Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I am absolutely, completely, 100% terrified of bees. Bees, wasps, hornets, any type of bug that looks like one of those things and has a stinger (and even some who don't have a stinger). It's a fear that's gripped me since childhood, and one that I have to revisit every summer. Every time I mow the lawn, every time I go out into the garage, hell every time I walk Frank, I am living in constant fear.
The first time I was ever stung by a bee was when I was 7. I was just getting out of the car in the parking lot at wal-mart, when the little fucker flew up and stung me on my hand. My dad said it was a Yellowjacket, but I don't know he could have possibly known... that thing came out of nowhere like a bat out of hell, stung me for absolutely no reason, and was gone before I could even figure out why my hand suddenly wanted to fall off. Up to that point, I'd never known pain like that... and I'd had stitches. Twice. I can't tell you how many more times I was stung after that, but it was a lot. Once I stepped on a bumble bee. Once a wasp got stuck in my shirt and stung me four times on my back. Once I was just walking through the yard and one popped me right in the chest. Once I was in my dad's truck, and when I reached into the back seat to get something there was one sitting on the seat that stung me on the arm. It was like a horrible nightmare that lasted for years.
You know what it is that really chaps my ass about bees? It's not even the pain so much as it is the vengeful nature of those little fuckers. It'd be one thing if I were messing with them, but that's just it. After that first sting, I NEVER wanted ANYTHING to do with bees of any kind... and yet they somehow always managed to find me. It's like they have little sensors in them that tell them when I'm close by. Without fail, if a bee flies by me, he WILL backtrack and come at me with stinger poised for battle. I don't understand it, it's like I'm marked for death.
Actually bees aren't the real problem. Bees more often than not die after stinging you... so they have a tough choice to make. I'd like to think the only time they sting is in a life or death situation. No, the real problem is wasps. Wasps, hornets, yellowjackets, anything that can sting a million times and keep on ticking. Wasps, as this image so beautifully illustrates, are built for war, and they will not hesitate to bring the pain.
Just the other day, there was a wasp's nest outside of my apartment. I asked the complex to get rid of it, which they did, but they didn't kill the wasp. So I'm walking out the door with Frank, and what do I see? A huge, angry wasp targeting me for destruction. I promptly went back inside and waited for a few minutes while the wasp went on his way... but when I reopened the door that fucker was RIGHT THERE WAITING FOR ME. I narrowly escaped. What was he doing there? Why was he waiting for me? Because he knew, that's why.
There was a time when I never left the house without a tennis racket. Tennis rackets might just be the best weapon against wasps. Sure you can use spray, but what if you miss? A tennis racket is the only way to guarantee your protection... and even then it only works against one or two. if you run into a hive, forget it. But there was a time when bees, wasps, hornets... they all feared me. They knew when I was coming and they retreated to their nests and hives until I was gone. Seriously, it happened. I killed more than a hundred bees that summer (yes I kept track), and I was never happier. But that must have been something that stuck with them forever. Something that their elders passed on from generation to generation... the story of the asshole with the tennis racket... along with a legend that one day he would put the racket down, and that was when they would strike.
Well, that time must be now, because they are coming after me like crazy. I have seriously considered going to Academy Sports and picking up a tennis racket, expressly for the purpose of beating the shit out of some wasps. I'm going to get stung soon, I can just feel it. And when I do, may mother nature protect bees and wasps everywhere, because I swear with everything in my body... I'm comin for ya.
Enough Already
If there's one thing I've definitely heard more than I want to hear about lately, it's that bitch Lindsay Lohan and all of her trials and tribulations. She's going to jail. WHO CARES. This is actually making network news people... a young woman who does drugs and makes really bad decisions, going to jail. How many times a day does that happen, seriously? And how many of those stories make the news? None. And yet, because this chick is (moderately) famous, she's getting coverage out the wazzoo for being a fuckup.
Who is Lindsay Lohan, anyway? She did some kids movies and one that looked maybe okay ("Prairie Home Companion" I think it was called). Anything else? Oh yeah, she used to be hot. Now she's so drugged up she looks more like a tranny hooker you'd see at a cheap strip club in Vegas, but hey... drugs'll do that. My point is, why does she get all of this attention from the media? Why does she deserve it?
You know my feelings on famous people, athletes, etc. In the end, they're all just people like you and me. Sure they've done some cool stuff... I can't say I wouldn't be in awe at the opportunity to shake Bruce Willis' hand, or to smoke a cigar with Mr. Shwarzenegger... but holy crap people, you all need to calm down. How boring are your lives that you can be entertained by sitting there and watching a young woman ruin her life? Do you actually feel sorry for her? Do you feel sorry for a girl who has a ton of money and everything she could possibly want, and yet somehow STILL manages to screw it up? Let me ask you this... do you feel just as sorry for the kid who grows up in the projects with nothing and doesn't stand a chance in this world, and falls to drugs just like mommy and daddy do? Probably not, and there's something seriously wrong with that.
The icing on the cake is that Lohan is probably going to be even MORE famous when she gets out of that wimpy jail (and by the way, don't count on her being there more than a week or two... her sentence was only 20 days). Oh, and while I'm on her sentence... how many people do you know who get 20 days for repeated, major drug offenses? Why is it that an actress, who really does nothing for this world's well-being, can get off the hook in weak-sauce jail after just a few days... while a garbage man, without whom society could not function, will be locked up in federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison for years for the same offense? There's also something seriously wrong there.
You want to fix Lohan? Ignore her. Once she realizes she's not going to get attention (no matter how stupid she acts), she'll grow up and get on with here life. Then the media can get back to reporting actual news, and I can sleep at night.
Butt Weight, There's More...
Who am I kidding? Some media outlets are NEVER going to report real news. Shows like "Good Morning America" and "The Today Show" will never be hard, straight-up newscasts... and really, that's okay. Sometimes you need to see the softer side of things, and when you wake up in the morning it's probably not a good idea to blast yourself with a bunch of death and depression. Just a thought. But there is one show which, despite being on the easier, morning side of things... which, despite having to worry less about timely news and more about interesting, even fun stuff to report on... STILL manages to screw it up. And that show, of course, is the CBS Early Show.
This week's (greatest) offense? Butt Pads. Yes, they're real. They're little pads that slide into the back of a chick's pants and make her but look bigger, or ghetto, or whatever. Give me a FREAKING break. First push-up bras, now butt pads? You've got to be kidding me. Right? Please?
Shame on you, butt pad makers, fo rmaking women think they can be something that they aren't. By creating these butt pads, you are not only perpetuating the views of women as objects, but you are also increasing the amount of disappointment men will feel towards their women. It's like makeup: women look pretty before they put makeup on. Then they look pretty with their makeup on. But then, if they take their makeup off, they don't look as pretty anymore. A chick can have a nice butt, without it being a perfect butt... but when you score one of these chicks and she takes her pants off to reveal that she in fact HAS no butt, and that she's been putting on a charade... DIVORCE.
And shame on you, CBS Early Show, for bringing this kind of stuff to the public's attention. I realize that no one on earth watches your show in the morning, but still for the few people who do, you owe it to them to try to make their lives better (or at least NOT ruin it). Someone up there needs to do some serious rethinking about their show. Big time.
As for the ladies... if you have a nice ass, show it off. If you don't, that's okay too... but don't PRETEND like you have something you don't. That can only lead to sadness.
Gran Torino
Clint Eastwood is a Korean War Veteran who's seen things that would make you poop your pants, living in a neighborhood that once was nice but now has become a ghetto, full of gangsters and thugs of every race and age... namely asian. Can this cold, unkind old man come to grips with his new life in this world full of people who he has an ingrown hatred for, or will he fall apart?
If Clint Eastwood proves anything in this movie, it's that old people can still kick a lot of ass. Eastwood is without a doubt, the hardest old man I've ever seen on film. That guy can kill you with a look, and it's incredible. What's really incredible is that the guy who did a million spaghetti westerns has been able to keep his career going, and he actually gets better in every movie he makes/stars in. "Gran Torino" may not be the easiest movie to watch at times, but it does have a very powerful message and it delivers it well enough.
For some people, that is. I've heard some people say that this movie was so racist that they could hardly watch it, that it was just disgusting, and that they really didn't enjoy it. Well, I really did, and let me tell you why. There are two ways to look at this movie: from a race perspective (and there is plenty of racism to be had), and from a societal perspective. Yeah, Eastwood is racist in this movie, but (spoiler alert) he learns to deal with it and even overcome it. Race is not the real issue at hand in this movie. The real issue here is tha downfall of American society.
One of the first scenes of this movie explains it perfectly: we see Clint Eastwood's house; old, but well-kept and tidy, with a nice yard and fresh coat of paint. But he is surrounded by a neighborhood that is absolutely falling apart. No one takes care of anything anymore, no one has any pride in his home anymore. He also sees children who don't respect their elders, who don't work for a living, and who have no concept of what keeps the world turning. He sees kids who should be working, trolling around looking for trouble, and it disgusts him. Rightfully so, if you ask me.
Another perfect scene in this movie: Eastwood's neighbor, a Korean, is walking down the street with her thug cracker boyfriend, when the two of them run into some black gangsters hanging out on the street corner. The black thugs push the white boy aside and start messing with the Korean girl. Here comes Eastwood. He gets an earfull of racism from the kids, and he returns in kind with his own. Then he pulls a gun on the thugs until they back away. When the white boy speaks up, Eastwood goes after him with plenty of racist remarks as well. My point is, whatever you do, don't play the race card on this movie. Race is a small part of this movie, yes, but it's just a small part. Eastwood's racism comes more out of guilt for what he did in the war than anything else, and once he is accepted by the Koreans living next door, he quickly lightens up. His hatred is toward the youth of the nation, and toward the lack of respect they show for everything. That hatred doesn't see race, or rather it sees all races as inferior.
So should you see it? Well, I guess not if you get too hung up on racist stuff. There is definitely some offesnsive stuff going on in this movie, but it all serves a purpose. It's really a good story about a hardened, unfriendly old man learning that there's more to life than hate and that even in this shitty world we live in, there are still some good people left. So in other words, my opinion is yes, you should watch this movie.
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Doctor Parnassus is the head of a traveling circuis show, which invites people to step through a mirror for five quid. But what seems like a scam is actually a trip into your imagination that you will never forget. However, times are tough and people are skeptical... so the traveling troupe is having a rough time surviving... that is, until a strange man appears to them. Through the course of the movie you learn a lot more about him and just who Doctor Parnassus really is, on this trippy journey through a fantasy world.
I will say this about Terry Gillium. That dude is one weird motherfucker. One of the brainchildren behind Monty Python, Gillium has also created some other very interesting, if not as successful movies (Time Bandits, 12 Monkeys, the list goes on). He's definitely an acquired taste, and not for everyone, but if you can give his world a chance, you'll really see some very interesting stuff go on.
I was first interested in this movie because it was being made when Heath Ledger (who plays the mysterious man) passed away... so the film was finished with other actors. Great actors too (Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Ferrell... well, ALMOST all great actors). I was interested to see how they did it, and if they were able to respect Ledger's last film in the process. I'm glad to say that they indeed did, and in fact they were able to cobble together the rest of the movie in a way that made complete sense and was really entertaining to watch.
There are truly some inspired visuals in this movie. It almost has a Monty Python touch in some parts, but it never gets quite that weird. From an artistic standpoint, this movie is really cool (I recommend the blu-ray version if possible)... but from a mainstream entertainment standpoint, I'm not so sure. Gillium's never seemed to care too much about that, which I can respect, but I just don't know if this one's for everyone. So before you rent it, take that to heart. Then rent it, because it's great.
Alright folks, I know I've been kinda out of the loop here the last couple of weeks, but I'm moved into my new place now and things are slowly returning to normal. Speaking of which, party at the new place... let me know if you wanna get down.
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