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   These have probably been some rough times for you.  I get it, trying to survive without reading my entries every week is kind of like eating an Oreo Cookie with no filling.  Sure it's still tasty, but there's just something missing.  Well, fear not.  I've had an extremely busy couple of weeks, but I'm back and ready for action.  And being the nice guy that I am, I'm not even going to cheat you out of all the ridiculous crap that's happened in my absence.  In other words, some of the stuff I talk about today will be old news.  But it's still awesome.  So without further ado, let's get right to the good stuff, shall we?

The General
   Recently, an article came out from some douchebag reporter trying to paint our Commanding General in Afghanistan (General McChrystal) as a punk who badmouths the president and thinks he's above all the rules and can do whatever he wants.  Needless to say, B-Rock was less than pleased when he read it, and now McChrystal has stepped down and Patreus has taken over in Afghanistan.  Well isn't that great.
   First off, who the hell does this reporter think he is?  What qualifications does he have to write about anyone in a war time situation?  Doesn't he have better things to do than run around trying to make things even more difficult for the man who is supposed to be in charge of winning a war for our country?  If you're trying to be the next Walter Cronkite, give up.  You're not even writing for a newsworthy magazine.  Yeah you're getting a lot of publicity, but it's not really the right kind of publicity is it?  I've heard a lot more about "what business did you have being over there in the first place..." a lot more than I've heard "what a well-written piece, exposing the inner workings of an American General."  In fact, I haven't heard a single person whose opinion matters, compliment your article in any way.  Or did you do it for the fame?  While that might be a much more believable reason, you should be ashamed of yourself.
   Now to McChrystal.  You, sir, should probably also be a little ashamed of yourself.  Yes you're a badass, and yes you're a very capable general (I read the article, and there were actually some nice things said about the general as well)... but you of all people should know better than to badmouth the President, especially during a time of war, ESPECIALLY especially to a friggin' reporter!  You are completely entitled to your opinion, and believe me I have my issues with Obama as well... but come on man!  You're a general in the United States Military!  This is a time of war!  Surely you were taught back at Westpoint that you don't do this kind of stuff... right?
   And finally, a message to our President.  Mr. President, I know it's not really your thing to admit that you don't know everything about a certain topic.  I know you prefer to be the guy swooping in to save the day on every single crisis that affects us, even if you have no idea what you're doing (ahem, OIL)... but I really think you made the wrong decision on this one.  Firing mcChrystal (which face it, is really what happened here), makes you look weak, especially to our enemies.  If you come across as someone who fires or dismisses anyone who speaks against you... well that's just not really very American, is it?  I honestly think the better solution to this little article would have been a simple statement, saying that while McChrystal may not agree with you, that is his right.  And as long as he does what he is supposed to do (you are after all still his boss), and wins the war in Afghanistan, then he will have our support.  You don't have to like the guy, but you don't have to fire him either.
   Luckily we have a good general to replace McChrystal.  Patreus may not be as much of a hardass, but he definitely knows his stuff.  He fixed things in Iraq LONG before the press would have you believe (notice how you still don't hear anything coming out of there?  Now that Bush isn't President anymore?  Interesting, eh?).  He's a very capable man and a good leader, and I think he stands just as good a chance of getting us out of Afghanistan as McChrystal did.  I have to say, however, that I don't know of anyone who can get us out of that mess... best to just do like we did back when Russia was over there, and bail.

Drilled
   While we're on the subject of our President thinking that he knows everything about everything, let's talk briefly about his attempts to call a moratorium on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.  Aaaaahhhhhh.  Bad idea, sir... bad idea.
   This BP oil spill is truly a mess, and it's rung home even clearer now that this oil is starting to wash up on Houston shores.  I could sit here and complain about all the screw ups Obama has caused all day long, but I would just be rehashing stuff that's already been said a million times.  I would like to comment on this SuperTanker though.  Why did it just now arrive in the gulf to start sucking up the oil?  Why wasn't this plan (which is a plan that has been proven to work in the past) initiated from the get-go?  Who knows how much oil they could have kept off our beaches?  Ridiculous.
   Anyway, as if all the past mistakes weren't enough, now our brilliant President has decided to call for a freeze on deepwater drilling.  So for all the other wells that are being drilled out there, all the ones who are safe and who have operated without incident for years, they have to stop because of one companies mistake.  This will cause a reduction in oil creation for our country, and increase our reliance on foreign oil... which I seem to recall was a big no-no according to this same President.  Not only are the companies being penalized, but the thousands and thousands of employees of those companies are also now facing layoffs.  This will increase our unemployment, which I believe was also a big no-no in Obama's campaign.  It's a classic case of saying one thing but meaning another, of blowing smoke up our collective asses, but then completely backtracking when the chips are down and you have to actually stand behind your promise.
   So what's the solution?  I can tell you what it's NOT.  It's NOT a bunch of hippies standing on the beach holding hands trying to make a statement about how we're destroying the earth.  No, that's not going to do much (hey why don't you clowns start cleaning stuff up down there instead?)  The solution is to keep the drills turning.  Increase regulations, tighten the inspections, and increase the punishment for those who don't follow the rules... but don't hurt our economy by reducing our oil supply and firing thousands of hard-working people.  Of course, the REAL solution is to get off of oil completely.  We have the technology.  We have the ability.  But we also have a government who is deeeeeep in the oil companies' pockets.  These are people who put extra money (as if they don't get paid enough already) over the well-being of our environment, our wildlife, and our people.  Even the president isn't above this.  Yes getting off of oil will cost jobs, but so will calling for a moratorium.  At some point we're going to have to get off oil, whether it's when we run out, or when we're tired of blowing each other up over it, or now, when everything is still peaceful but while we have a fresh reminder of just how dangerous this crap is, and why it usually stays miles below the surface of the earth.

You're not My Mom
   I'm sure by now most of you have seen the video of that little kid over in Asia who smokes like a million packs a day?  No?  Well, here it is, coupled with an article that makes me want to gag.  The CBS Early Show, which I'll admit I haven't made fun of in a while, has done it again folks.  They've managed to take a one-day story and blow it up into something absolutely ridiculous.  Kind of like they're doing with the Superfan (a douchebag who won a stupid bet with his friends and now somehow gets to be on TV and travel the world.  JOURNALISM!)
   Let me clarify off the bat that I don't condone this kid smoking a cigarette.  At least wait until your 10 years old.  Seriously though, I don't care how third-world your country is, surely you realize that smoking isn't good for you... and also you surely realize that a small child is not capable of making the right decision with a highly addictive drug like cigarettes (no matter how cool he looks smoking them).
   Okay so it's one thing to report about this.  It's another thing completely to milk the hell out of it and make idiots of yourselves in the meantime.  But, surprise surprise, that is exactly what the CBS Early Show people have managed to do.  Not only did they interview a psychologist about why children shouldn't smoke, but they've also now reported that some politician in that country is going after the kid's parents for letting him smoke.  Now hold up just a minute.  American "journalism" has caused this kid's parents to get in trouble?  There's just something not right about that.
   Who the hell are we, as Americans, to try to tell other COUNTRIES how to raise their kids?  It's bad enough all the crap that we put our own kids through (not to mention a big reason why this country is weaker than it has ever been)... now we're going to try to start telling the rest of the world what they can and cannot do?  That's just unacceptable.  You want to know why the rest of the world hates us?  It's because we think we're always right, and because we all think we know everything about everything and can just stick our noses into everyone's business.
   If this kid wants to smoke, let him.  If his parents don't care that they're killing their son, that's their problem.  NOT YOURS.  And not mine.  Yeah it's wrong by our standards, but most of the stuff Americans did in the 50s and 60s is wrong by our standards too.  Should we build a time machine and go back and lecture them about their errors?  No.  There were a lot of mistakes made here, but we survived them, and we're stronger for it.  It's just like if little Johnny wants to go out and play but gets his knee scraped.  Yeah he might get an infection and yeah he might cry, but he'll get over it, and his body will be much stronger for it.  Nowadays, we would just as soon not let Johnny go out and play, or put him in some kind of ridiculous protective gear so that he won't "hurt himself."  Well, sure he won't hurt himself, but he's also not building up any tolerance to infection or disease.  He's not developing his immune system.  And 50 years from now, guess who WE'RE all going to be paying for since he's so sickly and constantly in the hospital.  I'm on a tangent, I know, but the point is that we have no right to be mucking about in other people's business.  Stop trying to tell everyone else what they're doing wrong, and instead try to concentrate on doing things right for yourself.  Stop worrying about some kid on the other side of the world, and start worrying about your own kid who you hardly see and never talk to anymore.  In other words, be a parent.

Brothers Solomon
   Two brothers who have lived in the Arctic their entire lives, decide to enter the dating scene while nursing their sick father back to health in their own apartment.  Their goal: to carry out their father's wish and have a child.  At least I think that's what this movie was about... I didn't finish it.  It takes a lot for me to turn off a movie halfway through.  But I did with this movie, and I did it with great anger.
   I figured with Will Arnett and Will Forte (SNL, McGruber), there would at least be a couple of laughs in this movie.  I was wrong.  There were some potentially funny scenes, but they just never hit a punchline.  It's like all the jokes were written by a three year old.  Watching this movie was like having a child try to tell you a joke, but halfway through he gets lost and can't remember how it ends.
   And so, for this reason and another one involving Will Forte kissing a man on the lips and letting drool stretch between their two mouths, I turned this movie off about 20 minutes in.  And I'm also recommending that you don't even bother.  And if you find someone who says "oh come on that movie was great!"  Punch them for me.

Incendiary
   A slightly adulterous woman is miserable in her marriage, but loves her kid to death.  However, when both of them die in a terrorist attack, she has to try to pick up the pieces and come to grips with her new life.
   I rented this movie because I thought it was supposed to be some kind of love triangle conspiracy thing.  It had a hot chick on the cover, so hey I'm down.  Also Ewan McGregor is in it and I haven't been disappointed in any of his movies so far.  Anyway enough excuses, I rented the movie.  Deal with it.
   If that description up there sounds like it would be a rough one to watch, then you would be right.  There was a lot less love triangle here, and a lot more "shoot me because this is so depressing."  It was basically two hours watching a woman lose her mind over the loss of her child.  I will say, however, that it was extremely well-acted by everyone involved.  I couldn't understand everything (sometimes those British accents get pretty thick), but I could really feel the emotion coming from this woman.  I could also see the change in McGregor's character, and there was even a little hint of conspiracy.
   All in all, this movie was kinda sad, but it was also very entertaining.  A great story, some tough emotional stuff, and a good payoff in the end.  I may not have been happy while I was watching it, but when the credits rolled I'm glad I gave it a shot.  And I think you should too, especially if you like Ewan McGregor.  Or hot chicks.  Or being depressed.

Empire of the Sun
   A young British boy born and raised in China during 1941, learns that war isn't all fun and games when the Japanese invade and take his family away from him.  He's forced to survive on his own, and through his journey he meets some interesting people before winding up in a prison camp himself.  The movie follows his life through to the end of the war.
   I rented this movie for two reasons: Christian Bale and Steven Speilberg.  Great actor, great director, how could you go wrong?  Not to mention that Bale was about 10 when he made this movie, so I was interested to see if he was always as good an actor as he is now.  Turns out he was.  There were some very big names in this movie, including John Malcovich(!), Ben Stiller(!?!) and that Cypher dude from "The Matrix" (@!#%).  Yet even with all these main stream and big title actors, Bale outshined them all.  He seriously was the best actor in this movie, to the extent that he was one of the ONLY convincing roles I saw.  The ability of this kid to take his character from spoiled Brit to making-the-best-of-things-american-wannabe, to downright psychopath, was truly incredible.  And somehow through it all, he still managed to be a little kid.
   Areas where there HAVE been improvement since this movie, however, were in the directing and in the music.  There were some pieces of modern-day Speilberg in this movie... who knows, maybe this was the first time he came up with these ideas, camera moves and stuff that have stuck around even into his modern style.  The music, by John Williams, was for the most part simplistic and not very exciting... but again, there were some gems.  Despite the relative green-ness of both of these guys, there wasn't anything offensive or weird... it still flowed together and even managed to create some moments of true beauty and uniqueness.
   For those of you who are considering this movie though, be warned: it is kind of old school.  It's not super action packed, and there are some very obvious mistakes made throughout.  In fact, some parts play out more like a stage play than a movie.  But still, it is very entertaining, and if you'd like to see how Christian Bale got started, this is definitely a good one to watch.  For all you "Newsies" fans, he even sings a little.

   All right folks, we should be back to the grind now.  Talk to you again soon...