and if you leave out something they think should be in, it's the END man. I don't know shit about any of the bands or music that was in this movie, but I liked almost all of it. I also liked some of the more creative visuals... that barfy toilet was so realistic that I almost puked when I saw what happened (I won't ruin the fun). And the sex scene was done in a very creative and rather harmless way as well.
The only downside here was that I still couldn't get over just how ridiculous these kids acted. They got into every nightclub in the city, they bought drinks, they did drugs, and the Superbad kid left a hot and barely dressed girl in the middle of nowhere. In New York. In the middle of the night. I think this movie would have been a million times better had the kids been in college and the movie set in a little bit less weird city, like LA. Yeah. But I enjoyed it, and I think you will too. Thumbs up on this one.

Role Models
Wow, three for three this week. "Role Models" was another surprisingly good movie. This first struck me as a "Step Brothers" type movie. Great concept, but it would probably work better as an SNL skit than a full length movie. Luckily, I was wrong. This movie actually had a decent story, and some really funny moments as well.
First off, it was nice to see Stiffler back into a role he's more comfortable with (being Stiffler). And Paul Rudd has some of the greatest reactionary facial expressions I've ever seen. Read that last sentence again, check out how many big words I used. The kids were funny, but it was these two guys who made the movie work.
One thing I will say about this movie, and it's a complaint that I have about a LOT of movies coming out now. It just didn't feel like a "movie" to me. In my opinion, a good movie will really get you into it. "Tommy Boy" is a great movie, because you go on a hilarious journey with these guys. "SuperBad" was a great movie because a LOT happened in the course of a day. "Role Models" was enjoyable, but it fell short of greatness because the whole thing felt rushed. There was almost no character or plot development. Hell the movie is just over an hour long... what's up with that? I would say they probably left a lot on the cutting room floor, but I watched the unedited version. I wonder if they had waited another six months for this movie, fleshed it out a little more, maybe they could have really achieved comedy gold. Instead they'll have to settle for a few laughs and maybe a couple of quotable lines down the road. I'm giving this one a "meh."

Alright folks,that's gonna do it for me this week. Tune in next week for... well, I don't know. I'll think of something.