Foreign Fruit

   It's weird, I've been having a lot of conversations lately with people regarding Apple and its products.  These discussions have been interesting, entertainment, sometimes even heated, and almost always in the direction of Apple is better than "X."  Granted everyone I've talked to has been sensible, but it has still called to mind images of the stereotypical Apple Fanboy... an image we all need to be aware of and look out for.

   What makes an Apple Fanboy different from an Apple fan?  Well, an Apple fan respects Apple as a high quality product.  An Apple fan uses these products on a regular basis, typically for what they are designed for, and has good solid reasons to back up their claims as to why they prefer Apple products over others.  Apple Fanboys do all of these things... just way way waaaaaay to the extreme.

   Apple Fanboys are typically hipsters, though some of them have branched out into the new hipster/douchebag hybrid which, to my knowledge, has yet to be categorized (science is probably still trying to understand how anything could have gotten worse than hipsters and/or douchebags... once again, science, joke's on you).  These are usually people who think they discovered Apple and all the great things that this company represents.  They drop $2k on a fancy laptop that CRUSHES their screenwriting or web browsing software.  Very few of them actually use these expensive tools to their full potential.  Their Apple products are status symbols, and that is where Apple is genius.

   I won't go into the nuances of Apple's marketing technique because, come on, I don't have to.  You can see that it works.  But the real genius of Apple, for me anyway, is just how stupid they make these hipster/douchebags look without them even realizing it.

   If you really want to expose one of these hip-bags as a fraud, start off by striking up a political conversation.  Ask who they voted for (even though they probably didn't vote, chances are they will say Obama).  If they truly didn't vote, congratulations, you have a true hipster.  The politics don't really matter, but they will be icing on the cake.  Gently direct the conversation to the topic of jobs, and more specifically, the fact that jobs have been going overseas and what that has done to the American economy.  Chances are they will agree with you and start talking about all the shitty corporations who have screwed over our country by exporting jobs.  Agree with them, agree with them wholeheartedly.  Stroke that pathetic little hipster ego, it will make the kill shot even sweeter.  Get them going on which companies they hate so much for screwing us over.  Exxon, probably some car companies, somehow Mitt Romney... and -- here's your moment -- Apple.

   That's right.  Apple does a large portion of its manufacturing in China, and they have regularly and repeatedly said that they aren't coming back.  Now you may have already known that, but I'll bet your hipster pal doesn't.  He probably doesn't watch the news (you know, since being stupid is better than watching media you "can't trust").  

   The Fanboy will have two options here.  He can either pretend like he knew that his laptop was built in China, basically by slaves, and thereby defeat himself as a hipster.  Or he can try to fight you on the idea, to which point you can just show him the link up there or countless more that are out there.  Use his Apple to show him, that will be even better.  Either way, you win, the d-bag is defeated.

   Now as much as I love destroying hipsters' pathetic little worlds, there is a real cause for concern here.  Apple is openly giving the middle finger to Americans who are dying for jobs, and yet they are one of -- if not the -- most valuable and successful companies on the planet.  And yet somehow they have completely slipped under the radar.  Seriously, I know people who refuse to buy a Japanese car because they will only buy Dodge, Chevy, Ford, "American" (HA!)... and yet they own an iPad or a Macbook and have no qualms about it.  How is this happening?

   The reality is, Apple products are fantastic.  They work extremely well (except for when they don't), they look cool (and cost twice as much), and they are everywhere.  That doesn't even touch their innovation, which I have to admit, is incredible.  And I'm not saying you shouldn't buy Apple anymore, I'm just saying you should realize what you're really buying here and consider that before making your next purchase.  You know, maybe buy that Motorola, or that Asus, or whatever other computer is out there (also most likely manufactured in China).

Houston Texans, We Have A Problem...

   And just like that, for the second season in a row, the Texans bow out in the second round of the playoffs. This was supposed to be our season.  Our division was weak, our schedule was sound, our team was healthy... we came out of the gate with a huge undefeated first half of the season.  And then we crumpled.  There are a lot of things that happened in the last few weeks of the season, a lot of reasons why we suddenly started looking like our old selves and dropping games left and right.  And I'll admit right now I'm not a big stats guy and I don't know all the ins and outs of football... but I will say this: all of the Texans' problems can be traced back to one person.  Matt Schaub.

   From everything I've seen and heard, Schaub is a great guy.  Family man, does some sweet commercials, what's not to like?  He even looks good on paper.  He's accurate, he's dependable, he gets the offense and can really sell the play-action.  Who could ask for anything more than that?

   Well, this isn't personal.  Matt, since I know you read this blog, I'm sorry, but this is business.  You are accurate... up to about 10 yards.  Anything deeper than that is underthrown and off the mark.  You have absolutely no pocket presence... the second the thing starts collapsing, you fall over and curl up into the fetal position.  And God forbid you actually have to run with the ball.  Seriously, it looks like it hurts you to run.  I know you're not supposed to be able to run like a receiver, but geeze man, get on a treadmill every now and then.

   I know what you're about to say.  The defense certainly didn't hold its own towards the end of the season either.  Well, you're right.  We had some injuries, though seriously I doubt even someone like Cushing could have had that big an impact.  The reality of our defense is that our secondary blows nuts.  Our front end defense is good, we can usually stop the run.  But we definitely need some corners.  Still, we had the same corners at the beginning of the season and we held our own.  Why?  Because our defense wasn't on the field nearly as much, and when they were it was usually with a much better field position.  Towards the end of the season, Schaub couldn't get his offense going, which meant the defense would spend more time on the field, get tired, and then get run over.

   Our special teams is problematic as well.  Lots of penalties this year.  Again, I can link this to Schaub.  At the beginning of the season when we were kicking everyone's ass, our special teams had a cush job.  Most of what they were doing was guarding kickoffs (in response to our touchdowns).  Towards the end of the season though, they were having to defend punts, usually from our end of the field... which meant the other team had a lot less ground to cover, and created a more desperate situation on our side.  That still doesn't excuse our sloppy special teams, but it certainly didn't help us either.

   The real problem is that most of this is in Schaub's head.  He has a really weird throwing motion and release, but I think you can teach a guy how to throw farther.  What you can't teach a guy is to stand tall in the pocket and deliver that throw in the face of a defense.  You can teach a guy to scramble, to dodge defenders and find a way to get the pass out of there.  But you can't teach someone to be brave in there, to be willing to take a hit and not keel over at the first sign of danger.  Schaub has been hurt several times, and he's gotten some of the worst hits I've ever seen on the quarterback.  I can definitely see how that would shake a guy up.  Hell I'm scared shitless of bees.  There's no rhyme or reason to it, I just lose my shit whenever there's a wasp in the room.  I get it.  But I don't go near bees.  And Schaub, if he really is facing that kind of fear, should not be standing in the pocket.  It's the harsh truth, but it's the truth.

   Bottom line: we will not get to a Superbowl with a quarterback like Matt Schaub.  Our offense has the capability.  We have the playmakers.  But right now we are one-dimensional.  Look at the teams that have killed us.  They have stopped the run and forced Schaub to throw.  And while Schaub is great for the occasional completion, when the game is on his shoulders you'll more often than not get what we saw against the Packers.  Or the Patriots.  Twice.  I hate to say it, but Schaub has to go.  Find someone else.  Hell, give Yates a shot.  Do something, or else we're going to have another repeat next season.  And our window of opportunity is closing.  Manning and the Broncos are only going to get better.  Brady and the Pats are still going to be tough.  The Ravens have plenty of other good defensive players, even without Ray Lewis.  And the Colts are going to be another dynasty team under Luck.  We need to make this happen, and we need to make it happen quick.  Until next season fellas...

Gangster Squad

   From Netflix:  When notorious East Coast mob boss Mickey Cohen looks to set up his operations in L.A., it's up to a group of hard-nosed LAPD cops to take him down. Based on true events, this '40s-era crime drama is directed by Ruben Fleischer.

   My Take:  So I saw the preview for this and I thought to myself "hey, here's a stylish, noirish, fun take on the mob drama.  Something different yet extremely violent.  I'm in!"  Then I saw it in theaters, and boy was I wrong.

   What kills it for me is how stereotypical this movie is.  It's painful.  You've got the emotionally unstable mafia boss, over-the-top but not a bad guy until you cross him.  You've got the army-vet-turned-cop who "only knows how to fight" (yes, he says that).  You've got the big-mouthed kid cop who learns to be an adult and turns out to be the glue that holds everyone together.  You've got a mish-mash squad of misfits, racially equal and each possessing some sort of special talent, Ocean's 11 style.  There's a knife guy, a guy who only uses six-shooters, I mean seriously?  Oh and let's not forget the overly dramatic and concerned wife who's just an innocent in all of this.

   I wish that I could say it's been so long since we've seen a movie like this that it's kind of a breath of fresh air.  It's certainly what I would consider a "traditional" mob movie.  It's set in the 50s, that doesn't mean it has to play like it's the 50's.  This movie could have been so, so much better.

   There were some good things, however.  The style of the movie was really cool.  They had some awesome shots (especially the shootout at the end, holy crap).  Of course, there were also some shots in there (like the coyotes shot) that looked like they were just throw aways that somehow made it into the final cut of the film. But overall it was well-directed and edited.  The punching in this movie was some of the best I've ever seen. You could literally feel the hits land.  Oh, and -- I can't believe I'm about to say this -- I actually liked Ryan Gosling in this movie.  That's right, it's true.  I thought he was among the best actors.  He fit the part perfectly, right down to his annoying, high-pitched voice.  Well played sir, well played.

   Here's the thing.  I can't recommend this movie... not in theaters at least.  Once it comes out on video, I'd say give it a rent -- but only if you're into mob movies.  It's definitely violent, it doesn't shy away from the gore, it has some excellent fight scenes and shootouts.  But among the great mob movies out there, even compared to the older ones, it just doesn't meet the standard.

Total Recall

   From Netflix:  Bursting with mind-blowing action sequences and spectacular visual effects, Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid, a man on the run after a mind-bending procedure at Rekall goes horribly wrong. Co-starring Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel.

   My Take:  I heard some pretty bad things about this movie.  The best review I think I heard was "eh, it's alright..." and that came from a guy who usually LOVES crappy movies.  So needless to say, I was a little concerned going into this one.  And why wouldn't I be?  It had some big shoes to fill.  The old "Total Recall" may have been a terrible movie by normal standards, but as far as cheesy Ahnold movies go, it is a total classic.  I would even put it above "Predator" on the Ahnold-Awesomeness scale.  And so, because I was doing this throughout the entire movie, I might as well write this review as a comparison between the two.

   First of all, let me say this: the new "Total Recall" did an amazing job of staying true to the original story.  There were some big changes, namely the fact that they aren't going to Mars in this one.  But that actually makes the whole thing a little more believable.  And while Mars was an interesting setting for the first movie, I think it was a smart play in this one to change it up.  So that's a plus.

   Now for the characters.  Colin Ferrel is a much more believable Quaid/Houser than Ahnold was.  Ahnold was ginormous.  Ferrel is just a normal, albiet cut gentlemen, trying to get by in his 9-5.  The fact that he's not some muscle man makes him much more believable and relatable.  Now one thing I didn't like in this movie is that they eliminated Michael Ironside's character.  Instead, Quaid's "wife" fills that role too... and while she is smoking hot, it would have been awesome to see another Ironside-like character.  Hell why not get Ironside?  I don't think he's doing anything since "Terminator: Salvation."  Back to the ladies though, all of them were hot.  Holy crap they were hot.  So even though this isn't perfect, I'm going to give it a plus.

   The special effects in this movie were absolutely mindblowing.  Brilliantly designed, and much closer to where technology is actually going.  Granted, the 1980s future setting has its charm, and for a while I guess it was really where everyone thought we were going (look at all the movies that fit the mold: Robocop, Total Recall, Blade Runner, the list goes on)... they really did a great job of making this movie look and feel like the not-too-distant future.  They even paid a nice homage to Ahnold pulling that sensor out of his nose... only this time it was pulling a phone out of his hand.  Nicely done.

   Finally, the action... or really, the "feel" of the whole movie.  While this movie apparently had a bigger budget than the old one, it covered so much more ground than the old one that there's almost no comparison.  It went so much deeper into the politics, the synthetic soldiers were an interesting dynamic, the size and scope of the action was just incredible.  Awesome chase scenes, relentless fighting, I actually laughed at one point because the action was just so non-stop I thought "there's no way these guys could still have the energy to run or get into a fist-fight after all this."  It was gorgeous to watch, too, thanks to the amazing special effects.  It seriously made the old movie look like it was put together on a small set using toy props.  Bravo.

   Now, this movie is not going to win any awards for dialogue or acting, but come on.  Neither was the first one.  "Total Recall" is what it should have been 30 years ago.  It's better in all the right places, and it tends to leave out all the wrong places.  My only real bash is there was no "Johnnycab."  With all the great homages to the original film, how you gonna leave that out?  I highly recommend you see this movie, especially if you liked the first one.  It's definitely not going to ruin that experience for you, except that given the choice you might pick this one.  Sorry Ahnold.

Well that's gonna do it for me for this week.  I'll leave you with this.  In an effort to control my diet, I've decided that instead of thinking about what I paid to eat, I'm going to think about what I paid for the after effects of what I ate.  So, basically today I paid 20 bucks for explosive diarrhea.  Thanks pizza guy!  Probly won't be ordering that again anytime soon!

Adios!  Wash your hands!